When exactly do I stop paying for my parent's divorce?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
But you're an adult now PP. Stop making those payments. It is within your power. It doesn't have to continue. |
Anonymous
| One of the PPs: Also, OP, I understand your wanting to bring your dad to therapy to address some of these issues, but the boundary-setting is your task to work on. He's not going to change (and neither is your mother). You have to change yourself. Enlist your husband's support so you two can present a united front around things like leaving events, etc., and then follow through. |
Anonymous
| This is why my ex and I got divorced when we did - before we hated each other. The kids slept over at their fathers last night. He will bring them back today in time for dinner and may stay to eat with us. |
Anonymous
| My ILs divorced when my DH was 10, and he's still paying for it 30 years later. It sucks. I hate how conflicted he feels and the guilt they put on him. Holidays are difficult for us, everything must be done twice so it's fair. My FIL complains about my MIL and vice versa. My ILs actually see each other frequently even though my DH and his sister are grown and live in another state. DH now tells them directly and immediately to stop bashing the other. But it often doesn't work. |
Anonymous
| Time to tell them to grow up. I would take what PP said and either say it or write it. And then stick to it. They will slip, simply remind them that it's not your war and change the subject or walk away. Old habits die hard so you will need to stick to your guns. |
Anonymous
| You mean "parents'," and anytime you like. Many PPs have given you great advice. I can't believe anyone could put up with this for any amount of time. Their issue with each other is not your issue. |
Anonymous
|
I'm so sorry OP, this is horrendous. I do think you need to shut it down as it happens. I mean, it's been a LONG TIME, this is way overdue.
My parents are divorced and get along better than my still married in-laws. We all share holiday meals and vacations. There were some awkward years, but everyone acted like grown ups and was respectful and most importantly: let stuff GO. It's the best things my parents have ever done for me and my siblings. I so hope your parents can grow up and do the bare minimum of at least knocking off the negative talk. How much negative stuff can they have when they've been divorced for 30 years. Sheesh. |
Anonymous
| I would seek a therapist who can work with you to develop skills to negotiate the situation. It's not your problem and you need to learn to deflect and move on without letting it get to you. It's not fair, they aren't being fair, but it's not going to change. You need to work on changing how you react and internalize what's going on. |
Anonymous
| This sounds so much like my husband's family. His parents have been divorced 30+ years, have married other people, and yet they cannot help but make snide remarks about each other in front of their children and grandchildren. It breaks my heart for my husband and his siblings that their parents can't even politely ignore each other for a few hours at a family function. All that being said, at a certain point you can create your own "family" if you want to. You and your sister don't need to invite parents over for every function or try and figure out how to coordinate separate functions. Sometimes we get together with my SIL and her family minus the parents, and guess what? It's lovely! No snide remarks, no awkward moments, just good times with them. You may not want to confront your parents. If you have invited them to therapy and they decline then you've done all you can do. Sometimes I hope my in laws will look back one day and wish they had never been so petty and spiteful, but in the meantime we don't always have to be held hostage by their behavior. |
Anonymous
| Tell your parents that you don't want to hear bad stories from them about each other. It will piss them off but stick to it. |
Anonymous
Definitely this - you don't have to pay anymore. My parents stopped this stuff in my 20s and now most of their focus is on my ex-DH who they all mutually hate. It's brought them together. But they all know better than to say a cross word about my xDH as I will not have that shit. No one is going to do that to my children. I don't like him but I'm nice to him and he's my daughters' father. Insulting him will only hurt them. |
Anonymous
I hate to say this but OP's parents have issues, and the family would be paying whether they divorced or not. Anyone who holds onto this much vitriol after 30 years has other suff going on, and its ways bigger than "divorce". |
Anonymous
|
My parents divorced 20 years ago when I was 7. It was a bitter divorce and custody battle, and my mom eventually forfeited custody of my disabled brother and I. She basically abandoned us for 5 years (moved away and wasn't it contact, we didn't know where she was).
However she did eventually come back and over time developed a cordial relationship with me, my brother and my father. They're not friends, but they can at least be pleasant and stand to be around each other to co-parent my brother. They genuinely seem to wish each other well because they realize when they are doing well it's good for us (the kids). Your parents' relationship is probably more of a function of their personalities than the fact that they divorced. If they haven't let go of this hatred for each other after 30 years then it seems likely they never will. |
Anonymous
|
Your mother's shitfit is HER shitfit. She can have a shitfit, yes. Why do you have to react? Why do you have to do anything other than what you want to do.
Mom: OMIGOD I saw that you posted that bitch's name on your Facebook wall! You: Yes, I tag the people in my photos. Mom: Rant-rave-expletive-combust You: You are angry because I acknowledged Larla in my Facebook. Mom: Guilt-Lonely- end of life-no love-drama-feckless child bullshit You: I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad reaction to this Facebook photo. Maybe we should talk about something else. You: |
Anonymous
|
Unfriend your parents. I'm divorced, and that's exactly why I don't have my kids as friends, it's just too damn painful and I don't wish to be put in the position of looking bitter in any way. My ex and I are very cordial, and that's why. If not, post both parents with the kids at the same time or something like that.
|