When exactly do I stop paying for my parent's divorce?

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced in 1986 and had a very nasty custody battle ensued. They fought in front of us and slammed each other to my sister and I.
It was hell. I am now 33 and pregnant with my first child. My sister has 2 sons and is visiting for Easter.
My father lives near me with his gifriemd and we are soending Easter weekend with him.
I took some adorable pictures of my father playing with my nephew yesterday. I uploaded them to FB and realized that I couldn't tag dad's girlfriend in them or my mother would have an absolute shit fit. She already had been givin my sister and I a hard time for spending the holiday away from her.
My father talks almost incessantly about how much he dislikes my mother. I will make an innocent comment about something and he'll turn it into a story about something my mother once did. My sister and I have to make plans based on where the other parent will be.
I dread having to deal with logistics when I have this baby.
I've tried asking them to stop. It doesn't work. I'm planning to ask Dad to sit in on a therapy session with me to work some of this out.
When do adult children stop having to pay for their parent's divorce?

[Anonymous]

When you find out, let me know. I'm 38 and my parents divorced when I was seven, and I'm still paying for it. We are the ones who bare the burden not our parents and I'm over it.

[Anonymous]

Every child pays, forever, in one way or another.

That's why we need to work hard to heal family dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

That terrible OP. My spouse left me for a woman who has been a serial cheater for decades, we have a young child. Ex and I get along okay-I just had ex's mom over for dinner at my house. Every adult child of divorce I've talked to has said it wasn't the divorce itself that was so terrible-it was the bitterness of one or both parents. So I'm trying to do the right thing for my child, but I still don't know how I'm going to deal with the former other woman being in the mix. She is objectively a shitty person who has been actively seeking to break up relationships without remorse since the 90s. It's really hard to know that this woman will be my child's stepmother. I know I have to make it work. It is what it is and the only person I hurt by obviously hating on this woman is my child.

[Anonymous]

At 35, I am married and expecting my third child. I still find myself saying something the counselor told me during the divorce: "But I'm the kid." Meaning, it's not supposed to be my job to fix it for my parents. Meaning, it's not fair that people with married parents never have to explain their dad's behavior to their mom and be judged by her for loving him even when he's crappy, worry about their dad's new girlfriend coming in between them and their dad, make holiday and life event plans that accommodate the two people who were allowed choices in the situation. My parents get along well and it's still a tough road.

[Anonymous]

That is so unacceptable. You and your sister need to play hard and shut this down. They have abdicated their roles as parents, so it's time for you to step in and take that role.

I'd get your sister together and sit your parents down in the same room. It will be more powerful if you can. And then I'd read them the following and then hand a copy of what you say to them:

"Mom and Dad, we love you dearly. And we want you both to have a loving relationship with us and with our children. However, we're done being your punching bags and your pawns. You chose to stop being married in 1986, but you've made Larla and me pay the price for that. We're stopping that now, and we will not have our children pay the price either.
From this point on, the snide comments about each other stop. From this point on, the guilt-tripping and drama stop. If one of us visits one parent, there are to be no comments whatsoever from the other parent. No verbal comments, no texts, no emails, no comments on Facebook. No pouting, no passive-aggressiveness. Larla and I are done with the competition between you two.
If you choose to ignore this and continue with petty comments, drama and slamming each other, I promise you that you will have no contact with us and with your grandchildren. We've never been more serious about anything than we are now. If a comment is made, we will leave. Phone calls will not be returned. You'll be blocked on all social media. You will not have access to your grandchildren. It's that simple. You can choose to be civil and keep your mouth shut, or you can have a loving, positive relationship with your daughters and grandchildren.

I truly hope you believe Larla and me. We love you, but we love our own children even more. We will not subject ourselves and them to your drama and pettiness."

There's no conversation, no discussion. Say it and be done. Then wait for one of them to push the envelope. In fact, hope it happens so they can see how serious you really are. Plan for it. Be ready to hang up the phone and then not answer it when a snide comment slips out. Or be ready to walk out of a restaurant when a comment is made. Be ready to block your feed on Facebook. Just follow through. You must teach them how to treat you.

You can do this. If you choose not to do anything, then you choose to give them permission to continue this stupid behavior.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever talked to your parents, OP? Told them to stop their childish behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is so unacceptable. You and your sister need to play hard and shut this down. They have abdicated their roles as parents, so it's time for you to step in and take that role.

I'd get your sister together and sit your parents down in the same room. It will be more powerful if you can. And then I'd read them the following and then hand a copy of what you say to them:

"Mom and Dad, we love you dearly. And we want you both to have a loving relationship with us and with our children. However, we're done being your punching bags and your pawns. You chose to stop being married in 1986, but you've made Larla and me pay the price for that. We're stopping that now, and we will not have our children pay the price either.
From this point on, the snide comments about each other stop. From this point on, the guilt-tripping and drama stop. If one of us visits one parent, there are to be no comments whatsoever from the other parent. No verbal comments, no texts, no emails, no comments on Facebook. No pouting, no passive-aggressiveness. Larla and I are done with the competition between you two.
If you choose to ignore this and continue with petty comments, drama and slamming each other, I promise you that you will have no contact with us and with your grandchildren. We've never been more serious about anything than we are now. If a comment is made, we will leave. Phone calls will not be returned. You'll be blocked on all social media. You will not have access to your grandchildren. It's that simple. You can choose to be civil and keep your mouth shut, or you can have a loving, positive relationship with your daughters and grandchildren.

I truly hope you believe Larla and me. We love you, but we love our own children even more. We will not subject ourselves and them to your drama and pettiness."

There's no conversation, no discussion. Say it and be done. Then wait for one of them to push the envelope. In fact, hope it happens so they can see how serious you really are. Plan for it. Be ready to hang up the phone and then not answer it when a snide comment slips out. Or be ready to walk out of a restaurant when a comment is made. Be ready to block your feed on Facebook. Just follow through. You must teach them how to treat you.

You can do this. If you choose not to do anything, then you choose to give them permission to continue this stupid behavior.
Good luck.

+1 time to change the rules. Your baby is the perfect excuse. You will find it easier to do post-baby---babies force most people to grow up. You'll see yourself as mama-bear and all this other BS will take a back seat because you will insist on it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Many kids of divorced parents don't go through this. My parents had a volatile marriage and it imploded when I was 16. I refused to see my dad for a couple years, but over time forgave him. And he apologized. This was 1990. Since then, there has been several marriages (us kids) and many grandchildren. Our parents act like adults and are not just civil - but downright nice to each other. They never make snide comments about us spending time with the other. My father has had a girlfriend for 20+ years now, and my mom is happy for him.
My husband is also divorced with adult kids. Although they still cannot get along, they don't fight in front of the kids, and I know he doesn't make any disparaging remarks about her in front of his kids.
I like the PPs suggestion - turn it back on them and have them stop this childish behavior.

[Anonymous]

7:21 is on the ball. You have to refuse to engage with them around this crap; set limits and enforce them. Dad won't stop bashing mom, after you ask him to stop? Leave or ask him to leave. Mom throws a FB hissy over Dad's gf being tagged? Delete her posts and refuse to discuss with her.

My parents split 14 years ago and thankfully get along now (better than when married). But when they first split I had to do a lot of boundary-setting with them (mainly my mom) along these lines. I was in my mid-20s at the time.

My in-laws are still very bitterly divorced, despite both being remarried. My husband tells them flat out when they start complaining about each other that he will have none of it.

It sucks to have to do this, I know, but it will go so far in easing your own resentment. It's also good practice for limit-setting with your kids. Take good care and good luck!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't sit them down, but the idea of setting boundaries is EXACTLY right. Tell them to knock it off and you're not dealing with. If someone starts talking shit in front of me or on face book, I would say "I love you both. The divorce was a long time ago. I am not listening to this or dealing with it." and then walk away. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Except that the initial reaction will be spectacular, but if you keep holding that line they will eventually knock it off.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to grow up, move on, stop making you beat the burden of their grievances, and tell them to face the fact that each of them is important to you and your sister and they must stop making their divorce your problem. Tell them that toxicity is bad for you and for grandbaby. Then go about your life as you want, and if they start up, just cut them off mid-sentence and tell them if they can't stop, they'll have to [leave, hang up, etc.].

[Anonymous]

When the baby comes, tell them that you will not allow them to speak ill of one another in front of your child. Explain that you love them both dearly and want their grandchild to feel the same way about each of them. If they can't grow up and cut out the nastiness, they will not be able to spend time with their grandkid.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it's boundary setting time. Meeting with a counselor would help you develop appropriate language and techniques to use when engaging with your parents. But, the crux of it is that you need to be clear with your parents that they cannot discuss the other, they cannot react when the other is mentioned and that any manipulative behaviors (getting shitty about FB posting, mentions of the girlfriend, etc.) will have consequences. Then follow through. Walk out of the room, cut off conversations, leave the event, take a break from them, etc. It's not much different than disciplining kids and about as much fun. But it pays off.

[Anonymous]

I haven't stopped yet. Large payments are due on major holidays and life's milestone events. The cycle ends here, though. Our kids will never face that special misery.