Reply to Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]
My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.

By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).

Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.

+1 My mother did this to us as well and it nearly killed my sister. I just got majorly fucked up trying to always please and appease my mother.

So clearly, I would never in a million years tell my children they hurt my feelings (I'm also not quite sure how they could hurt my feelings but if they did, I would correct their unkindness but never shame them with my feelings).

As mothers, we have to remember the power we have over our children.

This. I would no more tell my child that she hurt my feelings than I would tell them that she shamed me or embarrassed me. [/quote]

I find this line of thinking very odd.  I wouldn't tell a toddler or preschooler that they hurt my feelings, but now that my son is in early elementary, he sometimes says things that are intended to be hurtful and I see nothing wrong with telling him in a calm way that he hurt my feelings when he does so.  He doesn't do it often, but occasionally.   By the time a kid is 7, he [u]is[/u] responsible for someone else's feelings - mom or not - if he intentionally says something mean.[/quote]

Bingo!!  I think the people thinking this way all have toddlers or preschoolers.  Just wait until your child is old enough to deliberately say something hateful to you because they are hoping to hurt your feelings.  Modeling a calm way of saying "your words hurt my feelings/are hurtful to me/however you want to phrase this and you need to find better ways to communicate when you are upset" is not only appropriate, it is essential.  Come back in 3-4 years when you have a school-aged child and let us know how your thinking on this has evolved.[/quote]

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