My husband invalidates my feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what girlfriends are for.

+1. When my wife tells me stuff, I assume there is a point to the exercise - that she wants me to do something with the information she is conveying. If she just wants me to absorb sound, it seems like a waste of time. The wall would be just as effective at having sound waves bounce off.

+2. Exactly. Vent to your girlfriends if you want validation not your husband who is male. The sooner you know this, the happier you'll be. There is no point in venting to a straight guy who is not designed to understand the point of venting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what girlfriends are for.

+1. When my wife tells me stuff, I assume there is a point to the exercise - that she wants me to do something with the information she is conveying. If she just wants me to absorb sound, it seems like a waste of time. The wall would be just as effective at having sound waves bounce off.

Walls can't hug or look you in the eye. My husband is exactly like you. The solution we found is when I feel that way, I tell him, look, I just need to vent for five minutes. I don't need you to solve it, just to listen and then empathize, ok? Then I vent. Then he hugs me and says, sounds like a bummer, I know you can handle it though. Five minutes invested into harmony seems like a good deal to both of us.

They key is to give heads up so his mind doesn't rush down the path of solving it.

Perhaps weirdly, I always feel like I'm being patronizing to my wife if I just say "sounds bad" or whatever. Of course it sounds bad. She doesn't need me to tell her that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say, but most men are like this and it's a problem.

Problem for you maybe. I don't have a problem tuning out female prattle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this discussion with my wife all the time. In my mind, if you're complaining about something, it is a problem. The whole point of a problem is to solve it - I don't get why you would want to discuss it, nurture it, and have someone agree that it is a problem when you could try to eliminate it. Seems like a big waste of time and mental energy - but, that's what she wants, so I try. not always successfully, but I try.

Perhaps it's self-confidence - if I think there is a problem, I really don't care if anyone agrees with me. I think it's a problem, so it's a problem. DO women not feel that way?

Oh this so me and I'm a woman. My husband is the feely one and I have to remind myself to respond with,"wow, yep, that sucks." henW he complains about things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what girlfriends are for.

+1. When my wife tells me stuff, I assume there is a point to the exercise - that she wants me to do something with the information she is conveying. If she just wants me to absorb sound, it seems like a waste of time. The wall would be just as effective at having sound waves bounce off.

Walls can't hug or look you in the eye. My husband is exactly like you. The solution we found is when I feel that way, I tell him, look, I just need to vent for five minutes. I don't need you to solve it, just to listen and then empathize, ok? Then I vent. Then he hugs me and says, sounds like a bummer, I know you can handle it though. Five minutes invested into harmony seems like a good deal to both of us.

They key is to give heads up so his mind doesn't rush down the path of solving it.

Perhaps weirdly, I always feel like I'm being patronizing to my wife if I just say "sounds bad" or whatever. Of course it sounds bad. She doesn't need me to tell her that.

Your wife is a better judge of what she needs you to tell her. If she says she needs you to say XYZ to feel better, it's not your place to question it. At its core, women just want to feel they are not alone, that's all. They are quite capable of figuring out what the solution might be, if one is needed.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you helped him around the house more then he wouldn't be so tired and would have more time to show empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this discussion with my wife all the time. In my mind, if you're complaining about something, it is a problem. The whole point of a problem is to solve it - I don't get why you would want to discuss it, nurture it, and have someone agree that it is a problem when you could try to eliminate it. Seems like a big waste of time and mental energy - but, that's what she wants, so I try. not always successfully, but I try.

Perhaps it's self-confidence - if I think there is a problem, I really don't care if anyone agrees with me. I think it's a problem, so it's a problem. DO women not feel that way?

Oh this so me and I'm a woman. My husband is the feely one and I have to remind myself to respond with,"wow, yep, that sucks." henW he complains about things.

I'm a woman too and this is me exactly! My reaction is always to solve the problem, troubleshoot or make DH see the other side. Then I get an earful about how I'm cold and just not caring. I try to remember this for the next time, and try to lead off with, oh that sucks. But no. I stink at empathy I guess.

[Anonymous]

I knew people who grew up with the word "stupid" not being allowed to be said in their household. As in, one sibling could not say to another "you're stupid." That wasn't a rule in the house where I grew up, but I do think the same rule can be instituted about conversations about feelings.

I don't think the phrases "you're overreacting" or "why are you so mad/upset" or "calm down" should ever be used between adult partners, unless one asks whether they are being unreasonable/need to calm down, etc. I express this expectation to anyone I'm dating the first time it comes up, if it does. People feel how they feel, and they can't control it anyway, except how they behave in response to it.

I'm pretty measured, emotionally so if I do get really worked about something, I do not appreciate having it brushed off. I don't choose to have relationships with people I think are generally irrational, so I don't feel the need to respond to them that way, either. If my partner is expressing frustration, I assume it's valid, so I listen without diminishing it. If you married someone who you think generally overreacts, that's your own damn problem. If you didn't, and you know they aren't prone to overreactions, hear them out.

[Anonymous]

There are studies that suggest dwelling on your feelings just makes them worse. If you just go do something else, you feel better than if you "let it out."
http://io9.com/these-experiments-show-that-venting-your-anger-makes-it-1369926002

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this discussion with my wife all the time. In my mind, if you're complaining about something, it is a problem. The whole point of a problem is to solve it - I don't get why you would want to discuss it, nurture it, and have someone agree that it is a problem when you could try to eliminate it. Seems like a big waste of time and mental energy - but, that's what she wants, so I try. not always successfully, but I try.

Perhaps it's self-confidence - if I think there is a problem, I really don't care if anyone agrees with me. I think it's a problem, so it's a problem. DO women not feel that way?

This is how some people cope with 'unsolvable' problems. They get it out so to speak, discuss how they feel about it and then feel better. That is the solution. It's not really a sign of lack of self confidence. Some might say keeping stuff inside that bothers you is silly or stupid- everyone has their own way of dealing with things, the judgement isn't necessary.
People use their spouses for these conversations because that's usually who you are closest to.
OP's husband needs to work on his people skills, because refusing to work with your spouse on an issue and stubbornly continuing to do things his way because it's 'right' isn't effective towards achieving the ultimate goal of a good marital relationship (assuming that's what they both want).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what girlfriends are for.

+1. When my wife tells me stuff, I assume there is a point to the exercise - that she wants me to do something with the information she is conveying. If she just wants me to absorb sound, it seems like a waste of time. The wall would be just as effective at having sound waves bounce off.

Walls can't hug or look you in the eye. My husband is exactly like you. The solution we found is when I feel that way, I tell him, look, I just need to vent for five minutes. I don't need you to solve it, just to listen and then empathize, ok? Then I vent. Then he hugs me and says, sounds like a bummer, I know you can handle it though. Five minutes invested into harmony seems like a good deal to both of us.

They key is to give heads up so his mind doesn't rush down the path of solving it.

+1
I really like this approach.

[Anonymous]

Thought this was apt here:

"WHAT WE REALLY MEAN BY “CRAZY” IS: “SHE WAS UPSET, AND I DIDN’T WANT HER TO BE.”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/09/men-really-need-to-stop-calling-women-crazy/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thought this was apt here:

"WHAT WE REALLY MEAN BY “CRAZY” IS: “SHE WAS UPSET, AND I DIDN’T WANT HER TO BE.”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/09/men-really-need-to-stop-calling-women-crazy/

That author is holding "creepy" for men as being significantly better than "crazy"?

Guys use "crazy" way too much to describe women, and I usually take it as a reflection on the guy more than the woman being described. But, when the emotional reaction is out of proportion to the circumstances causing the response, then "crazy" isn't out of line. If I feel sad because I didn't get invited to the party, that's not "crazy." If I feel blinding rage because the dishwasher wasn't organized correctly, it is.

[Anonymous]

I quit reading at "5 words used to shame women into compliance" shame is today's most overused cliche. Anyone (usually read: man) who doesn't let their relationship partner (usually read: woman) do whatever the fuck they want without regard to said partner's wants needs etc is "shaming" them. It's a bullshit feel good excuse for selfish self centered behavior. This is an evolution of the bullshit baby boomer attitude of "if I'm not happy I can't make my partner happy"

Here's a tip regardless of gender: worry more about your partner's happiness and well being than your own. Pick a partner that does the same. If the partner begins acting selfish, call them on it. If the behavior persists, move on.

[Anonymous]

It's not about the nail, as this video perfectly captures:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg