My husband invalidates my feelings

[Anonymous]

I am a happy and optimistic person 85% of the time, let's say. But sometimes I want to complain about difficult circumstances with no immediate solution, stress, or other discomfort and to be heard and understood. My husband has a very hard time not taking on my feelings, so to speak, and he frequently dismisses them or tries to talk me out of them using logic so that he can avoid feeling bad himself. He has a really hard time understanding this concept: I just need to be listened to and heard sometimes.

This pattern also emerges when I talk about positive things sometimes. I might say "oh, I'd really love to go to x place someday in the future or work towards y goal" and he experiences it as a stressful request, whereas for me it might be 100% a fantasy that I just want to share.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Read the "Men are from Mars" book. Classic male/female dynamic.

[Anonymous]

This is what girlfriends are for.

[Anonymous]

Using logic to try to solve problems? What an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Using logic to try to solve problems? What an asshole.

He doesn't use logic to try to solve my problems. He uses it to try to explain to me why I shouldn't feel the way I feel.
Ex:
Me: "I'm sad that I'll miss my family when we are in Europe all of next year"
Him: "Well that's just the way it is sometimes. I didn't see my family for a year and I was ok"

I try to explain that I find a conversation like the one above very dismissive and upsetting, but it really doesn't get through to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the "Men are from Mars" book. Classic male/female dynamic.

Yeah, I was thinking about reading that again. I wonder if I can get him to read it with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Using logic to try to solve problems? What an asshole.

Shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using logic to try to solve problems? What an asshole.

Shut up.

No.

[Anonymous]

Watch A Tale of Two Brains on YouTube with your husband

[Anonymous]

Guy here, this is the stuff we say. We think we are being helpful by responding in this way. It's ingrained in us to always have a solution for everything.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say, but most men are like this and it's a problem. When you find a solution, please report back.

[Anonymous]

My husband always tries to find a solution for every problem. If there isn't one, he dismisses the feeling expressed because he can't grasp the fact that sometimes it is healing to be listened and just respond with empathy. We have talked multiple times about this and he still doesn't get it. He also has Asperger's tendencies. Sometimes he will remember I like to have my feelings validated, and he will say: "I hear you." In such a strained voice it's actually quite funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what girlfriends are for.

+1. When my wife tells me stuff, I assume there is a point to the exercise - that she wants me to do something with the information she is conveying. If she just wants me to absorb sound, it seems like a waste of time. The wall would be just as effective at having sound waves bounce off.

[Anonymous]

What does it mean to have one's feelings "validated"? You want him to say "you are right to feel this way"? What if you aren't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to have one's feelings "validated"? You want him to say "you are right to feel this way"? What if you aren't?[/quote

Np here. We just want them to say "Yea, that's a bummer." So that we know someone on the planet understands how we're feeling at that moment. It may not be instinctual to a guy, but it is genuinely helpful.