My husband invalidates my feelings

[Anonymous]

DH here -- when my wife says Venus things I take a deep breath and try to listen. It's actually still not intuitive after all these years, but if you work at it I think women like to be listened to (as do we admittedly on frequently different topics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean to have one's feelings "validated"? You want him to say "you are right to feel this way"? What if you aren't?

Lol

I learned years ago to listen to the first part of the "problem" to see if there really was a problem. If there is, ie it is something concrete that I can offer a solution to, I listen closely to the rest and respond. If not, I tune out, nod and say mmhmm periodically and let her vent. Usually get away with it. Sometimes get caught flatfooted w a direct question though. That can get messy

[Anonymous]

I have this discussion with my wife all the time. In my mind, if you're complaining about something, it is a problem. The whole point of a problem is to solve it - I don't get why you would want to discuss it, nurture it, and have someone agree that it is a problem when you could try to eliminate it. Seems like a big waste of time and mental energy - but, that's what she wants, so I try. not always successfully, but I try.

Perhaps it's self-confidence - if I think there is a problem, I really don't care if anyone agrees with me. I think it's a problem, so it's a problem. DO women not feel that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a happy and optimistic person 85% of the time, let's say. But sometimes I want to complain about difficult circumstances with no immediate solution, stress, or other discomfort and to be heard and understood. My husband has a very hard time not taking on my feelings, so to speak, and he frequently dismisses them or tries to talk me out of them using logic so that he can avoid feeling bad himself. He has a really hard time understanding this concept: I just need to be listened to and heard sometimes.

This pattern also emerges when I talk about positive things sometimes. I might say "oh, I'd really love to go to x place someday in the future or work towards y goal" and he experiences it as a stressful request, whereas for me it might be 100% a fantasy that I just want to share.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

He sounds emotionally immature. I had an ex like this and it was so annoying because he was always invalidating my feelings and opinions because he had to be right about everything all off the time because he was insecure and needed to feel insecure. I married man who is the opposite and I'm so much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a happy and optimistic person 85% of the time, let's say. But sometimes I want to complain about difficult circumstances with no immediate solution, stress, or other discomfort and to be heard and understood. My husband has a very hard time not taking on my feelings, so to speak, and he frequently dismisses them or tries to talk me out of them using logic so that he can avoid feeling bad himself. He has a really hard time understanding this concept: I just need to be listened to and heard sometimes.

This pattern also emerges when I talk about positive things sometimes. I might say "oh, I'd really love to go to x place someday in the future or work towards y goal" and he experiences it as a stressful request, whereas for me it might be 100% a fantasy that I just want to share.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

He sounds emotionally immature. I had an ex like this and it was so annoying because he was always invalidating my feelings and opinions because he had to be right about everything all off the time because he was insecure and needed to feel insecure. I married man who is the opposite and I'm so much happier.

* needed to feel secure and in control

[Anonymous]

Maybe you two can talk about this, about how women need to just vent, and it helps them feel better, and that men perceive it as presenting a practical problem, which stresses them.

You should then always preface your venting with a warning reminder to him that it's just venting, and that he needs to keep his boundaries in check and remember you're you and just blowing off steam, and that it's not his problem to solve. His task is not to solve anything, but just to be there.

[Anonymous]

I'm still having trouble really grasping the concept. Is "invalidating your feelings" conceptually different from "disagreeing with you"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you two can talk about this, about how women need to just vent, and it helps them feel better, and that men perceive it as presenting a practical problem, which stresses them.

You should then always preface your venting with a warning reminder to him that it's just venting, and that he needs to keep his boundaries in check and remember you're you and just blowing off steam, and that it's not his problem to solve. His task is not to solve anything, but just to be there.

Why does he need to be there? Just say it when you're alone.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how men don't understand this concept. When my husband's dad died, and he was sad and expressed this sadness, I listened and empathised. How shitty would he have felt if I said, "well, everyone's parents' die; time will make you feel better; be patient; try to relax," or any other totally unhelpful comments like this. It's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still having trouble really grasping the concept. Is "invalidating your feelings" conceptually different from "disagreeing with you"?

Watch it buddy. You trying to start a fight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how men don't understand this concept. When my husband's dad died, and he was sad and expressed this sadness, I listened and empathised. How shitty would he have felt if I said, "well, everyone's parents' die; time will make you feel better; be patient; try to relax," or any other totally unhelpful comments like this. It's not rocket science.

I would be absolutely fine w DW saying that to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how men don't understand this concept. When my husband's dad died, and he was sad and expressed this sadness, I listened and empathised. How shitty would he have felt if I said, "well, everyone's parents' die; time will make you feel better; be patient; try to relax," or any other totally unhelpful comments like this. It's not rocket science.

"My Dad died. I am sad" is different than "Becky in accounting is a bitch who only got promoted because she's probably sleeping with the boss" or "I feel so fat" (while eating a cupcake).

[Anonymous]

If you tell the dog, at least the dog wags her tail occasionally.

[Anonymous]

The worst ones for me are the ones that obviously are solveable problems. She'll say "I don't need you to fix it!!" and I just want to yell "but it's fixable why the hell NOT fix it?!?!"

But I just give her a hug and say sorry dear. And she finishes venting and feels better; whether the problem ultimately gets solved is immaterial to her level of contentment apparently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what girlfriends are for.

+1. When my wife tells me stuff, I assume there is a point to the exercise - that she wants me to do something with the information she is conveying. If she just wants me to absorb sound, it seems like a waste of time. The wall would be just as effective at having sound waves bounce off.

Walls can't hug or look you in the eye. My husband is exactly like you. The solution we found is when I feel that way, I tell him, look, I just need to vent for five minutes. I don't need you to solve it, just to listen and then empathize, ok? Then I vent. Then he hugs me and says, sounds like a bummer, I know you can handle it though. Five minutes invested into harmony seems like a good deal to both of us.

They key is to give heads up so his mind doesn't rush down the path of solving it.