Consequences for failing school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Will explore summer school. Not happy about paying for it, so she will need to get a job and finance it herself for any classes she fails as a final grade.

All of my other children (including older DD) do well in school. Dealing with a teen who is not academically motivated is exhausting. I can't fathom not caring about being dumb ( or at least having grades that reflect not being smart).

You say she's never been a good student. It sounds like you've long seen her as "the dumb one." I'm sure she's received that message loud and clear. Also, she's the lazy one. Over and voer again I'll bet she's gotten the message that she's a failure in your eyes. So why try?

When was the last time you complimented her? What traits of her's have you praised?

And have you specifically gotten her tested for LDs and ADHD? A child who has never been able to perform academically may be a child who was never able to perform academically. I know you feel she doesn't have these issues, but have you ever had her evaluated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD has never been that interested in getting great grades. She's solidly a "C" student and believes she's not capable of doing better. It's a cop out because when she gets a not so great report card, she buckles down and does better the next advisory.

The problem is that it doesn't stick long term. My DH and I have accepted that she's an average student. First report card this year was 2 B's, 4 C's and 1 D. That's typical. The newest report card: 1 C, 7 E's.

DD is 15 and a sophomore.

OP, I feel your pain. We just had a very similar report card with one of our kids. I don't have any specific advice to give, but I feel what you're going through, and it is not pleasant!!!!

Whew!!! Good to know I am not alone. The DMV makes me feel like all kids are going to Ivies or Tier 1 or 2 schools and it's a relief to know other parents are also struggling with their teens lack of academic motivation. I still feel like a failure though. Just the other night I thought "did I not go over sight words in K enough?" "Why oh why did I ever allow TV watching during the school week?" "She always knew academics were important, what happened?"....and then I cry myself to sleep. I so want a do-over!

PP back, I know just how you feel! I keep wondering where I went wrong, but I do think some of the behavior (in our situation at least) is blow back from parental expectations and a way to exert his own identity. These kids do not really understand long term consequences. It is beyond frustrating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD has never been that interested in getting great grades. She's solidly a "C" student and believes she's not capable of doing better. It's a cop out because when she gets a not so great report card, she buckles down and does better the next advisory.

The problem is that it doesn't stick long term. My DH and I have accepted that she's an average student. First report card this year was 2 B's, 4 C's and 1 D. That's typical. The newest report card: 1 C, 7 E's.

DD is 15 and a sophomore.

OP, I feel your pain. We just had a very similar report card with one of our kids. I don't have any specific advice to give, but I feel what you're going through, and it is not pleasant!!!!

Whew!!! Good to know I am not alone. The DMV makes me feel like all kids are going to Ivies or Tier 1 or 2 schools and it's a relief to know other parents are also struggling with their teens lack of academic motivation. I still feel like a failure though. Just the other night I thought "did I not go over sight words in K enough?" "Why oh why did I ever allow TV watching during the school week?" "She always knew academics were important, what happened?"....and then I cry myself to sleep. I so want a do-over!

PP back, I know just how you feel! I keep wondering where I went wrong, but I do think some of the behavior (in our situation at least) is blow back from parental expectations and a way to exert his own identity. These kids do not really understand long term consequences. It is beyond frustrating!

PP back - Exactly. She says "I am not you!" all the time. I use to mention how I was a straight A student, use to bring my school books home when I didn't have HW, just to read for fun...blah blah blah. I thought it would motivate her. Instead...backfired!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD has never been that interested in getting great grades. She's solidly a "C" student and believes she's not capable of doing better. It's a cop out because when she gets a not so great report card, she buckles down and does better the next advisory.

The problem is that it doesn't stick long term. My DH and I have accepted that she's an average student. First report card this year was 2 B's, 4 C's and 1 D. That's typical. The newest report card: 1 C, 7 E's.

DD is 15 and a sophomore.

Rather than taking stuff away for bad grades, you could put a plan in place to reward good grades. When does she turn 16? How soon can she start driver's ed? I'd seriously tie the drivers license to acceptable grades- whatever you define, just don't set her up to fail.

Also- does she have any interest in getting a job over the summer or next year? Maybe a potential job at a place she likes (i.e. movies, make up, clothes) will help her get her grades up in the future.

I'd let her know that her performance in school really will translate into how she can get real-world stuff that she values. A car, a job, her own money, and increased independence are things that may resonate with her. When she gets older, her job performance will be directly tied to having material items she values.

[Anonymous]

OP - Indicating that you are a two parent family with higher achieving siblings and that your daughter who seems to be going against the family grain and is a sophomore is somewhat helpful. It sounds to me that it is important for you and DH to spend some quality and extra time with this child and to really try "to listen" to what she sees herself as a student and as a person. And try and remind yourselves that just because someone might take a different path in life does not make them a failure.

Why not set up a session with her guidance counselor so that you could have a neutral and informed person tell maybe both you, the parents, and your daughter what options there would be for her in terms of completing her education and still be eligible to go to college in the future most likely via the community college route. Are you aware that if one goes to a community college now in most states there are built in transfer options to the top tier state colleges such as UVA and William Mary as well as others? Try and take any external family or internal - "I'm dumb" pressures and attitude off of her shoulders. If she can see she still has a higher ed option, perhaps this will help her to invest the extra effort which it just might take her. I would also ask the guidance counselor for information on more work related paths within her high school to become knowledgeable about them, too. Additionally, if she has an obviously hard area of study say math or science, can she try taking or retaking that course in summer school to focus on and get through the sequence. You want to take to take off the immediate excuse in attitude or feelings of failure AND to give her the time in the future to mature and come to understand the importance of grades. You an DH need to also understand there is more than one way to get into college or even job train after high school

If you even think there might be a mental health aspect to her attitude and behavior, I urge you to get her a screening with a woman therapist. And, I recognize this might be an unknown territory that you and DH may have been avoiding even going to. However, having done this ourselves, I can only tell you it only puts off the grief and frustration of dealing with issues into the future. And, again this could start with a phsycial with her PCP AND a call to look for iissues to perhaps have the doctor suggest a screening.

Depending on how your family has operated, I would not hold this teen suddenly to greater expectations of household responsibilities than the others or it will purely punitive. However, what other parents of teens have brought up is an issue of "positive time management," and this should be a topic of conversation as soon as possible. There needs to be a positive direction found for her in life besides "holding a seat in class" and "sitting in front of a screen or phone" at home. How you do this you may just need outside family counseling but somehow to give her choices of part-time job with a plan on where earnings go, limiting screen/phone time until the effort is there in the classes, engaging in some volunteer or church group activity regularly if not a school related group etc. For any siblings at home perhaps engaging them all more in the running of the household - something so that you can start to give her positive feedback.

And, I do agree you have a big card to play for "progress" in her defining and getting moving on goals of interest to her which are healthy and positive - driver's ed training, then a license and then use of a family car. Notice I did not say her own car because that is a privilege that she will have to earn. Partly this sounds like maybe the first time you and DH have had to really work hard on parenting. I do hope you are game for it and willing to get outside professional input because your daughter's future is depending on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Will explore summer school. Not happy about paying for it, so she will need to get a job and finance it herself for any classes she fails as a final grade.

All of my other children (including older DD) do well in school. Dealing with a teen who is not academically motivated is exhausting. I can't fathom not caring about being dumb ( or at least having grades that reflect not being smart).

First of all, going from middle of the road grades to 5 E's is a REALLY dramatic downturn. Something happened this quarter that took an average student and made her entirely give up. You need to find out what that is. Having scorn and derision and disgust for her is not going to get her to open up to you.

Secondly, a person can be incredibly smart and have a successful life, both financially and socially, without being at all academically motivated. I got full scholarships to a top private college and graduated Phi Beta Kappa. My brother dropped out of high school, got a GED, and became a diesel mechanic. He earned more than I do. Fairly significantly more.

Your daughter could make big bucks as a plumber or a home inspector or an HVAC contractor or a makeup artist.

I'm the earlier PP who advocated taking away the phone, grounding, etc. but the more I read of your tone toward her, and the information about the dramatic downturn this quarter, suggests to me that YOU need therapy, and the two of you need it together. You need to accept that your daughter is not like your other children. She has different strengths. You need her to open up to you so you can figure out what happened this quarter to make her completely give up on the minimum at school. And you need to stop projecting a doomsday scenario about academics. There are other options in life. It would be best if you could work as her mentor and partner and help her make a plan. That includes holding her accountable, like making her pay for summer school if she flunks classes entirely, but it also means being her advocate and support when she is going through a hard time emotionally. The sad thing is you sound like you just don't like her, and it will be impossible for her to open up to you if she knows that in her bones.

[Anonymous]

Any sign of drug use or pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

pretty simple. take the phone and socializing away. You pay the bills so that isn't hard. Geez people, take a parenting class

[Anonymous]

Summer school or repeat the grade since she shouldn't receive credit for failed classes. Remind her she likely would not graduate with her class with that many failures/unearned credits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in school, my mom's rule was that she would not nag us about school as long as we got A's. Anything less, and she was allowed to nag as much as she wanted. My kids are too young, but I think this is the strategy I would try. Maybe draw a slightly lower line (B's?) and try that? Nag nag nag, take away electronics and time out with friends until homework is done, and hold out the nag-free line as a reward?

Don't draw a line above where your kids can deliver. If I have knowledge to share from my son's recent troubles, it would be to have projected fewer expectations onto my child rearing. Raising a teen who isn't thriving by the measures I valued when he was younger.... humbling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pretty simple. take the phone and socializing away. You pay the bills so that isn't hard. Geez people, take a parenting class

You have no idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, calmly let her know the likelihood of being held back. And if she's held back she needs to think about what that will do to her social life.

It doesn't take much to graduate from high school. Make sure you know what the minimum requirements are. You should have a plan as to how she can meet those requirements. She should not be in any classes other than the basics to graduate - unless she shows some initiative.

[Anonymous]

I'm often called a Tiger mom and this thread is making me feel better about my parenting. OP if I were you, I would clamp down hard. There would be no excuses, no activities, no phone, no friends no anything until grades returned. Wow - you think C's are middle of the road? They really are failing grades. I would treat her like a young child and go over every homework assignment with her. She'll hate you now but that's a much easier consequence to deal with then to have a kid that struggles throughout life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm often called a Tiger mom and this thread is making me feel better about my parenting. OP if I were you, I would clamp down hard. There would be no excuses, no activities, no phone, no friends no anything until grades returned. Wow - you think C's are middle of the road? They really are failing grades. I would treat her like a young child and go over every homework assignment with her. She'll hate you now but that's a much easier consequence to deal with then to have a kid that struggles throughout life.

Untrue. C is literally the middle of the grading scale. It means "average" work, and average implies middle. Students get credit for courses in which they have C's so a C is not failing. Depending on the district either an E or an F is failing.

I would focus on the attitude and the future plans/goals rather than specifically coming down hard on her for C grades; the E grades would be unacceptable because that literally is failing.

[Anonymous]

Hire a tutor and have her spend time with tutor. Limit wifi and phone to after she completes homework. Or make something a reward for improvement. Make a mtg with her you and school and discuss ways for her to get more motivated. Possibly increase the amount of chores she does at home with her understanding this is the kind of work she'll be doing when or if she graduates. May as well get some skills now. Get her evaluated by a psychologist for learning challenges or add. There may be s hidden reason she takes no interest. May be defensive but something is harder than you realize. But the best solution for the near term is to get tutors. Schools here are tougher than when we grew up. She may feel hopeless and hides that in vapid socializing.