Consequences for failing school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm often called a Tiger mom and this thread is making me feel better about my parenting. OP if I were you, I would clamp down hard. There would be no excuses, no activities, no phone, no friends no anything until grades returned. Wow - you think C's are middle of the road? They really are failing grades. I would treat her like a young child and go over every homework assignment with her. She'll hate you now but that's a much easier consequence to deal with then to have a kid that struggles throughout life.

OP here. While I'm very unhappy about the grades, I don't agree with this route. I expect my children to take responsibility for their grades and their behavior. When there are troubles (like now!), I will explore what went wrong and how we can fix them. I refuse to treat her like a 2nd grader. She is two years out (I hope!) from having to decide what direction to take with her life. Babying her now would cripple, rather than empower, her.

As a part time teacher I beg to differ. NO C's are not failing. Are they good? No. Acceptable? Maybe to some. Passing? Always. Let's not say things that are simply not true. Getting a C means there is a lot of work to be done and much room for improvement but it is not a failing grade.

Depending on what she wants to study if she decided to go to college, a C won't be enough. At my school, in my college, you'll pass the class with a C, but to advance in the program, you need to pass your classes with at least a B. So a C is really nothing to settle with.

FWIW, I was her in high school and barely graduated. I'm in college now and have a 4.0. I was just lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has dug a new low. No learning disabilities...just pure laziness and lack of interest.

The s..t hits the fan. Grounded for eternity, or eternity in kid's mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not doing your job as a parent by not ruling out depression or a learning disability or some other issue and having a professional assess what is happening with DD. She may be going through a crisis that you are unaware of.

[Anonymous]

Have you contacted her teachers to find out what went south in terms of assignments and tests? You seem quick to go to punishment OP. I think your daughter needs some help and support.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't see anything about her friends, social life or social media activities. Are you up on what she is doing and what here friends are like? Has drug use been an issue? If you don't already, please look through her phone and computer activity, as well as social media pages of her friends.

My 16-yr old nephew was following a similar pattern. Smart kid, but lack of interest in academics or sports once he hit middle school years. Average grades went to failing almost everything sophomore year. Caught with pot in school as a freshman, skipping school and Fs became the norm. Summer school two years in a row, didn't help. He just didn't care. His group of friends were all the same. Weed, alcohol, codeine, pills, you name it, that is his life. Recent arrest for assault and will probably drop out of school. Still just doesn't care. Wants to get high. Period. As for his parents, well you sound much more together than they are, so I can't imagine your daughter will sink this low. But do you know what she is doing with her time and what her friends are like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many schools will only award A's to - at most - 10% of the class, regardless of mastery. So tiger mom above - do you come down hard on your kid if they aren't in the top 10% in all of their classes?

We haven't had that problem.

I'm happy that God gave you kids who can handle your expectations. I warn you that it isn't all about your parenting. The universe has a way of punishing people as smug as you. I used to have an A student. Now he is not. Parenting my child isn't easy, and demanding more than he can do right now would only result in worse outcomes. I have learned some humility. I hope you can find some.

[Anonymous]

Op, obviously I don't know you or your daughter. I will tell you my situation with our DD, though, just in case it's helpful.

Our DD (15) was always an average B student, but starting in late middle school we noticed her grades dropping a bit. This year the grades really dropped -- to Cs and Dc mostly, with just a couple of Bs. DD has always been a bit less engaged in school -- sort of a reluctant reader with way more interest in social things than academics. At the same time, she was doing her homework for classes and is by no means unintelligent. You can tell she thinks about current events and issues. She's also kind and pleasant to be around (at least until the topic of school gets mentioned).

Long story short, we decided to have DD tested recently. It turns out she has ADHD and other learning disabilities we were unaware of. We are now working to get her the help she needs to do better. Obviously, getting this information isn't a magic bullet that makes all the problems go away. DD still struggles and also needs to improve her motivation and work habits when it comes to school. At least now we know it's more complicated that "she's just lazy." Maybe something similar is up with your daughter? Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are never going to be academic stars. LD, ADHD, interest lots of issues. If you read biographies of famous explorers most were terrible at school. It might be worth saying alright you are not going to college, what are you going to do and finding a high school that does that type of work training. In this area it is hard because so many of those programs have been eliminated and there is so much emphasis on college but we may be loosing a lot of smart kids that may be able to do socially constructive things because we were successful at school. I say this as a parent of an ADHD kid who hates school and our focus here on out is on how to make sure she does not have a desk job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many schools will only award A's to - at most - 10% of the class, regardless of mastery. So tiger mom above - do you come down hard on your kid if they aren't in the top 10% in all of their classes?

We haven't had that problem.

I'm happy that God gave you kids who can handle your expectations. I warn you that it isn't all about your parenting. The universe has a way of punishing people as smug as you. I used to have an A student. Now he is not. Parenting my child isn't easy, and demanding more than he can do right now would only result in worse outcomes. I have learned some humility. I hope you can find some.

Why do you think demanding more will result in a worse outcome?

[Anonymous]

Because she's tried and it made things worse. So she stopped. And she is finding that finding the right balance between being demanding and being understanding is best for her DC.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I had my daughter write me a letter explaining her poor performance and we had a long family discussion last night.

Long story short, some of her past insecurities have gotten the best of her this past semester (worrying about her looks, how others view her, her skin complexion, etc). It's been a problem since middle school and, while I can coach her into feeling better about herself, she is terribly self conscious. In short, she's focused more on fitting in with her friends than focusing on school in an attempt to be cool to keep kids from talking about her.

She says she's straightened up and has been doing better since the last reporting period. My DH and I are seriously considering homeschooling her because I just don't see a way around getting her to get over these insecurities.

So, long story short...we're working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I had my daughter write me a letter explaining her poor performance and we had a long family discussion last night.

Long story short, some of her past insecurities have gotten the best of her this past semester (worrying about her looks, how others view her, her skin complexion, etc). It's been a problem since middle school and, while I can coach her into feeling better about herself, she is terribly self conscious. In short, she's focused more on fitting in with her friends than focusing on school in an attempt to be cool to keep kids from talking about her.

She says she's straightened up and has been doing better since the last reporting period. My DH and I are seriously considering homeschooling her because I just don't see a way around getting her to get over these insecurities.

So, long story short...we're working on it.

Is it possible that she still has an anxiety issue or ld?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you seek some professional help for your DD, OP? She sounds anxious, depressed or both. Glad I didn't have you as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you seek some professional help for your DD, OP? She sounds anxious, depressed or both. Glad I didn't have you as a mom.

Sounds like she's a pretty good mom to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I had my daughter write me a letter explaining her poor performance and we had a long family discussion last night.

Long story short, some of her past insecurities have gotten the best of her this past semester (worrying about her looks, how others view her, her skin complexion, etc). It's been a problem since middle school and, while I can coach her into feeling better about herself, she is terribly self conscious. In short, she's focused more on fitting in with her friends than focusing on school in an attempt to be cool to keep kids from talking about her.

She says she's straightened up and has been doing better since the last reporting period. My DH and I are seriously considering homeschooling her because I just don't see a way around getting her to get over these insecurities.

So, long story short...we're working on it.

So I read this as she is feeling anxious while OP read it, again, as a character flaw - she's just worried about fitting in. I don't get it. OP clearly has never had her DD evaluated for LDs or mood issues, there are quite a few red flags here. She would rather thing her DD is dumb and superficial. I see a girl who has always struggled in school but who has never gotten the support she needs to succeed. Since she can't do academics because she's never gotten support she gets her self esteem from her looks and friends and rightfully feels the anxiety of grasping onto these fleeting things. And her mother refuses to get her the help she needs.