Consequences for failing school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Will explore summer school. Not happy about paying for it, so she will need to get a job and finance it herself for any classes she fails as a final grade.

All of my other children (including older DD) do well in school. Dealing with a teen who is not academically motivated is exhausting. I can't fathom not caring about being dumb ( or at least having grades that reflect not being smart).

Typical situation, OP. Older children achieve up to your expectations, you never thought one of your kids would be an underperformer, and you as a parent find yourself unequipped to deal with such a child. You blame her, not you. You do not pause to consider what her psychological health is, with all this pressure on her.

And worst of all, the bolded above. As a parent of a child who is gifted with learning disabilities, and who has had atrocious grades despite a high IQ and demonstrated abilities, I find it deplorable that you can equate underperformance with stupidity, and reading between the lines, that you would find stupidity to be unlovable.

That's a terrible message to be sending to your child, OP. She has likely stopped trying to please you because she feels that nothing she will ever do is good enough. So the solution is to show her, in words and actions, that whatever she does, she will be valued and loved. That having good grades is her choice and her responsibility, and that if she needs your help, a tutor, organizational coaching, you will provide it.

Do you know what Dr. Stixrud, the famous neuropsychologist, says to his teen patients, many of whom are bright but unmotivated?
"I don't give a shit about your grades. I want you to understand that anything worth doing or having in this life takes hard work. So you can drop out for all I care, but I want you to find something you want to do and work hard to achieve your goal. This might mean going to community college and transferring to UMD. Or it could mean finding a job right away. Or it could mean applying yourself now in high school to get into another university that's best for the goal you have in mind. But ultimately it's your life, and you'll have to work hard to do what you want with it."

Don't blame her, but put the power of choice squarely on her shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No phone, no socializing outside of school. Summer school.

A given.

[Anonymous]

I don't know OP, you have an awfully closed mind. You don;t think its possible that there's any other explanation for your DD than that she is being dumb and bad. You've never had her evaluated for an LD, yet you are absolutely convinced she doesn't have one. I don;t think you are particularly knowledgable about LDs, or mood disorders for that matter. A child who has never done particularly well in school, a child who doesn't even want to try anymore, and you've never sought professional help.

But there's no hope here. I feel sorry for your DD. You aren't giving her what she needs and now you're threatening to isolate her on top of everything else.

You can say it over and over again but as the mother of one child with LDs and another with depression, I see so many red flags. Unless she's evaluated by a professional, I'm not convinced.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter needs therapy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know OP, you have an awfully closed mind. You don;t think its possible that there's any other explanation for your DD than that she is being dumb and bad. You've never had her evaluated for an LD, yet you are absolutely convinced she doesn't have one. I don;t think you are particularly knowledgable about LDs, or mood disorders for that matter. A child who has never done particularly well in school, a child who doesn't even want to try anymore, and you've never sought professional help.

But there's no hope here. I feel sorry for your DD. You aren't giving her what she needs and now you're threatening to isolate her on top of everything else.

You can say it over and over again but as the mother of one child with LDs and another with depression, I see so many red flags. Unless she's evaluated by a professional, I'm not convinced.

+1

[Anonymous]

I tried this crap once in MS. My family sent me to Philly one summer in the absolute ghetto to live with a cousins and get a preview of my life not giving a damn. Ummm. I begged to go home and try hard in school. I did just that and finished in top to of hs, college and was fine from then on. I will NEVER forget that summer. Send her to a real hood.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've got your college essay topic right here. Colorism. It will explain her dip in grades and be, itself, a therapeutic exploration of the topic from a personal perspective.

Good luck!