Consequences for failing school

[Anonymous]

Ps. Some regard ADD as a disorder of motivation. Sounds like she has much less of it than the average kid.
If he is experiencing a lack of understanding or scorn from you it will only make things worse. Sounds like she needs some help.

[Anonymous]

From experience, clamping down will make her rebel more. She's 15. Me, I'd suspect that there is something else, if she went from minimal to no effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has dug a new low. No learning disabilities...just pure laziness and lack of interest.

How do you know that this is just laziness and not a learning disability or another issue like ADD or depression? Has she had a full neuropsychological assessment? They are expensive, but very helpful. Many insurance companies will pay for a significant portion of testing because it can help in making a differential diagnosis of a number of different medical issues.

Without a full neuropsych, you really can't say it's laziness and not something else...

Anyway, it's a good message to send to your kid -- we think you're capable of more, but we are consulting experts we will really assess you and help us figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are, what realistic goals are, and how we can help you learn in the best way.

When parents tell kids "you can do better," kids often ignore it because they think their parents have to say that. The picture changes when an objective doctor delivers the news about strengths and weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD has never been that interested in getting great grades. She's solidly a "C" student and believes she's not capable of doing better. It's a cop out because when she gets a not so great report card, she buckles down and does better the next advisory.

The problem is that it doesn't stick long term. My DH and I have accepted that she's an average student. First report card this year was 2 B's, 4 C's and 1 D. That's typical. The newest report card: 1 C, 7 E's.

DD is 15 and a sophomore.

You have to look at more than the final quarter grade. Get online and figure out -- what is pulling her grades down? Is it failure to turn in homework? Bombing quizzes? Bombing tests? Not doing long term projects? Get a bad grade on a quiz or test and not going back and asking for a retake?

If she buckles down and gets better grades and can't maintain it, that suggests to me that she has some difficulty with organizing and scheduling her work and maintaining balance in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Will explore summer school. Not happy about paying for it, so she will need to get a job and finance it herself for any classes she fails as a final grade.

All of my other children (including older DD) do well in school. Dealing with a teen who is not academically motivated is exhausting. I can't fathom not caring about being dumb ( or at least having grades that reflect not being smart).

First of all, going from middle of the road grades to 5 E's is a REALLY dramatic downturn. Something happened this quarter that took an average student and made her entirely give up. You need to find out what that is. Having scorn and derision and disgust for her is not going to get her to open up to you.

Secondly, a person can be incredibly smart and have a successful life, both financially and socially, without being at all academically motivated. I got full scholarships to a top private college and graduated Phi Beta Kappa. My brother dropped out of high school, got a GED, and became a diesel mechanic. He earned more than I do. Fairly significantly more.

Your daughter could make big bucks as a plumber or a home inspector or an HVAC contractor or a makeup artist.

I'm the earlier PP who advocated taking away the phone, grounding, etc. but the more I read of your tone toward her, and the information about the dramatic downturn this quarter, suggests to me that YOU need therapy, and the two of you need it together. You need to accept that your daughter is not like your other children. She has different strengths. You need her to open up to you so you can figure out what happened this quarter to make her completely give up on the minimum at school. And you need to stop projecting a doomsday scenario about academics. There are other options in life. It would be best if you could work as her mentor and partner and help her make a plan. That includes holding her accountable, like making her pay for summer school if she flunks classes entirely, but it also means being her advocate and support when she is going through a hard time emotionally. The sad thing is you sound like you just don't like her, and it will be impossible for her to open up to you if she knows that in her bones.

You make some good points and I will definitely take them into consideration. But, I must say that your accusation that I don't like my daughter is completely out of line and I am highly offended. I love my daughter with everything in my being. No more or less than any of my other children. It's not as if the others are straight A students so there really is no comparing them academically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - Indicating that you are a two parent family with higher achieving siblings and that your daughter who seems to be going against the family grain and is a sophomore is somewhat helpful. It sounds to me that it is important for you and DH to spend some quality and extra time with this child and to really try "to listen" to what she sees herself as a student and as a person. And try and remind yourselves that just because someone might take a different path in life does not make them a failure.

Why not set up a session with her guidance counselor so that you could have a neutral and informed person tell maybe both you, the parents, and your daughter what options there would be for her in terms of completing her education and still be eligible to go to college in the future most likely via the community college route. Are you aware that if one goes to a community college now in most states there are built in transfer options to the top tier state colleges such as UVA and William Mary as well as others? Try and take any external family or internal - "I'm dumb" pressures and attitude off of her shoulders. If she can see she still has a higher ed option, perhaps this will help her to invest the extra effort which it just might take her. I would also ask the guidance counselor for information on more work related paths within her high school to become knowledgeable about them, too. Additionally, if she has an obviously hard area of study say math or science, can she try taking or retaking that course in summer school to focus on and get through the sequence. You want to take to take off the immediate excuse in attitude or feelings of failure AND to give her the time in the future to mature and come to understand the importance of grades. You an DH need to also understand there is more than one way to get into college or even job train after high school

If you even think there might be a mental health aspect to her attitude and behavior, I urge you to get her a screening with a woman therapist. And, I recognize this might be an unknown territory that you and DH may have been avoiding even going to. However, having done this ourselves, I can only tell you it only puts off the grief and frustration of dealing with issues into the future. And, again this could start with a phsycial with her PCP AND a call to look for iissues to perhaps have the doctor suggest a screening.

Depending on how your family has operated, I would not hold this teen suddenly to greater expectations of household responsibilities than the others or it will purely punitive. However, what other parents of teens have brought up is an issue of "positive time management," and this should be a topic of conversation as soon as possible. There needs to be a positive direction found for her in life besides "holding a seat in class" and "sitting in front of a screen or phone" at home. How you do this you may just need outside family counseling but somehow to give her choices of part-time job with a plan on where earnings go, limiting screen/phone time until the effort is there in the classes, engaging in some volunteer or church group activity regularly if not a school related group etc. For any siblings at home perhaps engaging them all more in the running of the household - something so that you can start to give her positive feedback.

And, I do agree you have a big card to play for "progress" in her defining and getting moving on goals of interest to her which are healthy and positive - driver's ed training, then a license and then use of a family car. Notice I did not say her own car because that is a privilege that she will have to earn. Partly this sounds like maybe the first time you and DH have had to really work hard on parenting. I do hope you are game for it and willing to get outside professional input because your daughter's future is depending on it.

OP here. This is a VERY helpful post. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm often called a Tiger mom and this thread is making me feel better about my parenting. OP if I were you, I would clamp down hard. There would be no excuses, no activities, no phone, no friends no anything until grades returned. Wow - you think C's are middle of the road? They really are failing grades. I would treat her like a young child and go over every homework assignment with her. She'll hate you now but that's a much easier consequence to deal with then to have a kid that struggles throughout life.

OP here. While I'm very unhappy about the grades, I don't agree with this route. I expect my children to take responsibility for their grades and their behavior. When there are troubles (like now!), I will explore what went wrong and how we can fix them. I refuse to treat her like a 2nd grader. She is two years out (I hope!) from having to decide what direction to take with her life. Babying her now would cripple, rather than empower, her.

[Anonymous]

OP - 1430 Here and for what it is worth it is because we did not address a mental health issue in a high school student who was on the other end of high performance until it blew up for her and us in college. Our youngest had a cognitive disability that took our focus a lot and in a way I blame myself most as not being able to face having another daughter with a different kind of need. In her case the marker for us was if she lost interest in how she performed at school. Just a lot easier to address even "possibilities" earlier and while I do not jump on the bandwagon of a therapist for every single issue, maybe start with her PCP for the physical but with a bit of background information to the doctor on what to probe for ahead of time which you can do as her parent - until age 18 that is. With a spread of close to 100 points in IQ, we have just always been wide open on what "success" means, BUT we had expectations for our youngest as we had for our two older daughters growing up - of how to dress, how to act socially, how to do things at hime, and that school was important. All three girls are employed, but one resides with us. Just figure out how to best help her figure things out.

[Anonymous]

If you keep doing the same thing but expect a different result you are kidding yourself. Time to change things dramatically!!

How old is she? Is boarding school an option? Outward Bound? First thing that would go is her phone any anything else that could be considered a luxury. Failing out of school cannot be rewarded.

I also think a therapist to try to assess what is REALLY going on. there are reasons kids go to that extreme. What are her friends like? How is the school handling this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm often called a Tiger mom and this thread is making me feel better about my parenting. OP if I were you, I would clamp down hard. There would be no excuses, no activities, no phone, no friends no anything until grades returned. Wow - you think C's are middle of the road? They really are failing grades. I would treat her like a young child and go over every homework assignment with her. She'll hate you now but that's a much easier consequence to deal with then to have a kid that struggles throughout life.

OP here. While I'm very unhappy about the grades, I don't agree with this route. I expect my children to take responsibility for their grades and their behavior. When there are troubles (like now!), I will explore what went wrong and how we can fix them. I refuse to treat her like a 2nd grader. She is two years out (I hope!) from having to decide what direction to take with her life. Babying her now would cripple, rather than empower, her.

As a part time teacher I beg to differ. NO C's are not failing. Are they good? No. Acceptable? Maybe to some. Passing? Always. Let's not say things that are simply not true. Getting a C means there is a lot of work to be done and much room for improvement but it is not a failing grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm often called a Tiger mom and this thread is making me feel better about my parenting. OP if I were you, I would clamp down hard. There would be no excuses, no activities, no phone, no friends no anything until grades returned. Wow - you think C's are middle of the road? They really are failing grades. I would treat her like a young child and go over every homework assignment with her. She'll hate you now but that's a much easier consequence to deal with then to have a kid that struggles throughout life.

OP here. While I'm very unhappy about the grades, I don't agree with this route. I expect my children to take responsibility for their grades and their behavior. When there are troubles (like now!), I will explore what went wrong and how we can fix them. I refuse to treat her like a 2nd grader. She is two years out (I hope!) from having to decide what direction to take with her life. Babying her now would cripple, rather than empower, her.

As a part time teacher I beg to differ. NO C's are not failing. Are they good? No. Acceptable? Maybe to some. Passing? Always. Let's not say things that are simply not true. Getting a C means there is a lot of work to be done and much room for improvement but it is not a failing grade.

Ok technically not failing but if my kid ever came home with a C I would be livid. B's aren't even socially acceptable in our house. I guess it all has to do with expectations. I have very high expectations for my kuds.

[Anonymous]

^^kids.

[Anonymous]

Many schools will only award A's to - at most - 10% of the class, regardless of mastery. So tiger mom above - do you come down hard on your kid if they aren't in the top 10% in all of their classes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many schools will only award A's to - at most - 10% of the class, regardless of mastery. So tiger mom above - do you come down hard on your kid if they aren't in the top 10% in all of their classes?

We haven't had that problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ok technically not failing but if my kid ever came home with a C I would be livid. B's aren't even socially acceptable in our house. I guess it all has to do with expectations. I have very high expectations for my kuds.

It does not all have to do with expectations. It also has to do with raising the child you have, not the child you wish you had.