What is "slut shaming" and why is it wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

This. I might disagree with someone's sexual choices. I might recognize that a person is making unhealthy sexual choices. I think there may be very good reasons to delay sexual activity, or to be careful about who you choose to have sex with. I recognize that sex has serious emotional, physical, and other personal consequences.

But I don't think a person's value is based on how many people they have had (consensual) sex with. A girl isn't somehow worth less as a person because she's had sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's devaluing a person, usually a woman, for sexual activity.

Exactly this. Slut-shaming is saying that a woman is worth less as a human being as a result of something related to sex. It doesn't even have to be actual sexual activity, because girls and women can also get slut-shamed for their clothes or social activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

I agree. But to speak of this type of teen sex as "nothing shameful," "consensual," "beautiful," and other absurd adjectives used here is equally harmful. These kids need help. Sometimes calling their behavior out for what it is can be a first step.

I agree with the poster in bold above. You people who talk about a mom not being judgemental about a fictional high school girl who has multiple partners are devoid of reality.

Yes it does matter whether a parent approves of such behavior to her daughter. The reality of it is, the value system is biased towards girls bearing the burden of the shame. It always has been, that is just the reality.

High school girls are not mature enough to have sex or to have the confidence to stand by their choices. That is also reality.

I've spoken about this topic to my daughter, told her not to be judgemental but also I don't want her hanging around someone like this either. Promiscuous sex is n not okay in any circumstance. Do I think my daughter will never do this? No, but I do tell her that I will love her forever, I don't have to like or approve of every one of her choices. I am her parent not her BFF.

As a mom I would want to know where my daughter heard the term slut shaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem is boys and girls have no business having sex to begin with. We aren't talking about men and women here. We're talking about kids, teens, high schoolers.

This notion that women have sex just to get men to love them or to win their approval is silly. Women can have consensual sex for the pure enjoyment of it - no strings attached - just as much as the men that they are sleeping with. But this is grown up stuff. Not something for teenage kids (and minivan moms) to gossip, tease and tsk tsk about.

Would I want my child to hang out with a promiscuous teen? Well no I would not. That doesn't mean that I completely frown upon unattached adults having consensual sex without a committed relationship. I don't applaud it, but it's not my beeswax.

But some kids have always started having sex before 18, whether or not their parents forbade it. Also, some kids turn 18 in high school. There is no "magic day" on which someone is suddenly mature enough to handle a sexual relationship. Obviously, the legal age is 18. But there is little difference in the emotional maturity of a high school senior and college freshman.

I know this discussion has been on all ages of teens and not specifically on HS seniors. But the point remains- some kids start being sexually active before they move out of their parents' home. It is a fact of life. Parents cannot simply wish it away and should not pretend it doesn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

This. I might disagree with someone's sexual choices. I might recognize that a person is making unhealthy sexual choices. I think there may be very good reasons to delay sexual activity, or to be careful about who you choose to have sex with. I recognize that sex has serious emotional, physical, and other personal consequences.

But I don't think a person's value is based on how many people they have had (consensual) sex with. A girl isn't somehow worth less as a person because she's had sex.

I agree with both of you but that is not the message being sent to the younger generation... boys and girls.

I don't think that a girl needs to "stay a virgin" but when I hear a girl has multiple partners or is giving BJ's in the middle of a HS party there is no problem with a girl being ashamed of her actions. Conversely when a boy is trying to coerce a drunk girl to have sex (not rape but being controlling) he should be ashamed of his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the poster in bold above. You people who talk about a mom not being judgemental about a fictional high school girl who has multiple partners are devoid of reality.

Yes it does matter whether a parent approves of such behavior to her daughter. The reality of it is, the value system is biased towards girls bearing the burden of the shame. It always has been, that is just the reality.

High school girls are not mature enough to have sex or to have the confidence to stand by their choices. That is also reality.

I've spoken about this topic to my daughter, told her not to be judgemental but also I don't want her hanging around someone like this either. Promiscuous sex is n not okay in any circumstance. Do I think my daughter will never do this? No, but I do tell her that I will love her forever, I don't have to like or approve of every one of her choices. I am her parent not her BFF.

As a mom I would want to know where my daughter heard the term slut shaming.

The value system being biased towards girls bearing the brunt of shame is reality that needs to change.

All high school girls being too immature to have sex or to have the confidence to stand by their choices is not reality.

And your daughter could have heard the term "slut shaming" any number of places. It's not esoteric academic jargon. It's not esoteric pornographic jargon, either.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you sound sexist OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

This. I might disagree with someone's sexual choices. I might recognize that a person is making unhealthy sexual choices. I think there may be very good reasons to delay sexual activity, or to be careful about who you choose to have sex with. I recognize that sex has serious emotional, physical, and other personal consequences.

But I don't think a person's value is based on how many people they have had (consensual) sex with. A girl isn't somehow worth less as a person because she's had sex.

I agree with both of you but that is not the message being sent to the younger generation... boys and girls.

I don't think that a girl needs to "stay a virgin" but when I hear a girl has multiple partners or is giving BJ's in the middle of a HS party there is no problem with a girl being ashamed of her actions. Conversely when a boy is trying to coerce a drunk girl to have sex (not rape but being controlling) he should be ashamed of his actions.

There is always a problem with an adult shaming a child. That's what slut-shaming is. If the girl feels ashamed of her actions herself, it's not slut-shaming to say "It sounds like you wish you'd made a different decision. How do you think you can make a decision that you won't feel ashamed of in the future?" It is absolutely a problem to hear about a girl doing what you said (and, because everyone keeps forgetting, those things are not solo endeavors, yet the boys in question never get shamed - not by themselves or anyone else) for an adult to say "she sounds like a slut and I don't want you hanging out with her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

This. I might disagree with someone's sexual choices. I might recognize that a person is making unhealthy sexual choices. I think there may be very good reasons to delay sexual activity, or to be careful about who you choose to have sex with. I recognize that sex has serious emotional, physical, and other personal consequences.

But I don't think a person's value is based on how many people they have had (consensual) sex with. A girl isn't somehow worth less as a person because she's had sex.

I agree with both of you but that is not the message being sent to the younger generation... boys and girls.

I don't think that a girl needs to "stay a virgin" but when I hear a girl has multiple partners or is giving BJ's in the middle of a HS party there is no problem with a girl being ashamed of her actions. Conversely when a boy is trying to coerce a drunk girl to have sex (not rape but being controlling) he should be ashamed of his actions.

There is always a problem with an adult shaming a child. That's what slut-shaming is. If the girl feels ashamed of her actions herself, it's not slut-shaming to say "It sounds like you wish you'd made a different decision. How do you think you can make a decision that you won't feel ashamed of in the future?" It is absolutely a problem to hear about a girl doing what you said (and, because everyone keeps forgetting, those things are not solo endeavors, yet the boys in question never get shamed - not by themselves or anyone else) for an adult to say "she sounds like a slut and I don't want you hanging out with her."

I am not sure what planet you are on when boys are not "shamed".

I will absolutely say to my children. I don't want you hanging out with Jane or Joe if they are acting like sluts or if they are doing drugs or if they like to be a menace to society in any sort of way. I have no problem if the other child knows I have made this decision. Sure kids change, and when they do they are welcome back with open arms. But this wow Jane is just making some bad decisions right now you go be a good friend, NOT ... does not work in HS. Kids need to pick good friends and if a friends starts sleeping around or doing drugs or getting in trouble my kids will steer clear of that person. Ever hear of guilt by association, parents know... teachers know. Too bad, if you want friends stop making bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:, those things are not solo endeavors, yet the boys in question never get shamed - not by themselves or anyone else) for an adult to say "she sounds like a slut and I don't want you hanging out with her."

I am not sure what planet you are on when boys are not "shamed".

I will absolutely say to my children. I don't want you hanging out with Jane or Joe if they are acting like sluts or if they are doing drugs or if they like to be a menace to society in any sort of way. I have no problem if the other child knows I have made this decision. Sure kids change, and when they do they are welcome back with open arms. But this wow Jane is just making some bad decisions right now you go be a good friend, NOT ... does not work in HS. Kids need to pick good friends and if a friends starts sleeping around or doing drugs or getting in trouble my kids will steer clear of that person. Ever hear of guilt by association, parents know... teachers know. Too bad, if you want friends stop making bad decisions.

What does "acting like sluts" mean?

Also, while you may want your kids to steer clear of a person who does things you disapprove of, your kids might make their own decisions about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

This. I might disagree with someone's sexual choices. I might recognize that a person is making unhealthy sexual choices. I think there may be very good reasons to delay sexual activity, or to be careful about who you choose to have sex with. I recognize that sex has serious emotional, physical, and other personal consequences.

But I don't think a person's value is based on how many people they have had (consensual) sex with. A girl isn't somehow worth less as a person because she's had sex.

I agree with both of you but that is not the message being sent to the younger generation... boys and girls.

I don't think that a girl needs to "stay a virgin" but when I hear a girl has multiple partners or is giving BJ's in the middle of a HS party there is no problem with a girl being ashamed of her actions. Conversely when a boy is trying to coerce a drunk girl to have sex (not rape but being controlling) he should be ashamed of his actions.

There is always a problem with an adult shaming a child. That's what slut-shaming is. If the girl feels ashamed of her actions herself, it's not slut-shaming to say "It sounds like you wish you'd made a different decision. How do you think you can make a decision that you won't feel ashamed of in the future?" It is absolutely a problem to hear about a girl doing what you said (and, because everyone keeps forgetting, those things are not solo endeavors, yet the boys in question never get shamed - not by themselves or anyone else) for an adult to say "she sounds like a slut and I don't want you hanging out with her."

I am not sure what planet you are on when boys are not "shamed".

I will absolutely say to my children. I don't want you hanging out with Jane or Joe if they are acting like sluts or if they are doing drugs or if they like to be a menace to society in any sort of way. I have no problem if the other child knows I have made this decision. Sure kids change, and when they do they are welcome back with open arms. But this wow Jane is just making some bad decisions right now you go be a good friend, NOT ... does not work in HS. Kids need to pick good friends and if a friends starts sleeping around or doing drugs or getting in trouble my kids will steer clear of that person. Ever hear of guilt by association, parents know... teachers know. Too bad, if you want friends stop making bad decisions.

+1. First of all, I hate the word "slut" and don't allow it at my house. It's crass and vulgar and not the language an educated person uses. My kids don't say "sucks," either BTW, for the same reason.

But what I don't get is what "slut-shaming" really is. Is it shaming the person (aka, the slut), or is it shaming the behavior (the actions taken that are considered slutty?") From what I'm reading here, there is disagreement on that.

You never shame a person.

You absolutely shame behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1. First of all, I hate the word "slut" and don't allow it at my house. It's crass and vulgar and not the language an educated person uses. My kids don't say "sucks," either BTW, for the same reason.

But what I don't get is what "slut-shaming" really is. Is it shaming the person (aka, the slut), or is it shaming the behavior (the actions taken that are considered slutty?") From what I'm reading here, there is disagreement on that.

You never shame a person.

You absolutely shame behavior.

Very succinct. Also make sure boys and girls are held to the same standard.

Slut shaming is basically looking down on women for having sex while celebrating men for their conquests. The good ol' double standard.

[Anonymous]

What does "acting like sluts" mean?

Also, while you may want your kids to steer clear of a person who does things you disapprove of, your kids might make their own decisions about this.

Giving and receiving BJs in the middle of a party while people watch.
Having a boy f blast you in Five Guys.
Having multiple sex partners in one night.

Shall I go on. These all happened this year.

No. My kids are not exactly smart on how to dump friends at this point in the small career of dealing with teens making bad decisions. But yes, as they get older they know when to stop hanging out with a person. They have seen first hand how these kids are a mess and have seen good friends get in trouble through the guilt by association.

I bet the fight at Wilson was over a boy. The stabbing at Churchill was over a boy. Kids are taking on too much too early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes because its sexist. Always the girl who gets shamed. Think about the book -- how were the guys behaving?

boys get shamed for being virgins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1. First of all, I hate the word "slut" and don't allow it at my house. It's crass and vulgar and not the language an educated person uses. My kids don't say "sucks," either BTW, for the same reason.

But what I don't get is what "slut-shaming" really is. Is it shaming the person (aka, the slut), or is it shaming the behavior (the actions taken that are considered slutty?") From what I'm reading here, there is disagreement on that.

You never shame a person.

You absolutely shame behavior.

Very succinct. Also make sure boys and girls are held to the same standard.

Slut shaming is basically looking down on women for having sex while celebrating men for their conquests. The good ol' double standard.

At least one of the PPs does not believe that the double standard exists. That boys get shamed for being sexually active too.

That was not my experience in high school 15 years ago and it is not my observation of what happens now.