What is "slut shaming" and why is it wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, guess what. I'm a mom and I think it's a very good term to describe the actions of a TEEN who has slept with multiple partners in high school.

Their are consequences to stupid behavior. Being thought less of by others is one of them.

Why? What is inherently bad about that and why is it anyone's business other than the couple involved? If one or the other of them feels dissatisfied or ashamed by the experience obviously that is bad and needs to be addressed, but otherwise what is shameful about sex? Stupid, possibly if they don't understand what they're getting into, aren't taking precautions, or aren't sure they can trust their partner, but not shameful.

Well, for one thing, we're discussing more than a "couple." OP's note specifically refers to a teen who had multiple partners in high school. For the sake of argument, we will assume that all sexual encounters that this teen took part in involved only one other person at a time, although that is probably a stretch too, because hey.. what's wrong with group sex in high school? By my math:

1+1 = 2
+ 1 = 3

+1 = 4
+1 = 5
+ 1= 6

And so on, until you decide how many people it takes to make "multiple" partners. So now we have 5, 6, 7, 10... who knows how many people all of a sudden know this person's "business?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, guess what. I'm a mom and I think it's a very good term to describe the actions of a TEEN who has slept with multiple partners in high school.

Their are consequences to stupid behavior. Being thought less of by others is one of them.

Why? What is inherently bad about that and why is it anyone's business other than the couple involved? If one or the other of them feels dissatisfied or ashamed by the experience obviously that is bad and needs to be addressed, but otherwise what is shameful about sex? Stupid, possibly if they don't understand what they're getting into, aren't taking precautions, or aren't sure they can trust their partner, but not shameful.

Well, for one thing, we're discussing more than a "couple." OP's note specifically refers to a teen who had multiple partners in high school. For the sake of argument, we will assume that all sexual encounters that this teen took part in involved only one other person at a time, although that is probably a stretch too, because hey.. what's wrong with group sex in high school? By my math:

1+1 = 2
+ 1 = 3

+1 = 4
+1 = 5
+ 1= 6

And so on, until you decide how many people it takes to make "multiple" partners. So now we have 5, 6, 7, 10... who knows how many people all of a sudden know this person's "business?"

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes bad choices. Especially teens. I think the girls and boys who are sleeping around as you described are making horrible choices. But I'm not going to get on my high horse and look down on them. There may be any number of reasons for their behavior, not the least of which may be a history of sexual abuse. I don't know them and I don't know why they're making (what I believe to be) bad choices. My kids both know my values and that I don't agree with the choices those kids are making. They're putting themselves at risk for pregnancy and STDs. But I'm not going to call them names and look down on them.

[Anonymous]

Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

I agree. But to speak of this type of teen sex as "nothing shameful," "consensual," "beautiful," and other absurd adjectives used here is equally harmful. These kids need help. Sometimes calling their behavior out for what it is can be a first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

I agree. But to speak of this type of teen sex as "nothing shameful," "consensual," "beautiful," and other absurd adjectives used here is equally harmful. These kids need help. Sometimes calling their behavior out for what it is can be a first step.

Calling out their behavior by other kids and/or their parents is "not" a good first step. That's social shaming any way you cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

I agree. But to speak of this type of teen sex as "nothing shameful," "consensual," "beautiful," and other absurd adjectives used here is equally harmful. These kids need help. Sometimes calling their behavior out for what it is can be a first step.

Calling out their behavior by other kids and/or their parents is "not" a good first step. That's social shaming any way you cut it.

Disagree. As we've seen here, part of the problem is that we can't even get societal consensus on what behavior is acceptable and what is not.

[Anonymous]

I'm an equal-opportunity judger -- I genuinely think manwhores are just as cringeworthy as sluts. Does that mean I'm excused from the slut-shaming lectures?

[Anonymous]

I think shaming of any kind is wrong if it is aimed at someone who is doing anything other than trying to impede or hurt another person. Basically if what you are doing is not harming, intended to hurt or intended to impede someone else from happiness, we have no business shaming them. Those that are trying to hurt others in those ways are worthy of shame IMO, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

Do you have teens? Because many girls are engaging in harmful sexual behavior ... boys and girls ... from all types of backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's devaluing a person, usually a woman, for sexual activity.

Ding ding ding.

[Anonymous]

I personally hope that my own kids wait until after HS to have sex. HS is just too small, gossipy and immature of an environment. And it just seems that some of the most uptight, judgemental people with the biggest hangups about sex in general started to have sex at a young age. Probably too young of an age to really enjoy what they were doing and that sort of set the course for them and their views....

Wait just a couple of years longer. That's my advice,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

Do you have teens? Because many girls are engaging in harmful sexual behavior ... boys and girls ... from all types of backgrounds.

Yes. And I work with teens. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that kids endure is often invisible to those around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls who engage in unhealthy sexual behavior have usually been subject to dysfunctional home environments, sexual or physical abuse, or other inappropriate and harmful behavior like bullying. Many girls, especially those who are really young, like 12-13, are forced into sex by older boyfriends and while they themselves may not classify it as rape, they often say it was unwanted. These are often very, very troubled young women. To slut shame them is to pile even more on them. It never helps.

Do you have teens? Because many girls are engaging in harmful sexual behavior ... boys and girls ... from all types of backgrounds.

Yes. And I work with teens. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that kids endure is often invisible to those around them.

Would you agree that teens who have been abused are also more likely to drink and use drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

People who are against "slut shaming" are not advocating promiscuity. They're saying it is wrong to devalue a person based on their sexual history. It's wrong to devalue a girl for having sex.

I totally agree that it is a problem that so many people equate sex with love, and I think it is a a problem that so many women devalue their bodies. But I don't agree that "valuing" your body equates wtih virginity. And even if a girl devalues HERSELF to the extent that she has lots and lots of sex with men who don't value her in order to gain their approval, that doesn't mean that **I** am going to participate in devaluing her by shaming her for her search for love. I would tell her I value her, no matter how many guys she has slept with.

Problem is boys and girls have no business having sex to begin with. We aren't talking about men and women here. We're talking about kids, teens, high schoolers.

This notion that women have sex just to get men to love them or to win their approval is silly. Women can have consensual sex for the pure enjoyment of it - no strings attached - just as much as the men that they are sleeping with. But this is grown up stuff. Not something for teenage kids (and minivan moms) to gossip, tease and tsk tsk about.

Would I want my child to hang out with a promiscuous teen? Well no I would not. That doesn't mean that I completely frown upon unattached adults having consensual sex without a committed relationship. I don't applaud it, but it's not my beeswax.