What is "slut shaming" and why is it wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What does "acting like sluts" mean?

Also, while you may want your kids to steer clear of a person who does things you disapprove of, your kids might make their own decisions about this.

Giving and receiving BJs in the middle of a party while people watch.
Having a boy f blast you in Five Guys.
Having multiple sex partners in one night.

Shall I go on. These all happened this year.

No. My kids are not exactly smart on how to dump friends at this point in the small career of dealing with teens making bad decisions. But yes, as they get older they know when to stop hanging out with a person. They have seen first hand how these kids are a mess and have seen good friends get in trouble through the guilt by association.

I bet the fight at Wilson was over a boy. The stabbing at Churchill was over a boy. Kids are taking on too much too early.

You don't have to be specific for my benefit. You need to be specific for your children's benefit, so that they know specifically what behaviors you disapprove of. "Acting like sluts" can mean a very wide range of behaviors.

I'm also wondering how you know about these incidents. Do your children tell you? How do they know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least one of the PPs does not believe that the double standard exists. That boys get shamed for being sexually active too.

That was not my experience in high school 15 years ago and it is not my observation of what happens now.

We're painting with a broad brush here so yes, the double standard is still around. Do some guys get shamed? Of course. Just like some girls don't.

There's a reason why brides wear white and the groom does not. It's always been this way and likely will be around for a long time to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least one of the PPs does not believe that the double standard exists. That boys get shamed for being sexually active too.

That was not my experience in high school 15 years ago and it is not my observation of what happens now.

We're painting with a broad brush here so yes, the double standard is still around. Do some guys get shamed? Of course. Just like some girls don't.

There's a reason why brides wear white and the groom does not. It's always been this way and likely will be around for a long time to come.

"It's always been this way" does not make it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least one of the PPs does not believe that the double standard exists. That boys get shamed for being sexually active too.

That was not my experience in high school 15 years ago and it is not my observation of what happens now.

We're painting with a broad brush here so yes, the double standard is still around. Do some guys get shamed? Of course. Just like some girls don't.

There's a reason why brides wear white and the groom does not. It's always been this way and likely will be around for a long time to come.

"It's always been this way" does not make it right.

I'm not saying that at all. Just reiterating that "slut shaming" is basically a newfangled term for an age-old problem.

Then again, if I have to pay a handsome dowry to your father, I expect to be the first man to enjoy his new property.

j/k

(sort of)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least one of the PPs does not believe that the double standard exists. That boys get shamed for being sexually active too.

That was not my experience in high school 15 years ago and it is not my observation of what happens now.

We're painting with a broad brush here so yes, the double standard is still around. Do some guys get shamed? Of course. Just like some girls don't.

There's a reason why brides wear white and the groom does not. It's always been this way and likely will be around for a long time to come.

It hasn't always been this way that brides wear white.

Actually it also hasn't always been this way that brides were expected to be virgins until marriage. It was often perfectly fine for an unmarried young woman to have sex with her young man, as long as her young man married her once she got pregnant. Of course, if he didn't marry her, then he went on with life and she was shamed and ostracized...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It hasn't always been this way that brides wear white.

I know that- I'm saying the tradition now of wearing white symbolizes the bride's purity. Nobody cares about the groom's purity.

The double standard is what's always been around. I think we're pretty close in opinion on the subject and we're derailing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1. First of all, I hate the word "slut" and don't allow it at my house. It's crass and vulgar and not the language an educated person uses. My kids don't say "sucks," either BTW, for the same reason.

But what I don't get is what "slut-shaming" really is. Is it shaming the person (aka, the slut), or is it shaming the behavior (the actions taken that are considered slutty?") From what I'm reading here, there is disagreement on that.

You never shame a person.

You absolutely shame behavior.

Very succinct. Also make sure boys and girls are held to the same standard.

Slut shaming is basically looking down on women for having sex while celebrating men for their conquests. The good ol' double standard.

If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

I don't think parents have celebrated HS boys' conquests but other boys certainly do. Girls traditionally have faced pressure from the other direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What does "acting like sluts" mean?

Also, while you may want your kids to steer clear of a person who does things you disapprove of, your kids might make their own decisions about this.

Giving and receiving BJs in the middle of a party while people watch.
Having a boy f blast you in Five Guys.
Having multiple sex partners in one night.

Shall I go on. These all happened this year.

No. My kids are not exactly smart on how to dump friends at this point in the small career of dealing with teens making bad decisions. But yes, as they get older they know when to stop hanging out with a person. They have seen first hand how these kids are a mess and have seen good friends get in trouble through the guilt by association.

I bet the fight at Wilson was over a boy. The stabbing at Churchill was over a boy. Kids are taking on too much too early.

You don't have to be specific for my benefit. You need to be specific for your children's benefit, so that they know specifically what behaviors you disapprove of. "Acting like sluts" can mean a very wide range of behaviors.

I'm also wondering how you know about these incidents. Do your children tell you? How do they know?

I have 1 child that tell me everything, one tells me nothing. My H works with teens so... I have eyes wide open when it comes to what really goes on.

Well, they know because they were there. Of course, they are not "there" or where ever these specific kids are anymore. But a lot changes from 8th-11th. Lot of friends to avoid, stop spending time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

I don't think parents have celebrated HS boys' conquests but other boys certainly do. Girls traditionally have faced pressure from the other direction.

And in my dream world, that is what needs to change. This is why I am teaching my 3 boys (one pre-teen, others still elementary) from the get-go to respect women and girls as people and human beings. You don't use other people for your own gratification or to improve your popularity status among your friends. You feel sympathy for other young people who may be so lost or confused or desperate to impress that they will do anything to impress a boy... or "the boys." That is a sign of weakness, not strength. And yes, you are judged by the company you keep so while you are kind to everyone, you do not hang out with these people and you make better choices in friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

I don't think parents have celebrated HS boys' conquests but other boys certainly do. Girls traditionally have faced pressure from the other direction.

And in my dream world, that is what needs to change. This is why I am teaching my 3 boys (one pre-teen, others still elementary) from the get-go to respect women and girls as people and human beings. You don't use other people for your own gratification or to improve your popularity status among your friends. You feel sympathy for other young people who may be so lost or confused or desperate to impress that they will do anything to impress a boy... or "the boys." That is a sign of weakness, not strength. And yes, you are judged by the company you keep so while you are kind to everyone, you do not hang out with these people and you make better choices in friends.

Me too.

In addition, I say, some girls have a low self esteem and/or a bad home life and/or mental illnesses. These girls act out in ways that are obvious to everybody but nobody says anything except they are "free spirits" or "party girls". It is not okay to have casual relationships with these girls because they are fragile and they need somebody to be good to them not use them. Even if they are consenting and adults it is a bad path to embark upon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

I don't think parents have celebrated HS boys' conquests but other boys certainly do. Girls traditionally have faced pressure from the other direction.

And in my dream world, that is what needs to change. This is why I am teaching my 3 boys (one pre-teen, others still elementary) from the get-go to respect women and girls as people and human beings. You don't use other people for your own gratification or to improve your popularity status among your friends. You feel sympathy for other young people who may be so lost or confused or desperate to impress that they will do anything to impress a boy... or "the boys." That is a sign of weakness, not strength. And yes, you are judged by the company you keep so while you are kind to everyone, you do not hang out with these people and you make better choices in friends.

Me too.

In addition, I say, some girls have a low self esteem and/or a bad home life and/or mental illnesses. These girls act out in ways that are obvious to everybody but nobody says anything except they are "free spirits" or "party girls". It is not okay to have casual relationships with these girls because they are fragile and they need somebody to be good to them not use them. Even if they are consenting and adults it is a bad path to embark upon.

I hope my boys know your boys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1. First of all, I hate the word "slut" and don't allow it at my house. It's crass and vulgar and not the language an educated person uses. My kids don't say "sucks," either BTW, for the same reason.

But what I don't get is what "slut-shaming" really is. Is it shaming the person (aka, the slut), or is it shaming the behavior (the actions taken that are considered slutty?") From what I'm reading here, there is disagreement on that.

You never shame a person.

You absolutely shame behavior.

Very succinct. Also make sure boys and girls are held to the same standard.

Slut shaming is basically looking down on women for having sex while celebrating men for their conquests. The good ol' double standard.

If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

Couldn't disagree more. No one should be criticized for how much sex they have or don't have. The sex lives of others is NONE of your business. If my high school daughter is having sex with her boyfriend or with 5 guys, it's none of your business.

It's not about "celebrating." It's about people minding their own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1. First of all, I hate the word "slut" and don't allow it at my house. It's crass and vulgar and not the language an educated person uses. My kids don't say "sucks," either BTW, for the same reason.

But what I don't get is what "slut-shaming" really is. Is it shaming the person (aka, the slut), or is it shaming the behavior (the actions taken that are considered slutty?") From what I'm reading here, there is disagreement on that.

You never shame a person.

You absolutely shame behavior.

Very succinct. Also make sure boys and girls are held to the same standard.

Slut shaming is basically looking down on women for having sex while celebrating men for their conquests. The good ol' double standard.

If that is how you define it, then of course it is wrong. Here is where I think there is further confusion, if one can believe that, because this seems so obvious to me as well. ANYONE who engages in sex like this (at any age, but my god HS???) should be held accountable for these shameful actions. NO ONE should be celebrated for it in any way. Have we really gotten so far off course that we think the solution to "celebrating" boys shameful behavior is to turn around and celebrate girls when they do that?

Couldn't disagree more. No one should be criticized for how much sex they have or don't have. The sex lives of others is NONE of your business. If my high school daughter is having sex with her boyfriend or with 5 guys, it's none of your business.

It's not about "celebrating." It's about people minding their own business.

Your high school age daughter is too young to be having sex with her boyfriend, or with 5 boyfriends. If she chooses to do so, she is going to have to live with the consequences. Your just lucky that I'm teaching my kids to be kind to her, even if though they should not associate with her. Most people are saying horrible things behind her back.

[Anonymous]

whoops... "you're" just lucky. Typing on I-pad...