What is "slut shaming" and why is it wrong?

[Anonymous]

My daughter told me the other day that I was "slut shaming" for negatively commenting on a teen in a book who had slept with multiple partners in HS. Is that wrong?

[Anonymous]

It depends on what you said and the way that you said.

If you came across as harshly critical of the character (especially in a demeaning way) that would be slut shaming. If you simply expressed concern for the risky behavior of the character and the potential consequences for such behavior - not slut shaming.

[Anonymous]

Yes because its sexist. Always the girl who gets shamed. Think about the book -- how were the guys behaving?

[Anonymous]

That depends on what your negative comments were.

If your negative comments were, "I don't think it's a good idea for a person to have sex with multiple partners while in high school, because it distracts from their studies," then no, it's not slut-shaming.

If your negative comments were, "Any girl who has sex with multiple boys in high school is a tramp whom nobody could respect," then yes, it is slut-shaming, and yes, it's wrong.

[Anonymous]

IMO- it may not have been slut shaming. If you negatively commented on her behaviors and discussed the consequences of those behaviors (i.e. pregnancy, stds) and questioned her motivation for multiple partners (i.e. low self esteem) then I don't think its slut shaming. If you said she's a horrible person, then its slut shaming. If you focused only on the girl's behavior and not the boys', its slut shaming. Bear in mind that many (most, all?) teens feel they have all the answers and are always right- she may have just been picking a fight to prove you and your values are wrong.

But it sounds like a good platform to discuss your values and ask your daughter about hers.

[Anonymous]

Good question, and a very important topic. Thank you for caring enough to be willing to ask and learn about others' points of view on this. Many people wouldn't even do that much.

As I see it, "slut shaming" is feeling, thinking, saying, etc. that a female's (it's always the girl -- I'll get back to that point) personal identity and self-worth is heavily dependent on who she is sleeping with if anyone, and that having sex inherently reflects badly on her character. There can be legitimate practical reasons why you would want to suggest your DD (or DS!) should avoid having sex in high school -- safety, emotional consequences, family values saying sex is incredibly special and should be saved for situations in which it will be cherished as meaningful (i.e. waiting for a committed adult relationship, or marriage, or whatever you believe), etc. But I personally don't think one of those reasons should have to be "think of your reputation" or "you'll look really trashy". That is when it becomes slut shaming, and unfortunately slut shaming is a pervasive idea in our culture. Kids grow up with it, it's ingrained as an instinctive reaction for most people thinking about the idea of sex, and it is often seen as normal and correct. Ugh.

Why is slut shaming wrong? Loads of reasons, IMO. Among them:
I think it's pretty creepy, and usually sexist, to judge someone based on if they're having sex, or how much and with whom they are having it. Sex is a beautiful, private, good thing that should not be cheapened by gossip or made 'dirty' like that.

It's sexist because, well, it's "slut" shaming and I have never once heard that term applied to a guy. It always seems to be the girl who gets blamed and has her reputation ruined for being trashy. The kind of sexual activity that leads to slut shaming is going to involve two people at least, and if one of the people is a guy why wouldn't his actions have been equally objectionable? Note that this isn't saying we should start judging and tearing down guys who have a lot of casual sex, because I don't. I don't think that should happen at all. But if it does happen the fact that it's almost always limited to heaping judgement on the girl is a very big problem, IMO, and points to serious issues our culture has with gender.

I don't like the idea of "shaming" anyone for anything other than immoral acts (things like violence, purposeful harm to another, purposeful deceitfulness -- IMO those things are what rise to the level of shameful) and I don't view consensual sex as immoral, no matter the situation. A profoundly bad idea in some situations, yes. Shameful as long as there was consent, no. And if there was lack of consent, the ONLY person I think should feel shame from this is the one who did the violating not the one whose boundaries were ignored. Our culture has problems with this last bit, too, but that's another topic entirely.

I have a problem with the messages that "slut shaming" sends about sex. I grew up with a very strong slut shaming paradigm and value being placed on maintaining sexual purity as a young person, which did keep me a virgin through college but also gave me some serious issues surrounding sex, intimacy, relationships, and my identity as a female sexual being, that it took me a while to unpack and thoughtfully work through in my 20s.

Think about the message it is sending about how girls should define their self-worth. See the point immediately above. I have serious issues with the implicit message being sent to females any time slut shaming happens.

[Anonymous]

Well, guess what. I'm a mom and I think it's a very good term to describe the actions of a TEEN who has slept with multiple partners in high school.

Their are consequences to stupid behavior. Being thought less of by others is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, meant "there are consequences"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, guess what. I'm a mom and I think it's a very good term to describe the actions of a TEEN who has slept with multiple partners in high school.

Their are consequences to stupid behavior. Being thought less of by others is one of them.

Oh, the irony.

[Anonymous]

The problem with the "slut shaming" advocates (those that think all consensual sex is fine) is they send a message to young girls that promiscuous sex is fine. Girls often (not every single one) equate sex with love. Once they have sex, they are upset that their partner does not love them. Well, you should have had sex with them if you are going to be upset once they dump you or cheat on you. You put sex on such a low level of importance, like sharing a piece of your meal at dinner, then you want to know why they did not value you.

Also, there are men sluts. Good women will warn their friends against these male slut who often will screw with women's minds and self esteem... all while they perform consensual sex acts.

Women have devalued their bodies so much. It's a shame. Ha! Pun not intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, guess what. I'm a mom and I think it's a very good term to describe the actions of a TEEN who has slept with multiple partners in high school.

Their are consequences to stupid behavior. Being thought less of by others is one of them.

Why? What is inherently bad about that and why is it anyone's business other than the couple involved? If one or the other of them feels dissatisfied or ashamed by the experience obviously that is bad and needs to be addressed, but otherwise what is shameful about sex? Stupid, possibly if they don't understand what they're getting into, aren't taking precautions, or aren't sure they can trust their partner, but not shameful.

[Anonymous]

It's devaluing a person, usually a woman, for sexual activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good question, and a very important topic. Thank you for caring enough to be willing to ask and learn about others' points of view on this. Many people wouldn't even do that much.

As I see it, "slut shaming" is feeling, thinking, saying, etc. that a female's (it's always the girl -- I'll get back to that point) personal identity and self-worth is heavily dependent on who she is sleeping with if anyone, and that having sex inherently reflects badly on her character. There can be legitimate practical reasons why you would want to suggest your DD (or DS!) should avoid having sex in high school -- safety, emotional consequences, family values saying sex is incredibly special and should be saved for situations in which it will be cherished as meaningful (i.e. waiting for a committed adult relationship, or marriage, or whatever you believe), etc. But I personally don't think one of those reasons should have to be "think of your reputation" or "you'll look really trashy". That is when it becomes slut shaming, and unfortunately slut shaming is a pervasive idea in our culture. Kids grow up with it, it's ingrained as an instinctive reaction for most people thinking about the idea of sex, and it is often seen as normal and correct. Ugh.

Why is slut shaming wrong? Loads of reasons, IMO. Among them:
I think it's pretty creepy, and usually sexist, to judge someone based on if they're having sex, or how much and with whom they are having it. Sex is a beautiful, private, good thing that should not be cheapened by gossip or made 'dirty' like that.

It's sexist because, well, it's "slut" shaming and I have never once heard that term applied to a guy. It always seems to be the girl who gets blamed and has her reputation ruined for being trashy. The kind of sexual activity that leads to slut shaming is going to involve two people at least, and if one of the people is a guy why wouldn't his actions have been equally objectionable? Note that this isn't saying we should start judging and tearing down guys who have a lot of casual sex, because I don't. I don't think that should happen at all. But if it does happen the fact that it's almost always limited to heaping judgement on the girl is a very big problem, IMO, and points to serious issues our culture has with gender.

I don't like the idea of "shaming" anyone for anything other than immoral acts (things like violence, purposeful harm to another, purposeful deceitfulness -- IMO those things are what rise to the level of shameful) and I don't view consensual sex as immoral, no matter the situation. A profoundly bad idea in some situations, yes. Shameful as long as there was consent, no. And if there was lack of consent, the ONLY person I think should feel shame from this is the one who did the violating not the one whose boundaries were ignored. Our culture has problems with this last bit, too, but that's another topic entirely.

I have a problem with the messages that "slut shaming" sends about sex. I grew up with a very strong slut shaming paradigm and value being placed on maintaining sexual purity as a young person, which did keep me a virgin through college but also gave me some serious issues surrounding sex, intimacy, relationships, and my identity as a female sexual being, that it took me a while to unpack and thoughtfully work through in my 20s.

Think about the message it is sending about how girls should define their self-worth. See the point immediately above. I have serious issues with the implicit message being sent to females any time slut shaming happens.

Is this pulled from your gender studies senior thesis paper, circa 1987?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, guess what. I'm a mom and I think it's a very good term to describe the actions of a TEEN who has slept with multiple partners in high school.

Their are consequences to stupid behavior. Being thought less of by others is one of them.

Do you apply the same standard to boys or only to girls? That's a key point too- that (in general) sexual promiscuity by men is seen as masculine and rewarded while sexual promiscuity by women is seen as shameful and degrading.

Just throwing out a hypothetical because I'm curious about your opinion-

An 18 year old high school girl is in a committed relationship with a boy for 6 months. During her senior year, they are sexually active, use birth control, but are in a monogamous relationship. They break up. A month later, this girl starts dating another boy during the second semester. They also are sexually active, use birth control, and are in a monogamous relationship. They both graduate, continue dating over the summer, both go to different colleges. In the fall, she meets another boy at college, starts dating, and has a sexually active, monogamous relationship. Bear in mind that she is an adult and she is also a teen. She has had 3 sexual partners during this 12 month period.

- do you consider her to be a slut?
- at what point, if any, does she stop becoming a slut?
- if this narrative had been about a boy instead of a girl, would it change your opinion?

[Anonymous]

I think the key is whether you're enacting a double standard for boys and girls. Coming at this as an issue of respecting one's body and emotional health and realizing casual sex has consequences isn't slut shaming.