feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior

[Anonymous]

What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.
My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

OP why are you letting this man back into your home? Step up and take responsibility too. You are letting this happen. SAY NO!

I would go to counseling NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was my idea to throw the party and celebrate.

Why on earth? Go to the party (it was your idea!). In the future, be polite but don't initiate.

Exactly, OP is sounding desperately needy of approval.

[Anonymous]

PP here...and screw the invitations. I cannot believe thats your #1 concern.

Your FIL is a crazy drunk I cannot fathom you letting him into your home. This is just insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

Unless your husband is on the same page there's not much you can do unless you are willing to make a huge scene and make the situation worse..

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ others, you have a husband problem. Maybe marriage counseling? I would tell your husband or MIL that they can reimburse you for the $500 invitations and your time. I would drop every bit of the planning for the party from now on. I would tell DH to have in-laws stay at a hotel this weekend. After the incidient w/ your FIL I would think they would understand, my gosh! Sorry, don't be a doormat. Don't let these people or your DH walk all over you. IL's don't respect you and here you are trying to plan a party for them. I would leave all the gift giving, party planning, etc. in the future to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

OP, you and your kids need you to stand up to your DH RIGHT NOW. It is completely unacceptable to have a drunk man pee in front of children. Of course the children were scared. This is completely unacceptable. (My dad was an alcoholic and I loved him dearly, but he would NEVER be staying overnight in my home if he had ever acted like this.)

FIRST, you need to tell your DH that under no circumstances will his parents be staying with you this weekend. If your MIL asks, you simply say, "Last time you stayed over here, FIL went to the basement, unfastened his pants, and peed in front of the children. You and FIL will be staying at a hotel in the future."

SECOND, I recommend that you write your MIL a snail mail letter to let her know how you feel. Keep it simple. "Dear Mrs. Smith, I am very hurt and disappointed that you chose to order invitations from a local printer after you know that I had put many hours of work and over $500 into ordering custom invitations. You approved the invitations before I ordered them. I had considered them a gift to you. Since you are not using them, I would appreciate it if you would reimburse me for the $517.97 that I paid to order them after your final approval. It is very frustrating to have spent so much time on a project, with your cooperation and encouragement, only to find out from DH that it was a complete waste of my time. Thank you for your consideration in reimbursing us for this expense."

THIRD, you know your MIL is a POS. Please let go of the need for her approval or cooperation or anything. She will never like you, and that is a GOOD thing. Keep as much emotional distance from her as possible. Stop doing nice things for her. Seriously, stop. You keep putting your head into an emotional buzzsaw and wondering why it hurts afterward. You can't control her. Just stop stop stop trying to get her to be someone she is not. She is horrible. You are not. Let her go.

FOURTH, I suggest individual counseling for you. If your DH would be open to it, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he sees how bad his family is. For now, work on how to draw better boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

OP, you and your kids need you to stand up to your DH RIGHT NOW. It is completely unacceptable to have a drunk man pee in front of children. Of course the children were scared. This is completely unacceptable. (My dad was an alcoholic and I loved him dearly, but he would NEVER be staying overnight in my home if he had ever acted like this.)

FIRST, you need to tell your DH that under no circumstances will his parents be staying with you this weekend. If your MIL asks, you simply say, "Last time you stayed over here, FIL went to the basement, unfastened his pants, and peed in front of the children. You and FIL will be staying at a hotel in the future."

SECOND, I recommend that you write your MIL a snail mail letter to let her know how you feel. Keep it simple. "Dear Mrs. Smith, I am very hurt and disappointed that you chose to order invitations from a local printer after you know that I had put many hours of work and over $500 into ordering custom invitations. You approved the invitations before I ordered them. I had considered them a gift to you. Since you are not using them, I would appreciate it if you would reimburse me for the $517.97 that I paid to order them after your final approval. It is very frustrating to have spent so much time on a project, with your cooperation and encouragement, only to find out from DH that it was a complete waste of my time. Thank you for your consideration in reimbursing us for this expense."

THIRD, you know your MIL is a POS. Please let go of the need for her approval or cooperation or anything. She will never like you, and that is a GOOD thing. Keep as much emotional distance from her as possible. Stop doing nice things for her. Seriously, stop. You keep putting your head into an emotional buzzsaw and wondering why it hurts afterward. You can't control her. Just stop stop stop trying to get her to be someone she is not. She is horrible. You are not. Let her go.

FOURTH, I suggest individual counseling for you. If your DH would be open to it, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he sees how bad his family is. For now, work on how to draw better boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

This is the exact behavior the mil is hoping for. Don't do any of this. Simply ignore the MIL. Seriously. Sounds like she's a miserable person and a pain. Just pretend she doesn't exist and enjoy your life. I wouldn't even mention the party or invitations. The MIL seems to shoot herself in the foot. You should have learned an important lesson, which is you shouldn't do nice things for her or go out of your way. So now you won't going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from a big Irish Catholic family. We have our share of functioning alcoholics but we've all gone to therapy. My husband is exactly as 11:55 describes. He thinks he is Mr. Mom. My dad is an amazing father. Managing partner in a law firm, always at all of our school events and home with us every night, adoring and devoted to my mom throughout multiple types of cancer. My husband is a "nice guy" but I realize that there is a reason he was single. His behavior is so appaling to me I really am dreading going home.

They are staying at our house all week. I really do not feel like hosting them. They are critical and negative and I am looking forward to my son's party.

My husband really needs therapy. He and his family think since his dad went to outpatient rehad he is "cured". I have offered to go to Al-Anon with him and he refused. I have gone to therapy since being a teenager. My husband did premarital counseling for our respective churches but that is it.

Do not host them, then, OP. Do not. Go home tonight and say, "It will no longer be possible for you to stay with us in our home. I recommend _______ hotel and would be happy to help you make reservations."

She will hate you for it, but she already hates you and she's already a horrible person. You haven't been to enough therapy if you have no idea how to draw boundaries with this person. Stop being so passive. Your DH is not willing to step up and protect your family from his parents' dysfunction. So it's your job. It sucks and you will be the bad guy to them, but you need to step up. Your kids don't deserve this. Stop it now. Get them out of your house. YOU are the mom. It's your home, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she American or from another culture? Not that it excuses anything; I am just curious.

I would tell your husband that he's got issues that need to be worked out with you and his mother. His behavior is unacceptable, manipulative text 'apologies' not withstanding. The problem is that he's not likely to change, so you should put your foot down and not engage with this nonsense any longer. Let him deal with it next time. Maybe he will realize the crazy if it's his problem instead of yours.

WOW! I read the post and thought it has to be a White American person, because only they can be so insensitive. I am amused that you thought it was not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

Why do you need to ask us this? Of course they should not be at your house. Tell them that they are welcome to come to the party, but you will need them to stay at a hotel. Give them a hotel recommendation. Do not expect your DH to do this -- it would be best if he would, but he is really, really, really far away from being functional as a parent who is the child of an alcoholic. He let his alcoholic dad pee in front of his kid and did not immediately kick him out of the house. He is not functional and so you must be. Tell them they cannot stay. Take the blowback from your DH and your IL's. This is what you do as a parent who is halfway emotionally functional. You protect your kids from people who are not. Then get yourself back into therapy, STAT. Why were you seeking this woman's approval? Why do you lack a backbone even still? You need to figure this stuff out. Don't put it all on your DH; you are being a doormat, too. This is YOUR home and your kids' home and you get to say DRUNKEN PEOPLE AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE PEOPLE MAY NOT STAY HERE OVERNIGHT. It's a simple thing. Do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she American or from another culture? Not that it excuses anything; I am just curious.

I would tell your husband that he's got issues that need to be worked out with you and his mother. His behavior is unacceptable, manipulative text 'apologies' not withstanding. The problem is that he's not likely to change, so you should put your foot down and not engage with this nonsense any longer. Let him deal with it next time. Maybe he will realize the crazy if it's his problem instead of yours.

WOW! I read the post and thought it has to be a White American person, because only they can be so insensitive. I am amused that you thought it was not!

Seriously? I have lots of MIL stories from non-American friends that easily rival this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

OP, you and your kids need you to stand up to your DH RIGHT NOW. It is completely unacceptable to have a drunk man pee in front of children. Of course the children were scared. This is completely unacceptable. (My dad was an alcoholic and I loved him dearly, but he would NEVER be staying overnight in my home if he had ever acted like this.)

FIRST, you need to tell your DH that under no circumstances will his parents be staying with you this weekend. If your MIL asks, you simply say, "Last time you stayed over here, FIL went to the basement, unfastened his pants, and peed in front of the children. You and FIL will be staying at a hotel in the future."

SECOND, I recommend that you write your MIL a snail mail letter to let her know how you feel. Keep it simple. "Dear Mrs. Smith, I am very hurt and disappointed that you chose to order invitations from a local printer after you know that I had put many hours of work and over $500 into ordering custom invitations. You approved the invitations before I ordered them. I had considered them a gift to you. Since you are not using them, I would appreciate it if you would reimburse me for the $517.97 that I paid to order them after your final approval. It is very frustrating to have spent so much time on a project, with your cooperation and encouragement, only to find out from DH that it was a complete waste of my time. Thank you for your consideration in reimbursing us for this expense."

THIRD, you know your MIL is a POS. Please let go of the need for her approval or cooperation or anything. She will never like you, and that is a GOOD thing. Keep as much emotional distance from her as possible. Stop doing nice things for her. Seriously, stop. You keep putting your head into an emotional buzzsaw and wondering why it hurts afterward. You can't control her. Just stop stop stop trying to get her to be someone she is not. She is horrible. You are not. Let her go.

FOURTH, I suggest individual counseling for you. If your DH would be open to it, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like he is in a place where he sees how bad his family is. For now, work on how to draw better boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

I wrote this above, OP, but I take it back. I would do 1, 3, and 4, but skip step 2. Nothing is to be gained by #2. And you set yourself up to expect a decent response from her, which you won't get. But I stick with 1, 3, and 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What should I do about this weekend and my son's birthday? I really don't want these people at my house.

You disinvite them, of course.

You can't have an alcoholic in your home.
And MIL has shown that she is unworthy of being invited.

And if your husband dares to say anything after what happened, you can just offer to throw his stuff out too.

Put your foot down, OP. It's your choice. War now or war later. You might just as well make your point now, that way they have a small chance of getting over it before they pass away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH and MIL and the family dynamic sound similar to mine. Mine are not "southern" or "old school" but they've got the "narcissistic mom" and the "child of an alcoholic father" pattern down to a T.

Here's what you've done wrong here: you've made it YOUR problem. You CARED. You cannot do this. It is what it is, it was like that before you came along, and it will be like that forever. You have to let it happen and just not involve yourself in it at all. MIL wants you to help with invites? Take a step back, b/c she's going to start playing some games. She is playing you b/c you are a normal person and you care. Really, you just have to live your life and control what you can control (your life, your children's life, your home, your relationship with your DH) and let all that other drama exist on some other plane out to the side, and don't any of it intermingle with any of the stuff you are in control of. Be as nice and as noncommittal as possible. It's tough, but eventually you get better at it. Even when my MIL compliments me now, I just say, "Thank you," and don't get pulled into her drama. She just uses it b/c the next time, she'll whiplash you with something mean or underhanded. Sorry, but that's just the way she is.

I totally agree - but it's not just the MIL. Even if OP disengages from her MIL, she is still married to her husband, their son. Unless her DH gets some serious help, he's not going to be able to cope being in the middle (which is what his mother will do) or support his wife up when his mother starts attacking. He needs to learn that growing up in an alcoholic home means you don't know how to cope with everyday stressors or conflict or have healthy relationships. They are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship, and they are sucking OP in. Because she is taking this on, they will bring her down with them. OP's DH needs to draw some boundaries with his parents now. It's a losing battle unless the DH gets on board.