feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior

[Anonymous]

My mother in law is celebrating her 70th birthday and 40th wedding anniversary next month. My husband asked me to hire a special graphic design firm and party planning company to design a custom invitation and theme concept for the party. We had used the designed for my son's baptism and our wedding invitations and my mother-in-law had mentioned to my husband how amazing the invitations were and how she would like to use their design services in the future. I spent several weeks working with a designer to incorporate my mother-in-law's very specific tastes into the invitations. I had to pay a rush fee as she got involved in the party planning and started changing the venue, caterer, tone of the event, etc. My husband and I had her approval of the proofs. She had a really complicated concept and the invitations turned out beautifully. She asked us to order 75, including custom envelope liners, colored envelopes and addressed return envelopes. This morning on the walk to work, my husband announces to me that his mom has chosen to go with an order from the book paper goods store in her hometown. This is after I've shelled out a $75 design fee, $125 rush fee and $4/invitation, meaning I've spent $500. Now they are not even going to be used! Needless to say, I was very hurt. I felt so small and like my feelings were not valued. My MIL decided she wanted something "more whimsical" (she is the most stick in the mud, formal and old school, as in 1950s person I've ever met) and wanted to go a different direction. I have an infant son, a full time job and an in progress rehab house. $500 is a lot of money to me! Especially for invites that are not going to be used, not to mention my professional relationship with the design firm.

The invitations were beautiful. High quality linen paper, letterpress, custom floral liners (my MIL is a master gardner) with a signature motif. We had also designed party swag (napkins, decorations, paper products) to be ordered this week after the RSVPs came in.

My husband is the eager to please son who has spent his entire life trying to get approval from his mom. His dad is a drunk--something I just found out about this year after being in a relationship with my husband for 8 years and married to him for five-- and his mom is a total B. She is a racist, narcissist big fish in a small pond who thinks she is the world's gift. I call her formal title and last name (husband too). She insists on being adddressed even on informal correspondence like a Christmas present or thank you note as "Mrs. Husband's Full Name" rather than her own name or an informal name. For example, when I send something to my grandma or parents I just write their first and last names. I've tried to be a good daughter in law and respectful of them, even though they have serious issues and treat me poorly. It was my idea to throw the party and celebrate.

I was trying to do something nice for her and she goes around and does this. My husband is no better and I am livid. It is a big week in our family and I feel like he has ruined it by dropping this bombshell on me. He is a really cheap person normally except when his mom is concerned. I was so hurt and crushed. I can't believe they would ask me to spend time on the design and revision process, work with the designer, etc, just to not use the invites and order other ones.

My husband and I got into a big fight and I spent the morning in tears. Our in laws will be at our house this week for my son's birthday weekend and I really am dreading their visit and this just made it worse. I've sucked up my feelings for my husband and son's sake--I want them to have a good relationship with their family. However I'm sick of being treated like a third class citizen by these jerks--including my husband. Last time they were in town, my drunk FIL peed all over my basement carpet in front of a house full of guest and my MIL rolled on the floor putting her legs behind her head in a yoga pose for my parents, called my parents "new money", used a racial slur multiple times to describe people, commented on our decor, landscaping and family, called my relatives "fat" since they took a cab home to the hotel rather than walk the half mile.

My parents can't stand them and are staying at a hotel in our neighborhood. I felt like it was a lot of pressure to host guests while also hosting the party, but didn't say anything. They are extremely wealthy so money is not an issue as far as getting a hotel. My "new money" parents always stay at a hotel in our neighborhood as there are several within walking distance.

If you were me, what would you do? I don't think I am strong enough to call my mother in law and tell her how hurt I am. My husband called her and told her and she said she felt a lot of pressure and got the other invites in three days. What a B! I mean, who does that?

I thought about drafting her an email just telling her how I felt really hurt especially since it was expensive and she had approved the design (and come up with the concept in the first place). The B doesn't use email or a cell phone. She doesn't even know how to.

I honestly don't feel like interacting with her this weekend or going to her party. I won't keep my son or husband from attending, but I'm respectfully decline.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Wow. That's awful. I can't believe your husband was ok with this. I would give her the invitations you bought and be done with the whole affair.

[Anonymous]

OP. Once an adults pees on my floor they are immediately banned from my home. This sounds awful.

I think your husband is a mama's boy which is unacceptable at this point. Your ILs are just terrible people. You writing a note is not going to change this. Tell your husband to stop catering to his mother and tell her she needs to apologize to you for wasting your time and money. He also needs to tell them that they need to stay in a hotel b/c of their behavior last time.

I agree, unless something changes don't go to the party. It sounds like they won't miss you and your new money ways. Of course we all know the PC thing to do is suck it up and go but I think you've been putting up with a lot.

I might not even respectfully decline b/c I am sure you will get flack for it. I would just fall very "sick" the night of the party and have to miss it. No one has to know that you are simply "sick" of all the BS.

Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for being the first person all day to make me feel like I am not crazy. I feel so incredibly hurt. And I think it's because my husband is okay with all of this. My husband is VERY frugal except when it comes to his mother. She pulled this same stuff when we got married. My mom asked all of us to come up with an invitation list. My parents and I submitted a list of 20 invites or 40 people, my husband, 10. My mother in law gave us a list of 125 people. Mind you our venue only held 125! My mom pointed out that she had listed every neighbor on her cul de sac. Every neighbor. It was crazy. She wanted to invite every person she knew.

I'm very hurt by my husband's actions. He sent me a text apology with a picture of our son's ultrasound, birth photo and a picture of us at the park this weekend. I felt like this was incredibly manipulative. My husband is the "nice guy" everyone thinks is great. I feel like he is always putting his mom first since she is so inconsiderate and he is seeking approval from her constantly. What would you do as far as me with my husband? That hurts worse than his inconsiderate mom.

[Anonymous]

I would be demanding marriage counseling at this point.

Folks who act like your ILs shouldn't be staying at your house--let alone have $500 spent on invitations for them.

You take a break from them, as much as you can. Minimal interaction, no more involvement in this party, possibly insist on a hotel for this upcoming visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was my idea to throw the party and celebrate.

Why on earth? Go to the party (it was your idea!). In the future, be polite but don't initiate.

[Anonymous]

thanks 10:44. I have the same issue. My FIL peed on the brand new carpet in my basement in front of my 7 year old cousin and her 3 year old brother. It scared them as they were playing in our playroom and he came downstairs, out of his mind drunk and started rummaging through snacks in the back storage room then unfastened his belt and pants. They were scared he was going to harm them.

My in laws are extremely judgemental so if someone else pulled this stuff they would keep talking about it.

My in laws live out of state so I don't know how I get feign illness for their party.

I can't stop crying this morning. I think that my husband was totally okay with throwing away $500 plus really irked me as well as how he always puts his mom, no matter how poorly behaved she acts first.

[Anonymous]

Is she American or from another culture? Not that it excuses anything; I am just curious.

I would tell your husband that he's got issues that need to be worked out with you and his mother. His behavior is unacceptable, manipulative text 'apologies' not withstanding. The problem is that he's not likely to change, so you should put your foot down and not engage with this nonsense any longer. Let him deal with it next time. Maybe he will realize the crazy if it's his problem instead of yours.

[Anonymous]

About the party: my MIL is an only child and has no living relatives except my husband and son and her daughter and grandsons. I am from a big family and love to celebrate milestones. though my MIL is an awful person, I felt like it would be a nice thing to do. We threw my parents 60th birthday parties and anniversary parties for their 35th wedding anniversary.

[Anonymous]

She is American, from the South. WASPy, thinks the Civil War recently happened. Calls me a Yankee.

[Anonymous]

Take everything you purchased, put it in a box and mail it to her with a note saying, "You had asked for my help in designing this so I wanted to make sure you had them. I think they're beautiful." And that's it. You do need to attend the party but don't do anything else to assist with it.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. You husband *should* realize that his primary duty is now to his nuclear family, you and your son, and not his mother. The only reason this woman has continued to behave this way is that she has been enabled! I don't often recommend counseling but this time if he is willing, you should definitely go together to a therapist to help your husband draw boundaries with his mother. It will take years probably, unless you decide to divorce first. Don't quit your job!

Immediately, I would tell your husband this is the LAST STRAW. That you are incredibly unhappy with his inability to support you and see that his mother has used you outrageously.
And most importantly, tell him that you will not EVER lift a finger for this woman. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

Do not cry or get emotional. Husbands usually have difficulty dealing with that. Stay very calm and authoritative. Announce your rules to deal with your MIL and abide by them. You also get a say in whether your ILs are invited to YOUR house or not. If she misbehaves, you can tell your husband that she is not welcome anymore. Your MIL will soon see that you are not the doormat she thought you were, and will pressure your husband to side with her. Stay strong, you are in the right.

[Anonymous]

Ok. Wow. First, yes, this stinks. But secondly, you're a little too wrapped up in the drama yourself.

Yes, your MIL is a bitch of the highest order, but like your husband (and likely because of your husband!), you're getting sucked into the "trying to please her" mode.

This should be a "can you believe the shit my MIL pulled this time" kind of reaction, not crying all morning reaction.

This is tough love: You need to grow a spine. As a PP said, take the invites, box them up, mail them to her.

And then disengage. Do not get sucked into the crazy. Your parents are actually a pretty good model for you. They think she is ridiculous, don't they? So work on strengthening your core values - your MIL is ridiculous. You put up with a certain level of that ridiculousness because she is your child's grandmother and husband's mother. But don't take it personally.

Feel sorry for her - how crazily insecure she must be. How horrifically embarrassed she must be by her husband's behavior, losing control of himself in your house. So she reacts by deflecting attention and making everyone else wrong. That is her coping mechanism.

Just rise above. Detach. Don't get sucked in emotionally. EVERYONE knows she is ridiculous. A ridiculous person has no power over you.

Now, as to your husband - sit back and watch this carefully. I agree, texting you these pictures is incredibly emotionally manipulative. But that's his coping mechanism with his crazy family. If he is unable to be a man of his own family (you, your child, and him), and separate himself from his family of origin, then yes, I would say your only hope is counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. Wow. First, yes, this stinks. But secondly, you're a little too wrapped up in the drama yourself.

Yes, your MIL is a bitch of the highest order, but like your husband (and likely because of your husband!), you're getting sucked into the "trying to please her" mode.

This should be a "can you believe the shit my MIL pulled this time" kind of reaction, not crying all morning reaction.

This is tough love: You need to grow a spine. As a PP said, take the invites, box them up, mail them to her.

And then disengage. Do not get sucked into the crazy. Your parents are actually a pretty good model for you. They think she is ridiculous, don't they? So work on strengthening your core values - your MIL is ridiculous. You put up with a certain level of that ridiculousness because she is your child's grandmother and husband's mother. But don't take it personally.

Feel sorry for her - how crazily insecure she must be. How horrifically embarrassed she must be by her husband's behavior, losing control of himself in your house. So she reacts by deflecting attention and making everyone else wrong. That is her coping mechanism.

Just rise above. Detach. Don't get sucked in emotionally. EVERYONE knows she is ridiculous. A ridiculous person has no power over you.

Now, as to your husband - sit back and watch this carefully. I agree, texting you these pictures is incredibly emotionally manipulative. But that's his coping mechanism with his crazy family. If he is unable to be a man of his own family (you, your child, and him), and separate himself from his family of origin, then yes, I would say your only hope is counseling.

My ex had similar issues with his crazy parents (one alcoholic and one enabler), and my MIL was seriously awful to me on several occasions, while ex was in the room. He did nothing. He was incapable of doing anything. He literally sat there while his mother ripped me a new one over nothing. And in front of our young DD. Get counseling, and hopefully he will dial in and realize that YOU and your children are his primary family now, not his parents. If he can't step up, then get ready for a rocky ride. My marriage could not survive, and ex never had the guts to do the hard emotional work it takes to heal from his childhood, or the strength to set boundaries with his parents. It was easier to bail out on his wife and kids. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Another tragic case of DCUM Doormat Syndrome.