feeling hurt about husband and mother-in-law's behavior

[Anonymous]

Typical behavior for the child of an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Agree that what she did stinks and it's unfortunate that your DH is incapable of seeing that.

I would be gracious, happy to see them, polite, and never mention the invitation thing again. And never go out of your way to do anything for her again, either.

If you want to be somewhat catty, give her the box of unused invitations - and the bill for reimbursement to you.

But, I would just let it go, lesson learned. Take advantage of me once, shame on you, take advantage of me twice....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for being the first person all day to make me feel like I am not crazy. I feel so incredibly hurt. And I think it's because my husband is okay with all of this. My husband is VERY frugal except when it comes to his mother. She pulled this same stuff when we got married. My mom asked all of us to come up with an invitation list. My parents and I submitted a list of 20 invites or 40 people, my husband, 10. My mother in law gave us a list of 125 people. Mind you our venue only held 125! My mom pointed out that she had listed every neighbor on her cul de sac. Every neighbor. It was crazy. She wanted to invite every person she knew.

I'm very hurt by my husband's actions. He sent me a text apology with a picture of our son's ultrasound, birth photo and a picture of us at the park this weekend. I felt like this was incredibly manipulative. My husband is the "nice guy" everyone thinks is great. I feel like he is always putting his mom first since she is so inconsiderate and he is seeking approval from her constantly. What would you do as far as me with my husband? That hurts worse than his inconsiderate mom.

That's ridiculous and incredibly manipulative. "Look, I'm a good daddy!" This has literally zero to do with your son. Given that he was raised by an alcoholic father, he probably thinks he's doing a bang up job in comparison. He clearly needs some counseling on his own.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband he owes you. $500.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is American, from the South. WASPy, thinks the Civil War recently happened. Calls me a Yankee.

I think you're full of shit and making up half if not all of this story. You have a husband problem, you are a wanna be Princess and from what little you wrote, you seem to be a bossy bitch.

Sometimes in life you get what you put out. I have a feeling you are jealous of your MIL, think you are better and are upset your husband doesn't lick your shoes.

I actually feel sorry for your husband. He must be a miserable whipped man.

You seriously need to get some manners.

[Anonymous]

I am from a big Irish Catholic family. We have our share of functioning alcoholics but we've all gone to therapy. My husband is exactly as 11:55 describes. He thinks he is Mr. Mom. My dad is an amazing father. Managing partner in a law firm, always at all of our school events and home with us every night, adoring and devoted to my mom throughout multiple types of cancer. My husband is a "nice guy" but I realize that there is a reason he was single. His behavior is so appaling to me I really am dreading going home.

They are staying at our house all week. I really do not feel like hosting them. They are critical and negative and I am looking forward to my son's party.

My husband really needs therapy. He and his family think since his dad went to outpatient rehad he is "cured". I have offered to go to Al-Anon with him and he refused. I have gone to therapy since being a teenager. My husband did premarital counseling for our respective churches but that is it.

[Anonymous]

You are not crazy. She is a narcissist. This is what narcissists DO. They manipulate situations to make you jump and then they pull the rug out from under you. Your husband is an enabler. He probably doesn't know how not to do it.

If you want an eye opening experience, read "Raised by Narcissists" and "Life after Narcissism" on reddit.com See how many of your MIL's behaviors you can spot. A bunch, I bet.

You need to figure out how to be as low contact with this poisonous woman as possible and how to defend yourself when she is around. She isn't going to be nice to you. Ever. She is a jerk.

I find smiling, nodding, and listening for my name and polite, but noncommittal replies are always the best responses to narcissists. Volunteer for nothing. Avoid them as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is American, from the South. WASPy, thinks the Civil War recently happened. Calls me a Yankee.

I think you're full of shit and making up half if not all of this story. You have a husband problem, you are a wanna be Princess and from what little you wrote, you seem to be a bossy bitch.

Sometimes in life you get what you put out. I have a feeling you are jealous of your MIL, think you are better and are upset your husband doesn't lick your shoes.

I actually feel sorry for your husband. He must be a miserable whipped man.

You seriously need to get some manners.

Oops. Forgot your meds this morning.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH and MIL and the family dynamic sound similar to mine. Mine are not "southern" or "old school" but they've got the "narcissistic mom" and the "child of an alcoholic father" pattern down to a T.

Here's what you've done wrong here: you've made it YOUR problem. You CARED. You cannot do this. It is what it is, it was like that before you came along, and it will be like that forever. You have to let it happen and just not involve yourself in it at all. MIL wants you to help with invites? Take a step back, b/c she's going to start playing some games. She is playing you b/c you are a normal person and you care. Really, you just have to live your life and control what you can control (your life, your children's life, your home, your relationship with your DH) and let all that other drama exist on some other plane out to the side, and don't any of it intermingle with any of the stuff you are in control of. Be as nice and as noncommittal as possible. It's tough, but eventually you get better at it. Even when my MIL compliments me now, I just say, "Thank you," and don't get pulled into her drama. She just uses it b/c the next time, she'll whiplash you with something mean or underhanded. Sorry, but that's just the way she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is American, from the South. WASPy, thinks the Civil War recently happened. Calls me a Yankee.

I think you're full of shit and making up half if not all of this story. You have a husband problem, you are a wanna be Princess and from what little you wrote, you seem to be a bossy bitch.

Sometimes in life you get what you put out. I have a feeling you are jealous of your MIL, think you are better and are upset your husband doesn't lick your shoes.

I actually feel sorry for your husband. He must be a miserable whipped man.

You seriously need to get some manners.

Someone needs a prescription refill !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH and MIL and the family dynamic sound similar to mine. Mine are not "southern" or "old school" but they've got the "narcissistic mom" and the "child of an alcoholic father" pattern down to a T.

Here's what you've done wrong here: you've made it YOUR problem. You CARED. You cannot do this. It is what it is, it was like that before you came along, and it will be like that forever. You have to let it happen and just not involve yourself in it at all. MIL wants you to help with invites? Take a step back, b/c she's going to start playing some games. She is playing you b/c you are a normal person and you care. Really, you just have to live your life and control what you can control (your life, your children's life, your home, your relationship with your DH) and let all that other drama exist on some other plane out to the side, and don't any of it intermingle with any of the stuff you are in control of. Be as nice and as noncommittal as possible. It's tough, but eventually you get better at it. Even when my MIL compliments me now, I just say, "Thank you," and don't get pulled into her drama. She just uses it b/c the next time, she'll whiplash you with something mean or underhanded. Sorry, but that's just the way she is.

PS PP back. 12:20 said it better than I did.

[Anonymous]

God. Have you told her how you feel? When she told you the news did you tell her how you went to a lot of trouble, spent 500 dollars etc? Look just don't go to any extra effort for her going forward. You learned your lesson. I would just move past it because its not that big of a deal. Now if she wants help going forward with the party simply be nice but tell her the invitations left a bad taste in your mouth and it would be better if she found someone else to help. Yoou don't want the party to hurt your relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, really? Get a life.

[Anonymous]

We can all tell you to do this or do that, but unless your husband is willing to make some changes in how he handles his parents nothing is going to change. Nothing. Think about this. Think about how old you are and how much longer they have to live. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? If yes, start therapy, learn how to navigate and the maintain your sanity. And then stay away, let your husband handle all contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. Wow. First, yes, this stinks. But secondly, you're a little too wrapped up in the drama yourself.

Yes, your MIL is a bitch of the highest order, but like your husband (and likely because of your husband!), you're getting sucked into the "trying to please her" mode.

This should be a "can you believe the shit my MIL pulled this time" kind of reaction, not crying all morning reaction.

This is tough love: You need to grow a spine. As a PP said, take the invites, box them up, mail them to her.

And then disengage. Do not get sucked into the crazy. Your parents are actually a pretty good model for you. They think she is ridiculous, don't they? So work on strengthening your core values - your MIL is ridiculous. You put up with a certain level of that ridiculousness because she is your child's grandmother and husband's mother. But don't take it personally.

Feel sorry for her - how crazily insecure she must be. How horrifically embarrassed she must be by her husband's behavior, losing control of himself in your house. So she reacts by deflecting attention and making everyone else wrong. That is her coping mechanism.

Just rise above. Detach. Don't get sucked in emotionally. EVERYONE knows she is ridiculous. A ridiculous person has no power over you.

Now, as to your husband - sit back and watch this carefully. I agree, texting you these pictures is incredibly emotionally manipulative. But that's his coping mechanism with his crazy family. If he is unable to be a man of his own family (you, your child, and him), and separate himself from his family of origin, then yes, I would say your only hope is counseling.

No do not mail the invitations to her. Do not bother yourself or go to any more effort. I would just ignore her. If anything, throw the invitations away. If you want to be a real bitch then mail out the invitations. Ha.