I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge

[Anonymous]

You are not being mean. Why do some of you PPs think OP is being mean? She hasn't *done* anything yet.

Since your DH won't budge, you must take over the communication with the ILs from him. (I know this because my ILs consult with my DH and suddenly they are coming and I was none the wiser) You have to get your DH out of the middle because he's a shitty middle-man and won't say no to his parents

(btw many, many, nice DHs fall into this category of lame-when-dealing-with-their-parents, including my DH. Especially if your parents live nearby and theirs don't. They are dealing with the guilt of that)

So you make it so you are the one communicating with them about when they can visit next. You start spreading it out a little…they want to come (Week 4) and you say it's a bad time because of X, so let's plan on (Week 5).

Then you keep spreading it out a little.

Not ideal, but it's a step in the right direction. Then I also agree with PPs that you stop doing everything. Order out more. Don't worry about the money, consider it an investment in your marriage because it keeps you from killing your DH. If he complains about the money, tell him why you are doing it, unless he wants to do the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.

I feel for you, OP! Be thankful that they are not living nearby; it could be worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, is the issue just that they are there or that they make extra work for you? If it's the former, you probably have to suck it up, even though 4 days/month is a lot. Stay in your room more and let DH and the in laws babysit.

If it's the work, DH needs to step up. I agree that for one visit you should try to get out of town for most or all of it, to show DH how much work it entails. A weekend would definitely be best so that there is not excuse that someone has to work and can't take care of the baby.Are you a SAHM (ie without you there is no childcare) or is there daycare or a nanny? If the latter this plan will be much easier. If the former, you will need to negotiate for more work from your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another alternative is having them visit every 6 weeks instead of once a month.

Every month for 4 days is a lot.

This. Yu can't have it both ways. Apparently there are no other grand kids or lives to be lived here? I imagine this is short-lived OP, over the excitement of a grandchild. If not, you bets talk to them with or without him because this will blow up in one way or another.

Is there a happy medium of perhaps an airbnb closeby? Not under the same roof but close?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife's parents visit frequently and stay for a week at a time. It upsets our routine and I don't find them particularly interesting or warm but they are her parents and that takes precedence for me because I know having them stay with us is important for her. They also enjoy the time with their grand-kids.

She knows that I am not overly excited about the frequency of their visits but I'd never suggest they should stay in a hotel.

A relationship is sustained by giving recognition to the things that really matter to one's partner. I could put my foot down and change the pattern of their visits, making their visits less frequent or ask that they stay in a hotel ....... but it would take a toll on our relationship and that is just not worth it to me.

I agree with this. My in-laws have come twice, and stayed 4-6 months. It really bothered me both times but I wouldn't suggest they not come. I am putting up with it because I love DH and it matters to him.


4 days a month is really not a big deal. Just don't plan your lives around their visits, keep yourself busy, and don't feel obligated to cook/clean for them.

I would shoot myself. You are a great wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to catch hell on this topic OP. Most people on her think you should kiss your guest ass. I do not agree with this. Next time they come into town you go out and stay in a hotel away from them. You are in a very shitty situation. Or tell the ILs that once a month is too much every other month or they can stay in a hotel. Or start getting your family to stay with you until he feels uncomfortable.

+1

[Anonymous]

One of the sad things about this situation is that a few years from now DH will realize that this was a bad idea. It just seems to take husbands longer to understand the imposition.

[Anonymous]

As PPs have said monthly guests are not really guests.
If they helped out more would that help?

Granted I am close to and love my older brother, so it is different than your situation, but he visits twice a month. He helps with DS when he is here. He runs errands, does my costco runs and help with other household chores. Once a month I try to use the time to do something with friends or even just go to the movies alone.

If our in laws used the visits to help the family and not just to visit GC would that be better? Is that something they would do?

When you say your house is too small ,what exactly do you mean? Do you have a bedroom for them or are they sleeping in the nursery or living room? Are they sharing a bathroom with you. If any of those things are true there is no way this is sustainable on a long term basis. Even if they helped out more as I mentioned above.

What about your parents house? Any chance every other month or once every three months you and your inlaws could head out there. If it is a big place maybe that could work.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

That's way too much visiting.

[Anonymous]

Need some more details
OP do you stay at home?
What do they expect when visiting?
What do you do outside routine to get ready/clean up after them?
What do they provide when there?
What are their expectations?

[Anonymous]

I bet the OP stays home and bears the brunt of every single thing related to the visits, not just the work, but the social aspects. Her husband probably feels free to work those days and doesn't help much when he is at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet the OP stays home and bears the brunt of every single thing related to the visits, not just the work, but the social aspects. Her husband probably feels free to work those days and doesn't help much when he is at home.

If thats the case, it's time to sign up for an intensive three day workshop at the community center. Any subject will do! Just so long as it lasts at least from 9 to 5!

[Anonymous]

I pity DH thinking OP will end up taking the passive-aggressive advice on this board. But then again, he chose the bitch to marry. I hope she's hot LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs live in another state and come out to visit our baby. They have started coming out every month and it is way too much. They always stay in our house and I'm getting fed up. Our house is very small and there just isn't enough room. Plus I just don't like having houseguests for 4 nights. I'm not the biggest fan of my ILs but I can put on a fake happy face and put up with them. But I really want them to stay in a hotel. I've told DH this multiple times. I've also told him that monthly visits are a little too much, especially because they stay in the house. He simply doesn't give a fuck that I want them to stay in a hotel. He always argues that because my parents live about an hour away, they see DC more often and therefore it is totally ok that his parents come out and stay with is. Aside from directly telling the ILs that I want them to not stay with us (and cause a huge fight with DH and probably drama with the ILs because they expect to stay with us, despite the fact that they are wealthy), I don't know what I can do. I think he's being childish and I'm so frustrated!

Would you demand your own mother/father stay in a hotel as well? If not, you have no case.

Will you be willing to pay for the hotel? Four nights will run around $1,000.

[Anonymous]

Four days a month is a lot. A LOT. I would go batty. I agree with some of the other posters that they really aren't house guests at this point. Maybe you could start assigning tasks to them. I'd start talking about it on their next visit. For example, I'm thinking of starting theme nights for dinner, maybe Morrocan next month? How about you plan a meal and cook when you are here on the next visit? And, Bob's been talking about tackling the weeds in the yard for months, on the next visit can you help him get it done? Honestly, I think this will make them realize how much they are visiting.....

This is going to get old for them, the visits will taper off as the newness of the baby wears off.

It sounds like they feel like they are competing with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Consider them part of the household and treat them as such. Have them watch kids, help with chores. Ask in a friendly/inclusive manner. If they seem busy or don't want to, don't press. But don't cater/spoil them unless they are incapable of taking care of themselves.