I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge

[Anonymous]

After four year, I've finally gotten to Thai point. I still have to do the dishes though. We get take out every night. ILs sit on the couch and read or whatever. They never really interact with the kids.


PP, Do you pay for takeout every night? seems like it would get expensive really quickly!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

But about the wife's complete disregard for what her DH has stated is an issue for him? See...we could do this all day and not solve anything. TBH, this is one of those issues where OP and her DH need to compromise going in with the understanding that neither of them will get 100% of what they want. Wanting IL's to stay in a hotel is NOT a compromise.

The point I was making is everyone is putting the blame at her feet. She's not the only one involved in this and if she's stated it's an issue for her, then her husband needs to help reach a solution with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife's parents visit frequently and stay for a week at a time. It upsets our routine and I don't find them particularly interesting or warm but they are her parents and that takes precedence for me because I know having them stay with us is important for her. They also enjoy the time with their grand-kids.

She knows that I am not overly excited about the frequency of their visits but I'd never suggest they should stay in a hotel.

A relationship is sustained by giving recognition to the things that really matter to one's partner. I could put my foot down and change the pattern of their visits, making their visits less frequent or ask that they stay in a hotel ....... but it would take a toll on our relationship and that is just not worth it to me.

Yes, but she is the wife. I'm guessing your wife does the bulk of the hosting duties for the weekend. Are you as the husband the one cooking the meals, stripping their sheets, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up, OP. Suck it up. That's the appropriate, un-childish thing to do in this situation. Sorry, I can see how it's hard.

No, it is childish not to speak up with your wants and needs. Ils are visiting too often and op bears the burdens of the visit. Adults can be trainable. Op would have a better relationship with her inlaws if they weren't overwhelming her with constant visits.

Op, I would pack up and leave and take the kids when they visit. If you have to a combination of leaving and being out for the day with the kids when they come. Don't discuss it with your duh, just do it. He's a lout. As other pps have mentioned, he should be responsible for preparing for their visit, cooking, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby. The novelty will wear off soon. I think it's really nice that they are making the effort to come and see their grandchild so often. Please don't push them away for that. My kids don't have any grandparents in this country. I think you are being very mean to them and to your DH. Let them stay and do everything, and hide in your room if you can't bear it. Or make plans to go out with your friends or shopping or whatever. Better yet, try and get along with them better.

I hate this. Anytime a woman speaks up with what she wants, its MEAN. No it isn't. It's being an adult not a doormat. It is childish to put up with this.

[Anonymous]

You both are the parents of the baby, not just your DH. Dh needs to listen to you so that you can come up with a compromise. A bunch of PPs have given suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs live in another state and come out to visit our baby. They have started coming out every month and it is way too much. They always stay in our house and I'm getting fed up. Our house is very small and there just isn't enough room. Plus I just don't like having houseguests for 4 nights. I'm not the biggest fan of my ILs but I can put on a fake happy face and put up with them. But I really want them to stay in a hotel. I've told DH this multiple times. I've also told him that monthly visits are a little too much, especially because they stay in the house. He simply doesn't give a fuck that I want them to stay in a hotel. He always argues that because my parents live about an hour away, they see DC more often and therefore it is totally ok that his parents come out and stay with is. Aside from directly telling the ILs that I want them to not stay with us (and cause a huge fight with DH and probably drama with the ILs because they expect to stay with us, despite the fact that they are wealthy), I don't know what I can do. I think he's being childish and I'm so frustrated!

Would you demand your own mother/father stay in a hotel as well? If not, you have no case.

Will you be willing to pay for the hotel? Four nights will run around $1,000.

No, not the "it all has to be faaaaaair" argument. She has a case just because she wants to make a case out of this. Where are you getting this rule that she and her duh have to pay for the ils to stay at a hotel. BS!

[Anonymous]

Funny thing in my house...every time the in-laws announce they are coming, I miraculously have plans that get me out of the house for 8 hours a day on the weekend (and I work during the week).

If we invite them, our plans shift to revolve around their visit. If they invite themselves (and MIL frequently does), I escape as much as possible.

I'm sorry though Once a month for house guests sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Right...but turning them away would also be a unilateral decision and would create MORE problems than it would solve. You can win the battle but still lose the war. I agree that some sort of compromise about workload, frequency and length is in order, but my out of town parents would never be asked to stay in a hotel as a convieneience to us - so I would not ask my IL's.

But do your parents or in-laws visit for 4 days every month?

Not anymore (my kids are teens now) but when each of the kids were born, my parents visited a weekend or two every month from the second month to about the tenth month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

But about the wife's complete disregard for what her DH has stated is an issue for him? See...we could do this all day and not solve anything. TBH, this is one of those issues where OP and her DH need to compromise going in with the understanding that neither of them will get 100% of what they want. Wanting IL's to stay in a hotel is NOT a compromise.

it doesn't quite work that way, pp. You are saying the wife has complete disregard because she isn't doing exactly what DH wants as often as he wants. THe wife doesn't have complete disregard for her DH's position (parents visiting). SHe is compromising. First, by letting this go on for quite a while so far, and now, asking they stay at hotel, or not visit as much. That's compromise - NOT complete disregard.

Her DH, OTOH, is basically saying f-you. they are coming as much as they have been, staying here, end of story. That's complete disregard. See.... we can't do this all day and not solve anything.

No, what I am saying is that you can parse blame and disregard any fricking way you want and it still does not solve the problem. We can also argue until the cows come home about what a compromise would be going forward. I just think that, contrary to how a lot of people on here think, there is no "right or wrong" position here. OP is not wrong to want to limit the visits and her DH is not wrong for wanting his parents around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

But about the wife's complete disregard for what her DH has stated is an issue for him? See...we could do this all day and not solve anything. TBH, this is one of those issues where OP and her DH need to compromise going in with the understanding that neither of them will get 100% of what they want. Wanting IL's to stay in a hotel is NOT a compromise.

The point I was making is everyone is putting the blame at her feet. She's not the only one involved in this and if she's stated it's an issue for her, then her husband needs to help reach a solution with his parents.

The PP here that turned the statement around. See.. I think there really is no "blame" to be had. Both people feel the way they feel and they BOTH need to give to reach a sloution. And when people feel the need to assign blame, that is when things get adversarial for no reason. The IL's have no ill intent here - they just want to spend time with their family. My point was that some of the advice that people are doling out here is based on the blameworthiness of the parties ("Your DH is wrong" "Your IL's are wrong"). I just do not think some of the advice given will lend itself to a healthy marriage and a healthy relationship with the IL's. It will solve the immediate problem but will create others down the line. Limit the visits in frequency and length - fine. Re-allocate workload with DH - fine. Forcing DH to tell his parents that they have to stay in a hotel and cannot stay at the house - future problems on BOTH fronts.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is also that HE's not the one coming here venting and asking for advice. SHE is. So people can only comment on and give advice on what she can do/control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Right...but turning them away would also be a unilateral decision and would create MORE problems than it would solve. You can win the battle but still lose the war. I agree that some sort of compromise about workload, frequency and length is in order, but my out of town parents would never be asked to stay in a hotel as a convieneience to us - so I would not ask my IL's.

But do your parents or in-laws visit for 4 days every month?

Not anymore (my kids are teens now) but when each of the kids were born, my parents visited a weekend or two every month from the second month to about the tenth month.

To me that sounds easier to manage, given that it was weekends, but regardless, your husband was completely fine with it. Had he not been, I'm sure you would have communicated with him about reducing the frequency or whatever he needed.

In this case the OP doesn't seem to like the frequency and length of the visits, but her husband seems inflexible on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to catch hell on this topic OP. Most people on her think you should kiss your guest ass. I do not agree with this. Next time they come into town you go out and stay in a hotel away from them. You are in a very shitty situation. Or tell the ILs that once a month is too much every other month or they can stay in a hotel. Or start getting your family to stay with you until he feels uncomfortable.

\

+1. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pity DH thinking OP will end up taking the passive-aggressive advice on this board. But then again, he chose the bitch to marry. I hope she's hot LOL

Wow. What a freakish level of hostility and projection. Are you an MIL by any chance? Or a dude with parents who have no boundaries?