I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

EXACTLY!

No one is telling OP to give them the cold shoulder. Nor do I think she should sit on her @ss all day. She can be perfectly kind and leave the extra work for meal planning, preparation, cleaning, etc. to DH. The OP is not his maid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

Where did OP say this? Her OP does not say this at all. Did he come back and day this or is this people adding facts to support their position?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

Where did OP say this? Her OP does not say this at all. Did he come back and day this or is this people adding facts to support their position?

They eat 2-3 times a day. Fact. They need clean bed linens and these linens need to be laundered afterwards. Fact.
Reasonable assumptions: there is some kitchen work and clean up as well as house/bathroom clean up.

Who the hell wants that 4 nights each month in a tight space (which is mentioned in the OP)? And entertaining 2 adults on top of caring for a baby and trying to run your own household? My husband had grandiose plans for his mom to come from overseas and stay with us for several weeks around the time when the baby is born. He got so offended when I said I don't want any "help" from her. So our deal is that if he invites her he needs to take time off work for the duration of the stay and entertain her. If roles were reversed I would totally do the same and deal with my family, it's only fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "No's" have it. No from 1 spouse always trumps a yes from another. I'm sorry Op your husband doesn't understand this.

This is the real issue. I'm sorry Op. I'm actually am a big fan of the hotel for guests (if that is what the host wants) No right or wrong here. Plenty of people prefer that family stay and wouldn't want it any other way. But it is not up to the guests - at all. Hosts decide. And both spouses need to agree, or it should be a "No"

Problem is that gives all power in a marriage to the lazy, assholish, etc., spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

Where did OP say this? Her OP does not say this at all. Did he come back and day this or is this people adding facts to support their position?

They eat 2-3 times a day. Fact. They need clean bed linens and these linens need to be laundered afterwards. Fact.
Reasonable assumptions: there is some kitchen work and clean up as well as house/bathroom clean up.

Who the hell wants that 4 nights each month in a tight space (which is mentioned in the OP)? And entertaining 2 adults on top of caring for a baby and trying to run your own household? My husband had grandiose plans for his mom to come from overseas and stay with us for several weeks around the time when the baby is born. He got so offended when I said I don't want any "help" from her. So our deal is that if he invites her he needs to take time off work for the duration of the stay and entertain her. If roles were reversed I would totally do the same and deal with my family, it's only fair.

Some people thrive on drama. Ever heard of take-out, delivery? Washing machines? Are you aware that household chores may be delegated? The though of taking off work for weeks to "entertain" a relative is beyond ridiculous. What hellish families have you come from and married into that you have to "deal" with relatives and in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

Where did OP say this? Her OP does not say this at all. Did he come back and day this or is this people adding facts to support their position?

They eat 2-3 times a day. Fact. They need clean bed linens and these linens need to be laundered afterwards. Fact.
Reasonable assumptions: there is some kitchen work and clean up as well as house/bathroom clean up.

Who the hell wants that 4 nights each month in a tight space (which is mentioned in the OP)? And entertaining 2 adults on top of caring for a baby and trying to run your own household? My husband had grandiose plans for his mom to come from overseas and stay with us for several weeks around the time when the baby is born. He got so offended when I said I don't want any "help" from her. So our deal is that if he invites her he needs to take time off work for the duration of the stay and entertain her. If roles were reversed I would totally do the same and deal with my family, it's only fair.

Right....you are assuming and adding facts to support your position. Until OP confirms that this what is happening and her DH is a slacker, you are all speculating. The OP says that she does not like her IL's and that is waht is causing the stress. She has to play nice. She did NOT say that she was stuck doing all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

Where did OP say this? Her OP does not say this at all. Did he come back and day this or is this people adding facts to support their position?

They eat 2-3 times a day. Fact. They need clean bed linens and these linens need to be laundered afterwards. Fact.
Reasonable assumptions: there is some kitchen work and clean up as well as house/bathroom clean up.

Who the hell wants that 4 nights each month in a tight space (which is mentioned in the OP)? And entertaining 2 adults on top of caring for a baby and trying to run your own household? My husband had grandiose plans for his mom to come from overseas and stay with us for several weeks around the time when the baby is born. He got so offended when I said I don't want any "help" from her. So our deal is that if he invites her he needs to take time off work for the duration of the stay and entertain her. If roles were reversed I would totally do the same and deal with my family, it's only fair.

Good for you, pp! I also refused to let DH dump his parents on me while he went about his regular routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.

I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.

Getting DH to take on extra burden of work connected to parent visits and being ungracious to ILs are not the same.
You can get the DH to help and still be cordial to ILs when they show up. The problem is that everything gets dumped on OP, hence the resentment. Being a gracious work horse with an infant is taking a toll on her. Which is neither fair nor reasonable.

Where did OP say this? Her OP does not say this at all. Did he come back and day this or is this people adding facts to support their position?

They eat 2-3 times a day. Fact. They need clean bed linens and these linens need to be laundered afterwards. Fact.
Reasonable assumptions: there is some kitchen work and clean up as well as house/bathroom clean up.

Who the hell wants that 4 nights each month in a tight space (which is mentioned in the OP)? And entertaining 2 adults on top of caring for a baby and trying to run your own household? My husband had grandiose plans for his mom to come from overseas and stay with us for several weeks around the time when the baby is born. He got so offended when I said I don't want any "help" from her. So our deal is that if he invites her he needs to take time off work for the duration of the stay and entertain her. If roles were reversed I would totally do the same and deal with my family, it's only fair.

Some people thrive on drama. Ever heard of take-out, delivery? Washing machines? Are you aware that household chores may be delegated? The though of taking off work for weeks to "entertain" a relative is beyond ridiculous. What hellish families have you come from and married into that you have to "deal" with relatives and in-laws?

Obviously you don't have the family some of us do. Just be grateful and stop being so preachy.

[Anonymous]

OP - I can understand where you are coming from. My IL's live within driving distance 6 months of the year (NC- 8 hour drive). The other 6 months they are in Florida. SO- 6 months of the year - we have them visiting for a week at a time.

Things we do to make this manageable:
- My husband is responsible for meals during this timeframe. I normally prepare meals- but the stress of dealing with this with his parents and his father in particular - we eat out every night. My husband takes the lead, gathers the order and either he or his parents pick up the meal.
-Cleanliness - we have our cleaning lady come over before the parents do (usually the morning they are going to arrive). She typically comes every two weeks- we just adjust the schedule when they are coming.
-When they are here - they usually try and get us to go out for a date night- so they can get some time with the baby (he is 18 months). Sometimes we get grownup time.

My FIL insisted on being here when the baby was born. I felt like crap and was a little resentful (he does absolutely nothing to help out - he essentially sits and watched TV and plays solitaire on the computer ALL DAY- when he isn't napping). My MIL makes up for it though. I ended up having complications (Unplanned C-Section, no pain killers due to sensitivity and an allergic reaction to the chloraprep - in which I had a chemical burn over my entire torso region) Did I mention no pain killers? So- coming home to a 3-ring circus SUCKED.

We have since gotten into a groove and my husband does a fantastic job of taking the helm when they are here. Take =-out is not necessarily ideal- but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to offer up just another perspective.

I don't have family as my father and mother both passed away and I have only 1 half-sibling who's across the country. I only have 1 uncle and a couple of cousins so needless to say, my "family" is quite small. DH, on the other had, has quite the large village and I often get jealous of their closeness LOL, but they live several states away.

I'd give my right arm if my lo had extended family who wanted to see him and spend time with him and just love on him. I worry about him not having a big family and those around to support and guide him. I would love to have monthly visits of those you are closest to and share my love of lo and be able to rest my eyes for a few days knowing that lo is being fawned over and loved by big groups of hugs and kisses.

So I guess it's all in what you want/need/have/desire as the OP posting really didn't seem like something that was bad to me? But again, I guess it's all in perspective.