Emotional Affair When You Are Happily Married? Is this Possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would your husband feel about this OP? Are you having the kind of relationship where you're hiding feelings, or one where your husband is completely aware of the nature of the friendship?

Therein lies your answer. You cannot maintain a happy marriage if you are having relationships that you're concealing or that are (or would) cause harm to your spouse.

+1

You know the truth in your gut, OP. Your spouse would in no way be okay with this, and just hoping for things to eventually fizzle with this guy is a terrible plan, and won't work. It's clear you don't want to give up this OM and are trying to rationalize a way into making this kosher, but it's just not. Especially if the OM is unhappy in his marriage; you will be a barrier to them working it out, plain and simple. You need to take steps to end this relationship, or set up some very firm boundaries.

Thank you for this candid and wise advice! I wish I knew you all in real life. I just need to end this once and for all and am going to do it this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would your husband feel about this OP? Are you having the kind of relationship where you're hiding feelings, or one where your husband is completely aware of the nature of the friendship?

Therein lies your answer. You cannot maintain a happy marriage if you are having relationships that you're concealing or that are (or would) cause harm to your spouse.

+1

You know the truth in your gut, OP. Your spouse would in no way be okay with this, and just hoping for things to eventually fizzle with this guy is a terrible plan, and won't work. It's clear you don't want to give up this OM and are trying to rationalize a way into making this kosher, but it's just not. Especially if the OM is unhappy in his marriage; you will be a barrier to them working it out, plain and simple. You need to take steps to end this relationship, or set up some very firm boundaries.

Thank you for this candid and wise advice! I wish I knew you all in real life. I just need to end this once and for all and am going to do it this week.

This is for the best, OP. Take it from someone who is currently struggling with having allowed the feelings to go too far. The longer you let it continue, the more dependent you become on the OM, and the worse it gets. Don't let it get to that point. It may seem hard right now, but you will eventually be glad you put the brakes on it. I wish I had done so earlier.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

[Anonymous]

Of course. There a couple of shows about this. One is called Sister Wives and the other one escapes me. You get the point though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

FYI, I'm not the OP. I don't think this is fair, when you don't know the details of why the marriages are poor. The unhappiness in my own marriage, the lack of emotional connection to my DH, and his unwillingness to do anything about it or talk to me was a huge factor in my emotional affair. When you are starved for affection and married to someone who refuses to talk, life is extremely lonely. It's very easy to end up getting emotionally involved with someone else. It's certainly not something I planned out. I don't consider myself a loser for wanting more than what my DH was willing to give me. I think there are a lot of people who know me that wonder why I'm still with him. If I had left DH, it wouldn't have been because of the other man. It would have been because we were already on the rocks. I'd already been thinking of leaving before I developed another attachment to someone else. If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened.

What keeps me in the marriage is my daughter, but also the fact that DH has finally agreed to work on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

FYI, I'm not the OP. I don't think this is fair, when you don't know the details of why the marriages are poor. The unhappiness in my own marriage, the lack of emotional connection to my DH, and his unwillingness to do anything about it or talk to me was a huge factor in my emotional affair. When you are starved for affection and married to someone who refuses to talk, life is extremely lonely. It's very easy to end up getting emotionally involved with someone else. It's certainly not something I planned out. I don't consider myself a loser for wanting more than what my DH was willing to give me. I think there are a lot of people who know me that wonder why I'm still with him. If I had left DH, it wouldn't have been because of the other man. It would have been because we were already on the rocks. I'd already been thinking of leaving before I developed another attachment to someone else. If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened.

What keeps me in the marriage is my daughter, but also the fact that DH has finally agreed to work on things.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then leave before drifting to another man. As normal, the woman finds something new....THEN starts thinking about leaving. You can fool your friends, but the rest of us know....the other man is a reason for leaving your husband. You use all the BS of "Lack of emotional connections, unwillingness of DH, etc..." as the excuse.

And I really got a kick out of: " If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened".

LOL No. If you were a strong person who truly respected your husband, that attachment would have never happened. But you don't respect your marriage or your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

FYI, I'm not the OP. I don't think this is fair, when you don't know the details of why the marriages are poor. The unhappiness in my own marriage, the lack of emotional connection to my DH, and his unwillingness to do anything about it or talk to me was a huge factor in my emotional affair. When you are starved for affection and married to someone who refuses to talk, life is extremely lonely. It's very easy to end up getting emotionally involved with someone else. It's certainly not something I planned out. I don't consider myself a loser for wanting more than what my DH was willing to give me. I think there are a lot of people who know me that wonder why I'm still with him. If I had left DH, it wouldn't have been because of the other man. It would have been because we were already on the rocks. I'd already been thinking of leaving before I developed another attachment to someone else. If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened.

What keeps me in the marriage is my daughter, but also the fact that DH has finally agreed to work on things.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then leave before drifting to another man. As normal, the woman finds something new....THEN starts thinking about leaving. You can fool your friends, but the rest of us know....the other man is a reason for leaving your husband. You use all the BS of "Lack of emotional connections, unwillingness of DH, etc..." as the excuse.

And I really got a kick out of: " If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened".

LOL No. If you were a strong person who truly respected your husband, that attachment would have never happened. But you don't respect your marriage or your husband.

Nope. DH and I were already talking separation/divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

FYI, I'm not the OP. I don't think this is fair, when you don't know the details of why the marriages are poor. The unhappiness in my own marriage, the lack of emotional connection to my DH, and his unwillingness to do anything about it or talk to me was a huge factor in my emotional affair. When you are starved for affection and married to someone who refuses to talk, life is extremely lonely. It's very easy to end up getting emotionally involved with someone else. It's certainly not something I planned out. I don't consider myself a loser for wanting more than what my DH was willing to give me. I think there are a lot of people who know me that wonder why I'm still with him. If I had left DH, it wouldn't have been because of the other man. It would have been because we were already on the rocks. I'd already been thinking of leaving before I developed another attachment to someone else. If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened.

What keeps me in the marriage is my daughter, but also the fact that DH has finally agreed to work on things.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then leave before drifting to another man. As normal, the woman finds something new....THEN starts thinking about leaving. You can fool your friends, but the rest of us know....the other man is a reason for leaving your husband. You use all the BS of "Lack of emotional connections, unwillingness of DH, etc..." as the excuse.

And I really got a kick out of: " If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened".

LOL No. If you were a strong person who truly respected your husband, that attachment would have never happened. But you don't respect your marriage or your husband.

Nope. DH and I were already talking separation/divorce.

Then do it and stop dragging your DH along while you get your feelings massaged by some loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

FYI, I'm not the OP. I don't think this is fair, when you don't know the details of why the marriages are poor. The unhappiness in my own marriage, the lack of emotional connection to my DH, and his unwillingness to do anything about it or talk to me was a huge factor in my emotional affair. When you are starved for affection and married to someone who refuses to talk, life is extremely lonely. It's very easy to end up getting emotionally involved with someone else. It's certainly not something I planned out. I don't consider myself a loser for wanting more than what my DH was willing to give me. I think there are a lot of people who know me that wonder why I'm still with him. If I had left DH, it wouldn't have been because of the other man. It would have been because we were already on the rocks. I'd already been thinking of leaving before I developed another attachment to someone else. If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened.

What keeps me in the marriage is my daughter, but also the fact that DH has finally agreed to work on things.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then leave before drifting to another man. As normal, the woman finds something new....THEN starts thinking about leaving. You can fool your friends, but the rest of us know....the other man is a reason for leaving your husband. You use all the BS of "Lack of emotional connections, unwillingness of DH, etc..." as the excuse.

And I really got a kick out of: " If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened".

LOL No. If you were a strong person who truly respected your husband, that attachment would have never happened. But you don't respect your marriage or your husband.

Nope. DH and I were already talking separation/divorce.

Then do it and stop dragging your DH along while you get your feelings massaged by some loser.

Oh come off it!!!! You have no idea what it is like for the PP and her marriage. It pisses me off to no end that as long as a spouse is faithful, they can get away with not working at the relationship and not responding to pleas from their spouse to meet them halfway...yet the spouse who is unfulfilled by the partner's lack of motivation to make the marriage work gets all the blame for trying to glean some happiness out of life outside the marriage because the spouse refuses to meet halfway. Who is neglecting who???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh come off it!!!! You have no idea what it is like for the PP and her marriage. It pisses me off to no end that as long as a spouse is faithful, they can get away with not working at the relationship and not responding to pleas from their spouse to meet them halfway...yet the spouse who is unfulfilled by the partner's lack of motivation to make the marriage work gets all the blame for trying to glean some happiness out of life outside the marriage because the spouse refuses to meet halfway. Who is neglecting who???

If DH doesn't respond to DW's pleas to meet halfway, then DW should leave. DH may be at 'fault' for not working at his marriage, but at least he is being faithful. If he is not happy, DH should leave.

Pointing fingers and making excuses is lame. Seeking an emotional affair is selfish...period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh come off it!!!! You have no idea what it is like for the PP and her marriage. It pisses me off to no end that as long as a spouse is faithful, they can get away with not working at the relationship and not responding to pleas from their spouse to meet them halfway...yet the spouse who is unfulfilled by the partner's lack of motivation to make the marriage work gets all the blame for trying to glean some happiness out of life outside the marriage because the spouse refuses to meet halfway. Who is neglecting who???

If DH doesn't respond to DW's pleas to meet halfway, then DW should leave. DH may be at 'fault' for not working at his marriage, but at least he is being faithful. If he is not happy, DH should leave.

Pointing fingers and making excuses is lame. Seeking an emotional affair is selfish...period.

This is exactly the point I am making. At least he is faithful. What good is that if he is completely disengages from the relationship???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh come off it!!!! You have no idea what it is like for the PP and her marriage. It pisses me off to no end that as long as a spouse is faithful, they can get away with not working at the relationship and not responding to pleas from their spouse to meet them halfway...yet the spouse who is unfulfilled by the partner's lack of motivation to make the marriage work gets all the blame for trying to glean some happiness out of life outside the marriage because the spouse refuses to meet halfway. Who is neglecting who???

If DH doesn't respond to DW's pleas to meet halfway, then DW should leave. DH may be at 'fault' for not working at his marriage, but at least he is being faithful. If he is not happy, DH should leave.

Pointing fingers and making excuses is lame. Seeking an emotional affair is selfish...period.

This is exactly the point I am making. At least he is faithful. What good is that if he is completely disengages from the relationship???

It shows that he at least respects his wife.....but not his marriage.

That doesn't make it OK for her to seek attention elsewhere.

If your DH is not willing to work on the marriage, THEN LEAVE. Stop making excuses why you can't and why you need some other man in your life to make you feel good. Those are just lame excuses weak people make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh come off it!!!! You have no idea what it is like for the PP and her marriage. It pisses me off to no end that as long as a spouse is faithful, they can get away with not working at the relationship and not responding to pleas from their spouse to meet them halfway...yet the spouse who is unfulfilled by the partner's lack of motivation to make the marriage work gets all the blame for trying to glean some happiness out of life outside the marriage because the spouse refuses to meet halfway. Who is neglecting who???

If DH doesn't respond to DW's pleas to meet halfway, then DW should leave. DH may be at 'fault' for not working at his marriage, but at least he is being faithful. If he is not happy, DH should leave.

Pointing fingers and making excuses is lame. Seeking an emotional affair is selfish...period.

This is exactly the point I am making. At least he is faithful. What good is that if he is completely disengages from the relationship???

It shows that he at least respects his wife.....but not his marriage.

That doesn't make it OK for her to seek attention elsewhere.

If your DH is not willing to work on the marriage, THEN LEAVE. Stop making excuses why you can't and why you need some other man in your life to make you feel good. Those are just lame excuses weak people make.

I'm the OP. Listen, EAs are nuanced. As I said in my OP, I consider myself happily married and when you meet someone with which you share intense similarities and chemistry, it's difficult to figure it all out. Feelings and emotions are complicated and when you throw on an extra layer of an unhappy marriage, you are talking about people whose heads are probably spinning. I am cutting things off with mine, but I have someone enriching to come home to... Everyone has periods of weakness, so PP I do hope you can find some strength and figure out what will work best for you.

[Anonymous]

A "happy" marriage can mean many different things to many different people since the term "happy" is very subjective in itself.

In my opinion, if one is in a truly happy marriage meaning all of their physical and emotional needs are being met by their spouse, then there is no need whatsoever to seek out an affair for any reason.

If someone chooses to do so, then their marriage wasn't at all happy to begin with regardless of what they thought it was.

It's common sense.