Emotional Affair When You Are Happily Married? Is this Possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am having an ea with someone I met several years ago. We are in regular contact, and I believe the feelings are mutual. Our spouses are not aware of the other, or the closeness that has developed. Nothing physical yet. Both of us are in okay (or poor) marriages with kids. Absent kids, I would be gone for sure. Her spouse appears to be a loser. What I am struggling with is that part of me thinks that we would be great together. Similar outlook, values, humor, etc.

You are keeping a relationship with another woman a secret from your wife for several years and then calling that woman's husband a loser?

LOL. Dude you are a loser too.

FYI, I'm not the OP. I don't think this is fair, when you don't know the details of why the marriages are poor. The unhappiness in my own marriage, the lack of emotional connection to my DH, and his unwillingness to do anything about it or talk to me was a huge factor in my emotional affair. When you are starved for affection and married to someone who refuses to talk, life is extremely lonely. It's very easy to end up getting emotionally involved with someone else. It's certainly not something I planned out. I don't consider myself a loser for wanting more than what my DH was willing to give me. I think there are a lot of people who know me that wonder why I'm still with him. If I had left DH, it wouldn't have been because of the other man. It would have been because we were already on the rocks. I'd already been thinking of leaving before I developed another attachment to someone else. If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened.

What keeps me in the marriage is my daughter, but also the fact that DH has finally agreed to work on things.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then leave before drifting to another man. As normal, the woman finds something new....THEN starts thinking about leaving. You can fool your friends, but the rest of us know....the other man is a reason for leaving your husband. You use all the BS of "Lack of emotional connections, unwillingness of DH, etc..." as the excuse.

And I really got a kick out of: " If my marriage had been strong, the other attachment would never have happened".

LOL No. If you were a strong person who truly respected your husband, that attachment would have never happened. But you don't respect your marriage or your husband.

First of all, people develop friendships. Some of them are w people of the opposite sex. These people have no intention of cheating nor have a history of cheating. Sometimes those friendships become close. No flirting. No desire for sex. As you become closer you share more and then all of a sudden you have feelings for the other person. That's when the feelings get out of control. It was never desired and no disrespect was meant. The closeness causes the attraction not disrespect causing the closeness. It doesn't require ending the marriage. It doesn't mean ending the friendship. It means you have to dial back on the closeness to respect the boundaries that marriage requires.

[Anonymous]

Honestly...I think I know a couple where one party is having an emotional affair while being happily married. And it's not because the marriage is faulty, but because this particular person has inherently low self-esteem and needs ego-stroking.

I think OP might want to examine her heart and soul and really understand why she is feeling attracted to this other man. It may have nothing to do with her wonderful DH and everything to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm the OP. Listen, EAs are nuanced. As I said in my OP, I consider myself happily married and when you meet someone with which you share intense similarities and chemistry, it's difficult to figure it all out. Feelings and emotions are complicated and when you throw on an extra layer of an unhappy marriage, you are talking about people whose heads are probably spinning. I am cutting things off with mine, but I have someone enriching to come home to... Everyone has periods of weakness, so PP I do hope you can find some strength and figure out what will work best for you.

Did you tell him you were cutting it off? If so how did that go? Or are you just going to no contact without telling him why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm the OP. Listen, EAs are nuanced. As I said in my OP, I consider myself happily married and when you meet someone with which you share intense similarities and chemistry, it's difficult to figure it all out. Feelings and emotions are complicated and when you throw on an extra layer of an unhappy marriage, you are talking about people whose heads are probably spinning. I am cutting things off with mine, but I have someone enriching to come home to... Everyone has periods of weakness, so PP I do hope you can find some strength and figure out what will work best for you.

Did you tell him you were cutting it off? If so how did that go? Or are you just going to no contact without telling him why?

Didn't tell him that I was cutting him off nor have I had no contact. Working on sticking to really well-defined boundaries and told him that. It's been a good couple of days where we've stuck strictly to work/exercise topics. I think it's helping...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does a close friendship really signify an emotional affair???

I have a male friend and we text each other every now and then...sometimes at night...and sometimes it may border on flirting (not so much direct sexual flirting; more joking around and teasing). There's an unspoken attraction, but it's solidly based in a close friendship more than anything else...and I don't think it's an emotional affair.

My DH has seen many of the texts since I don't regularly clean out my inbox, and he knows the guy. I have deleted a few texts that might have crossed a line or been questionable (from the guy to me), but I still don't think it's an emotional affair.

Am I wrong?

Anyways, DH and I have a good marriage filled with lots of sex, so I have no real need to search for something in another man. Having said that, I do value my friendship with the guy.

DH here. Have a similar relationship w a female. She has what appears to be a very happy marriage marriage. Mine is pretty strong (we fight infrequently, have regular sex, try to respect each other's needs) Female friend and I don't really talk about our spouses. And, while we flirt a little (similar teasing to poster above) we don't talk about anything sexual. We text, but never late at night. I think we both try to maintain certain boundaries.

We both rely upon each other emotionally and other than our marriages and sex, we probably talk about everything else. We also have told each other how important the other is - but never in a way referring to love or a long-term relationship - just thankful for our friendship and positive qualities we like in the other. Sometimes I feel sexual tension - but I'm a guy, so it's probably imagined.

When one of us is on vacation I try to avoid all contact. She sometimes breaks that rule - I don't think she has the same rule for herself. But, again, it's just a hello. Hope everything is good type contact. Never, I miss you.

I'm sure most would classify our relationship as an EA.

PP, why do you try to avoid all contact when one of you is on vacation? I have a sort of similar situation and wondered about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


DH here. Have a similar relationship w a female. She has what appears to be a very happy marriage marriage. Mine is pretty strong (we fight infrequently, have regular sex, try to respect each other's needs) Female friend and I don't really talk about our spouses. And, while we flirt a little (similar teasing to poster above) we don't talk about anything sexual. We text, but never late at night. I think we both try to maintain certain boundaries.

We both rely upon each other emotionally and other than our marriages and sex, we probably talk about everything else. We also have told each other how important the other is - but never in a way referring to love or a long-term relationship - just thankful for our friendship and positive qualities we like in the other. Sometimes I feel sexual tension - but I'm a guy, so it's probably imagined.

When one of us is on vacation I try to avoid all contact. She sometimes breaks that rule - I don't think she has the same rule for herself. But, again, it's just a hello. Hope everything is good type contact. Never, I miss you.

I'm sure most would classify our relationship as an EA.

PP, why do you try to avoid all contact when one of you is on vacation? I have a sort of similar situation and wondered about this.

I try to maintain boundaries. When she's on vacation I want to give her and her family space. I'm okay if she checks in but I try not to intimate anything. Same when I'm on vacation. I don't mind when she reached out to say hello but I definitely don't feel the need to check in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP, why do you try to avoid all contact when one of you is on vacation? I have a sort of similar situation and wondered about this.

I try to maintain boundaries. When she's on vacation I want to give her and her family space. I'm okay if she checks in but I try not to intimate anything. Same when I'm on vacation. I don't mind when she reached out to say hello but I definitely don't feel the need to check in.

Initiate.

[Anonymous]

Folks should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass of at least read excerpts or comments on Amazon. It addresses EAs and why they are more common in coworkers. I agree with a lot of what PPs have stated. My X has cheated on which went from an EA to a PA to our divorce. In hindsight, these are my thoughts on the subject.

Something is off in your marriage or the spouse if an EA starts. Usually the straying spouse has a need for attention they are not receiving from the other spouse.

EAs are easy at work because we work closely with people and are at work the majority of the week. Boundaries are a must or the friendly "ear" can turn into more than that as your new friend "gets it". Too bad your spouse doesn't get that opportunity to get it before the EA starts. Unless you have tried to tell your spouse your feelings and attempt marriage counseling, you are making up an excuse for your behavior by saying "my spouse wasn't there for me". True, they may not have been but marriages take work and if you can't invest the time to fix what's broke, leave and then start your EA (which won't be as exciting once it's no longer the forbidden secret)

Now that I'm single again, I tread lightly with married coworkers of the opposite sex. I get along with males very well naturally but have the boundary. I'm currently close to a married male coworker right now, who I find attractive. I can also see how our friendship could get off course if I don't make the conscious effort to keep the boundary and respect HIS wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP, why do you try to avoid all contact when one of you is on vacation? I have a sort of similar situation and wondered about this.

I try to maintain boundaries. When she's on vacation I want to give her and her family space. I'm okay if she checks in but I try not to intimate anything. Same when I'm on vacation. I don't mind when she reached out to say hello but I definitely don't feel the need to check in.

Initiate.

Thank you for the response. I was really surprised when my male coworker never reached out to me during his vacation (I reached out once, just an email to say hello). I realized that if we weren't working together we wouldn't be talking every day and might even lose touch. It changed the way I looked at things.

[Anonymous]

You could be happily married with a great sex life and still feel sexual attraction towards another person. And if the other person also felt the same - you could certainly flirt or make racy comments or entertain the thoughts of "what ifs".

Even if you loved your spouse, the idea of an affair with OM who you find attractive or even flirting with that person, could give you the thrill of a new romance.

I don't think that this sort of an attraction is an impossibility in even the happiest of marriages. It is another matter if you decide to act on it or not. It is also an entirely different matter if you are willing to give up your marriage for it.

I do not think that this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be happily married with a great sex life and still feel sexual attraction towards another person. And if the other person also felt the same - you could certainly flirt or make racy comments or entertain the thoughts of "what ifs".

Even if you loved your spouse, the idea of an affair with OM who you find attractive or even flirting with that person, could give you the thrill of a new romance.

I don't think that this sort of an attraction is an impossibility in even the happiest of marriages. It is another matter if you decide to act on it or not. It is also an entirely different matter if you are willing to give up your marriage for it.

I do not think that this (being attracted to another) necessarily means that there is something lacking in your marriage. It just means that human beings can be attracted to more than one person.

[Anonymous]

You can totally be attracted to another person even when you are happily married. The key is to set boundaries and exercise restraint. Not a big deal...especially when you are happily married.

[SenecaSky]

I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but there are many people who are happily married and have emotional affairs, like me, except in my case my affair isn't hidden. It's out in the open and my husband and boyfriend (both of whom I love dearly) are completely aware of each other and are even friends. We're polyamorous, which means having more than one love. We were married for 16 years before my husband brought up the idea of being with someone else. I was his first. I knew that he loved me and he agreed that if I had a relationship as well, he could handle it fine. And going on a year, we're doing great. I've discovered that I have a slightly kinky side that my husband isn't comfortable with, so he's fine with me doing that with my boyfriend. He's also had a girlfriend. The biggest issues for us are making sure we are completely transparent with each other, communicate effectively and make time for each other so no one feels neglected. If you're interested in learning more about polyamory and you think you're SO would be too, you can check out "Opening Up", "The Ethical Slut", and "More than Two" All excellent reads on open marriages and polyamory.

Keep in mind too, that love isn't finite. It only grows. I have three kids - when the 2nd and 3rd were born I didn't love the first one any less. The same can happen with men and women

[Anonymous]

I'm the op and figured that I would check back in with an update. I thought I very clear boundaries to guide our friendship and told them all to my friend. So far so good. We will prob always be friends with an underlying attraction but it's do much easier to manage without texting and flirting. I'm also actively searching for the good in my husband vs complaining about him which is also a huge help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can totally be attracted to another person even when you are happily married. The key is to set boundaries and exercise restraint. Not a big deal...especially when you are happily married.

What do you consider these boundaries?