how to bring up std testing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the lack of understanding of available and accurate STD testing is dangerous. Educate yourselves, please.

Standard testing: syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and HIV. HSV2 blood testing is available, but it's not very reliable. Women are tested for HPV during a pap. Some of these viruses takes months to years to show up on a test.

Why is HSV2 not reliable?

I think it's an antibody test. The tests on sores are accurate.

What if you don't have actual sores but have the feeling you may have been exposed (burning, itching, feeling like sores may appear?)

[Anonymous]

The blood tests are fairly recent. My OB/GYN said as more and more women are testing for it, people are coming up positive for HSV2 and have never had symptoms of it.

She also said to not get the test, it's a waste of time and can you panicked over nothing. And if I think I have a sore, come in and get it swabbed. They don't consider someone to have herpes unless they've had a swab done.

[Anonymous]

Once, I ran out and got tested after someone I had slept with told me AFTER the deed that he had herpes but hadn't had an outbreak in years. I understand the risk for transmission was low, esp with a condom, but I still felt it was wrong of him to provide that information after sex.

anyway, my advice to you:


1) wear a condom
2) ask "have you been tested recently for sexually transmitted diseases?" and "have you ever been tested for HSV?"
3) don't sleep with someone on the 3/4th date if you want them to get a test, share results, etc. that should come with discussions of exclusivity, and more of a relationship. If you are not comfortable using a condom without a test, don't sleep with someone after 3 dates.
4) how often are you getting tested? Do you get tested after every new sexual partner? what are your expectations about how often to test? FWIW, When I was dating and sleeping with different people, I would get tested annually, but in general not get tested in between partners, given that I was using condoms and never experienced any symptoms. The above situation was the only time I felt that I had to absolutely get tested asap and not be intimate with anyone for a couple months.

[Anonymous]

No way, no how, no person's bump and grind is worth getting an STD for. I don't care who they are, what they look like or how wealthy/fit.

You don't get tested, you don't get into the panties. PERIOD.

That includes doctors. ESPECIALLY doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 40 year old divorced woman and have been in the dating scene for not quite a year. Since my divorce, I've been intimate with four men and ALL of them have tried to have sex without a condom. In fact, they seem surprised when I request it. Also, all of them have not initiated talk of STDs - I've been the one to do that. Been out of the dating scene for a long time and I am really surprised by this.

+1 I'm single and I have been shocked by this as well. And then when I asked about wearing the condom 90% didn't have one. I thought all (single) men carried them n their wallet "just in case". OP, I would be happy if a guy bought up STD testing (although I would prefer testing with those I was exclusive with versus someone I would just be using a condom with).

[Anonymous]

Guy here. When I was dating, I always brought condoms along. Believed that the woman actually was happy that a man cared enough to suggest it and be ready. I just don't understand dating in this day and age. Jeez, hope my wife never divorces me and I have to go through this crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 40 year old divorced woman and have been in the dating scene for not quite a year. Since my divorce, I've been intimate with four men and ALL of them have tried to have sex without a condom. In fact, they seem surprised when I request it. Also, all of them have not initiated talk of STDs - I've been the one to do that. Been out of the dating scene for a long time and I am really surprised by this.

Older guys hate condoms. There's a generation gap between men who grew up before the AIDs epidemic when boys started getting "wear a condon" drilled into their heads at school. I'm in my 30s and would never "raw dog" anyone unless we were in an LTR and I had a high degree of trust that she wasn't nuts.

I am poster PP. Three of the four men have been 40+ . The other one was 36. I honestly don't know what is going through their minds! And I have not been exclusive with any of these guys - so if they are doing this to me then they are for sure trying to have sex with other women without protection!

You sure are easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should use comdoms. If someone asked me for std testing after the 3rd or 4th date, I'd be annoyed. I'd be particularly annoyed that you seem to not want to use condoms.

When you're going to be exclusive and move into a more serious relationship is the time to ask about testing.

+1
Asking folks to get tested before having any sexual contact doesn't really happen in real life. You can ask about STD history, but you start off using condoms and actual testing doesn't come up until the relationship is more serious.

Yes it does. I have done it as a woman. Once had a guy opt to drive home and bring the results from his test once he realized I was going to just take his word for it. I would love for a guy to suggest getting tested together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should use comdoms. If someone asked me for std testing after the 3rd or 4th date, I'd be annoyed. I'd be particularly annoyed that you seem to not want to use condoms.

When you're going to be exclusive and move into a more serious relationship is the time to ask about testing.

+1
Asking folks to get tested before having any sexual contact doesn't really happen in real life. You can ask about STD history, but you start off using condoms and actual testing doesn't come up until the relationship is more serious.

Yes it does. I have done it as a woman. Once had a guy opt to drive home and bring the results from his test once he realized I was going to just take his word for it. I would love for a guy to suggest getting tested together.

Given the reliability of some tests, and the things not commonly tested for, I hope you opted for condoms. A piece of paper is only a partial snapshot.

[Anonymous]

I think these women's reaction is a good indication you don't want to get involved. I am female andalways had this discussion with my partners. If I hadn't been recently tested, then we both went within the week. An ex and I went to Whitman walker together once. And to give you some perspective, I'm a serial monogamist (only 5 partners in life) so it's not like I was even at that much risk.

One thing to examine, however, might be your tone or the way you bring this up. Could that be whats offending your potential partners?

[Anonymous]

OP has hit the nail on the head for me. As a guy who started dating again over four years ago after a LTR, I had the same dilemma. Like you OP it was a bit clumsy for me, that is why I really have long celibate spells these days. I have a few suggestions though:

1. Goes without saying that condoms are a MUST. Take your own condoms and use (her) sex toys.

2. Never give oral sex the first time. Only give oral after the 3rd or 4th time sleeping together when you are more comfortable talking about exclusivity, previous sex partners, etc. I normally just tease around the inner neck of the thighs and outside labia the 1st time. It is a sure way of getting her aroused just the same, and also a way of smelling if anything is off with her. Trust me, it works. You could also be more innovative by buying a 'pocket rocket' vibrator if she does not have sex toys. If your own, convince her that you want to experiment with her (and that it's brand new or thoroughly cleaned!) That's a good and fail-safe substitution for oral.

3. If she offers to give you oral (which for most women is unlikely until you are exclusive), come up with an excuse that you don't like it that much, or at least make sure there are no bruises on your manhood. The risk of herpes transmission is only there if she has a visible outbreak I think, so you should be fine.

4. Go get tested together. Women will think it's sweet and secure for you to go with them, even if you got tested very recently. Re-testing is a good way to communicate to them that you are serious about them, or at least serious about having sex with them on the regular. Women normally like that stuff.

5. Avoid dating women who drink and smoke excessively. I am not stigmatizing here, but the chances are that they MAY be more casual in their sexual encounters and MIGHT usually do ONS frequently.

Have fun safely, life is so short!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had girls flip out too. I just dump them. No need to go through the hassle. What's so hard about getting a test? My health is important to me. I don't want to jeopardize it by sleeping with someone who is afraid of getting a health check up.

Well maybe they were flipping out because they are immature "girls". Maybe you should date "women".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has hit the nail on the head for me. As a guy who started dating again over four years ago after a LTR, I had the same dilemma. Like you OP it was a bit clumsy for me, that is why I really have long celibate spells these days. I have a few suggestions though:

1. Goes without saying that condoms are a MUST. Take your own condoms and use (her) sex toys.

2. Never give oral sex the first time. Only give oral after the 3rd or 4th time sleeping together when you are more comfortable talking about exclusivity, previous sex partners, etc. I normally just tease around the inner neck of the thighs and outside labia the 1st time. It is a sure way of getting her aroused just the same, and also a way of smelling if anything is off with her. Trust me, it works. You could also be more innovative by buying a 'pocket rocket' vibrator if she does not have sex toys. If your own, convince her that you want to experiment with her (and that it's brand new or thoroughly cleaned!) That's a good and fail-safe substitution for oral.

3. If she offers to give you oral (which for most women is unlikely until you are exclusive), come up with an excuse that you don't like it that much, or at least make sure there are no bruises on your manhood. The risk of herpes transmission is only there if she has a visible outbreak I think, so you should be fine.

4. Go get tested together. Women will think it's sweet and secure for you to go with them, even if you got tested very recently. Re-testing is a good way to communicate to them that you are serious about them, or at least serious about having sex with them on the regular. Women normally like that stuff.

5. Avoid dating women who drink and smoke excessively. I am not stigmatizing here, but the chances are that they MAY be more casual in their sexual encounters and MIGHT usually do ONS frequently.

Have fun safely, life is so short!

3. Incorrect. I got herpes from my ex. He never had visible sores on his mouth or lips and I still got herpes from oral sex. Oral sex is risky even if you have been with someone for years. I dated my ex for years and that one time, he gave me herpes from oral sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has hit the nail on the head for me. As a guy who started dating again over four years ago after a LTR, I had the same dilemma. Like you OP it was a bit clumsy for me, that is why I really have long celibate spells these days. I have a few suggestions though:

1. Goes without saying that condoms are a MUST. Take your own condoms and use (her) sex toys.

2. Never give oral sex the first time. Only give oral after the 3rd or 4th time sleeping together when you are more comfortable talking about exclusivity, previous sex partners, etc. I normally just tease around the inner neck of the thighs and outside labia the 1st time. It is a sure way of getting her aroused just the same, and also a way of smelling if anything is off with her. Trust me, it works. You could also be more innovative by buying a 'pocket rocket' vibrator if she does not have sex toys. If your own, convince her that you want to experiment with her (and that it's brand new or thoroughly cleaned!) That's a good and fail-safe substitution for oral.

3. If she offers to give you oral (which for most women is unlikely until you are exclusive), come up with an excuse that you don't like it that much, or at least make sure there are no bruises on your manhood. The risk of herpes transmission is only there if she has a visible outbreak I think, so you should be fine.

4. Go get tested together. Women will think it's sweet and secure for you to go with them, even if you got tested very recently. Re-testing is a good way to communicate to them that you are serious about them, or at least serious about having sex with them on the regular. Women normally like that stuff.

5. Avoid dating women who drink and smoke excessively. I am not stigmatizing here, but the chances are that they MAY be more casual in their sexual encounters and MIGHT usually do ONS frequently.

Have fun safely, life is so short!

3. Incorrect. I got herpes from my ex. He never had visible sores on his mouth or lips and I still got herpes from oral sex. Oral sex is risky even if you have been with someone for years. I dated my ex for years and that one time, he gave me herpes from oral sex.

Sorry to hear about this. However, considering it is more efficient for men to pass on STIs of this nature to women than the reverse, I believe I can stand by my suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has hit the nail on the head for me. As a guy who started dating again over four years ago after a LTR, I had the same dilemma. Like you OP it was a bit clumsy for me, that is why I really have long celibate spells these days. I have a few suggestions though:

1. Goes without saying that condoms are a MUST. Take your own condoms and use (her) sex toys.

2. Never give oral sex the first time. Only give oral after the 3rd or 4th time sleeping together when you are more comfortable talking about exclusivity, previous sex partners, etc. I normally just tease around the inner neck of the thighs and outside labia the 1st time. It is a sure way of getting her aroused just the same, and also a way of smelling if anything is off with her. Trust me, it works. You could also be more innovative by buying a 'pocket rocket' vibrator if she does not have sex toys. If your own, convince her that you want to experiment with her (and that it's brand new or thoroughly cleaned!) That's a good and fail-safe substitution for oral.

3. If she offers to give you oral (which for most women is unlikely until you are exclusive), come up with an excuse that you don't like it that much, or at least make sure there are no bruises on your manhood. The risk of herpes transmission is only there if she has a visible outbreak I think, so you should be fine.

4. Go get tested together. Women will think it's sweet and secure for you to go with them, even if you got tested very recently. Re-testing is a good way to communicate to them that you are serious about them, or at least serious about having sex with them on the regular. Women normally like that stuff.

5. Avoid dating women who drink and smoke excessively. I am not stigmatizing here, but the chances are that they MAY be more casual in their sexual encounters and MIGHT usually do ONS frequently.

Have fun safely, life is so short!

3. Incorrect. I got herpes from my ex. He never had visible sores on his mouth or lips and I still got herpes from oral sex. Oral sex is risky even if you have been with someone for years. I dated my ex for years and that one time, he gave me herpes from oral sex.

Sorry to hear about this. However, considering it is more efficient for men to pass on STIs of this nature to women than the reverse, I believe I can stand by my suggestion.

This is a sure way of pissing a woman off. If you don't want to go down that's fine, but don't go down at all. And who introduces sex toys during their first encounter with someone?!