how to bring up std testing?
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Anonymous
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I'm a late 20's man who is back on the dating market and I am going out often with a number of women (mostly via okc and tinder). Unlike social circle dating, I don't know as much background on these women so when sex comes up around date 3 or 4 (i.e. we both want to do it), I suggest that we go get tested first so that we the peace of mind that both of us are 'clean'.
Surprisingly there has been backlash when I bring it up. I looked online and it seems that women usually are the ones that ask men this question so is it a double standard? I'm just being honest and realistic here - but I also want any ideas on how to broach the subject that perhaps doesn't anger women so much? |
Anonymous
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You should use comdoms. If someone asked me for std testing after the 3rd or 4th date, I'd be annoyed. I'd be particularly annoyed that you seem to not want to use condoms.
When you're going to be exclusive and move into a more serious relationship is the time to ask about testing. |
Anonymous
| PP- I got herpes from oral sex from my ex. Condoms wouldn't have prevented that. OP- If the women don't want to get tested, move on. Both of those dating websites are more for hooks ups than anything else in case you weren't aware. If you are looking for something more than that, try another dating site. |
Anonymous
| I didn't think there was a test for herpes. You just either look for sores, or the person has to be truthful. As a woman I would appreciate a man that wants to do STD testing before we became too intimate |
Anonymous
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You are probably getting backlash because to them, it's just a pain in the butt to go to a clinic and get your blood drawn, then have to wait for the results, etc. when they pretty much know they are clean since they don't have any unusual symptoms at the moment.
While I think your idea makes total sense, esp. in this day and age and in your dating situation, most people are so busy these days that no one likes to do anything that they do not feel is absolutely necessary and for the most part, most people do not feel like they are carrying anything around. The AIDS scare of the late 80's/early 90's isn't so prevalent anymore and people have become much more complacent. Not necessarily a good thing. I say..stick to your guns. We are talking about your health and well-being after all. If a woman is unwilling to abide by your request, then that is a clear sign that she is not the right woman for you and you can move on to someone who is. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| How would this even help? STD testing without exclusivity will only give you a moment's peace unless your plan is to do it over and over again. |
Anonymous
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Unless someone has gone and specifically asked for a herpes blood test, you probably won't know you have it if you do, unless it's one of those horrific outbreaks they show to scare people. An outbreak can EASILY appear to be razor bumps, skin tags, a yeast infection, etc. I think like 80% of people with Herpes don't even know they have it. So even if they say they've been tested and are clean, they could have herpes and just not know it, since it isn't part of STD testing.
A lot of providers won't offer the blood test, because it isn't something that causes real medical problems, like the other ones do. So, I'd just use condoms, and when you are in a more serious relationship where you don't want to use them anymore, then ask when was the last time they were tested. And ask them to request a blood test for herpes. |
Anonymous
| I appreciated when a guy I was dating took the initiative to get tested and gave me the results. For me it's a small sign of commitment, I'm not going to raw dog after 3 dates even if you're clear. Getting tested is the first step, then retesting, then unprotected. |
Anonymous
| Are you hoping for unprotected sex or sex with a condom and knowledge that the other person is "clean?" |
Anonymous
| Wear a condom you dumb fuck |
Anonymous
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There's not a good blood test for herpes. I doubt you'll be able to talk a woman or her insurance company into genetic testing on her spinal fluid.
Most of the tests are done on material collected from a sore. |
Anonymous
| I've had girls flip out too. I just dump them. No need to go through the hassle. What's so hard about getting a test? My health is important to me. I don't want to jeopardize it by sleeping with someone who is afraid of getting a health check up. |
Anonymous
| I am 40 year old divorced woman and have been in the dating scene for not quite a year. Since my divorce, I've been intimate with four men and ALL of them have tried to have sex without a condom. In fact, they seem surprised when I request it. Also, all of them have not initiated talk of STDs - I've been the one to do that. Been out of the dating scene for a long time and I am really surprised by this. |
Anonymous
I do get a health check. Once a year at my gyno. Do you go to the doctor before every sexual encounter? Because, to be really safe, you'd need to be re-tested like 6 weeks after each sexual encounter, right? And then, hope your partner is being monogamous as well. Even then, as stated in this thread, you can get a clean bill of health and still have herpes. Use condoms each time you have sex and don't hook up with every random you meet. That's going to help you not get an STD. Not demanding "papers" for each girl you go on a couple dates with. |
Anonymous
+1 Asking folks to get tested before having any sexual contact doesn't really happen in real life. You can ask about STD history, but you start off using condoms and actual testing doesn't come up until the relationship is more serious. |