Help me disengage from family meltdown

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 for EMDR therapy. Helped me heal from childhood trauma.

+1 on EMDR. It truly helped me work though childhood trauma as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you an atheist, you have to find a therapist who will assist you with forgiveness concept. Don't hang on mother's apology, it is irrelevant for your inner well being. Once you learn to forgive, you will see your mother's actions in a different light. If you want to have civilized relations with your parents in future -- stop judging them. You have no right to judge them. You may not like what they did as a parents, then try to do a better job with your own child. But do not judge them. Respect them. I am sure that there is not only abusive behavior that you grown up with. Didn't you have anything positive at all in your childhood to be thankful for? They gave you a life, it is the most precious thing on the earth. Be thankful for that. Because of them, you are breathing, you are thinking, you are going to yoga classes, etc. learn to love. Not for something, but against anything.

This is terrible advice. OP should not feel obligated to forgive her parents for abusing her.

[Anonymous]

Would it be possible to tell your sisters something along the lines of "Right now I'm trying to disengage with mom since she shows no real remorse for her abuse. Until she is ready to apologize I'm going to limit or possible cut off contact with her. I understand that you find engaging with her therapeutic for me it's very painful. Can you please cut me out of these conversations?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you an atheist, you have to find a therapist who will assist you with forgiveness concept. Don't hang on mother's apology, it is irrelevant for your inner well being. Once you learn to forgive, you will see your mother's actions in a different light. If you want to have civilized relations with your parents in future -- stop judging them. You have no right to judge them. You may not like what they did as a parents, then try to do a better job with your own child. But do not judge them. Respect them. I am sure that there is not only abusive behavior that you grown up with. Didn't you have anything positive at all in your childhood to be thankful for? They gave you a life, it is the most precious thing on the earth. Be thankful for that. Because of them, you are breathing, you are thinking, you are going to yoga classes, etc. learn to love. Not for something, but against anything.

This is terrible advice. OP should not feel obligated to forgive her parents for abusing her.

Ditto. Victims have no rights? Who knew?

[Anonymous]

What rights are you talking about? Right to be angry? Yes, op has choice to be angry as much as she wants to, but at the end of the day it is very self destructing and the one who is suffering is OP from her anger. On the other hand, if she can learn to forgive, she can live happy and fulfilling life, and even have a good relations with her parents if she choose to. There is no obligation to forgive parents, but there is always a choice to do it. Once you truly forgive, you no longer have bitter feeling. So it is a choice to live bitter and be in counseling, or to live happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What rights are you talking about? Right to be angry? Yes, op has choice to be angry as much as she wants to, but at the end of the day it is very self destructing and the one who is suffering is OP from her anger. On the other hand, if she can learn to forgive, she can live happy and fulfilling life, and even have a good relations with her parents if she choose to. There is no obligation to forgive parents, but there is always a choice to do it. Once you truly forgive, you no longer have bitter feeling. So it is a choice to live bitter and be in counseling, or to live happy.

As someone who went to years of therapy for this type of stuff my therapists forgiveness was not the goal, but acceptance. Acceptance of who someone is, is more freeing than forgiveness because I promise you, the toxic ones will continue needing forgiveness as long as they are toxic. Accepting them as a toxic person gives you the footing to say to yourself "This is who they are. Am I ok with being around who they are, because they aren't going to change?" Then you base your relationship on that knowledge, not on someone you wish they were instead of who they actually are. If you want to forgive in your heart for past wrong doings, that's fine, but you can't move forward on an assumption someone is going to be different and treat you better just because you forgive them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What rights are you talking about? Right to be angry? Yes, op has choice to be angry as much as she wants to, but at the end of the day it is very self destructing and the one who is suffering is OP from her anger. On the other hand, if she can learn to forgive, she can live happy and fulfilling life, and even have a good relations with her parents if she choose to. There is no obligation to forgive parents, but there is always a choice to do it. Once you truly forgive, you no longer have bitter feeling. So it is a choice to live bitter and be in counseling, or to live happy.

As someone who went to years of therapy for this type of stuff my therapists forgiveness was not the goal, but acceptance. Acceptance of who someone is, is more freeing than forgiveness because I promise you, the toxic ones will continue needing forgiveness as long as they are toxic. Accepting them as a toxic person gives you the footing to say to yourself "This is who they are. Am I ok with being around who they are, because they aren't going to change?" Then you base your relationship on that knowledge, not on someone you wish they were instead of who they actually are. If you want to forgive in your heart for past wrong doings, that's fine, but you can't move forward on an assumption someone is going to be different and treat you better just because you forgive them.

Well, if you learn to forgive, maybe you wouldn't spend time and money for years in therapy. I think you still don't understand what forgiveness is.


Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Forgiveness does not involve any expectation that the wrongdoer has to change. It involves changing your own feelings. Once you forgive, you can move on with your life. Merely accepting the fact that the person did something wrong does not relieve your heart from bitterness and anger. You just acknowledging that other persons action does not conform with your moral standards. Forgiveness involves changing your feelings toward that person, even though you don't accept his action, you still voluntary learn to love that person.

[Anonymous]

The other thing I'll pass along, simply because everything you said is so eerily familiar, is that when I finally started to take care of myself w/r/t my family, I came to learn that my sister wasn't the ally I thought she was, and that was tremendously painful. She wasn't ready to separate herself from the drama and start really healing, and when I wasn't willing to continue going on that trip with her, she became extremely angry with me and lashed out. Hopefully your sister wouldn't react the same way, but it's worth being prepared for.

OP You need to stop letting your sister drag you into this. It is her relationship with your mom. You are only getting pain (and manipulation) out of both of them working things out with you as a third party punching bag. Break down the 3 way communication. Ask your sis no cc, please.

[Anonymous]

np: I have posted before about how my son was in the hospital for most of 4 months when he was 3 for uncontrolled seizures, and I begged my mom to help with my dds who were 6 and 10. She ended up staying 2 months and I'm grateful for that. The whole time, my dad told her to come home. He showed no interest or empathy for our family situation. Growing up, he was not abusive, although he had many rages and he did spank my brother and me. He was always extremely selfish, jealous of others, possessive of my mom's attention, and he still is. He has been fired from dozens of jobs and always blames someone else. My son's medical crisis was 4 years ago. He still has many residual impairments but only has seizures mainly in his sleep now. He has behavior problems possibly from the meds. Two years ago I started individual therapy. The therapist encouraged me to do family therapy with my parents by phone, something I had tried before but they dropped out after 2 sessions. This time my mom agreed, and we've been at it for a year or so. She has brought my dad for a couple of months now. Last week the therapist told my dad he is trying to shame me, and he needs to stop doing that. At least I have the validation of hearing that. It's not enough for me to hear it only from my own therapist.