Reply to Help me disengage from family meltdown

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What rights are you talking about? Right to be angry? Yes, op has choice to be angry as much as she wants to, but at the end of the day it is very self destructing and the one who is suffering is OP from her anger. On the other hand, if she can learn to forgive, she can live happy and fulfilling life, and even have a good relations with her parents if she choose to.  There is no obligation to forgive parents, but there is always a choice to do it. Once you truly forgive, you no longer have bitter feeling. So it is a choice to live bitter and be in counseling, or to live happy. [/quote]

As someone who went to years of therapy for this type of stuff my therapists forgiveness was not the goal, but acceptance. Acceptance of who someone is, is more freeing than forgiveness because I promise you, the toxic ones will continue needing forgiveness as long as they are toxic. Accepting them as a toxic person gives you the footing to say to yourself "This is who they are. Am I ok with being around who they are, because they aren't going to change?" Then you base your relationship on that knowledge, not on someone you wish they were instead of who they actually are. If you want to forgive in your heart for past wrong doings, that's fine, but you can't move forward on an assumption someone is going to be different and treat you better just because you forgive them.[/quote]

Well, if you learn to forgive, maybe you wouldn't spend time and money for years in therapy. I think you still don't understand what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

Forgiveness does not involve any expectation that the wrongdoer has to change.  It involves changing your own feelings. Once you forgive, you can move on with your life. Merely accepting the fact that the person did something wrong does not relieve your heart from bitterness and anger. You just acknowledging that other persons action does not conform with your moral standards. Forgiveness involves changing your feelings toward that person, even though you don't accept his action, you still voluntary learn to love that person.

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