Help me disengage from family meltdown

[Anonymous]

I've heard positive things about this website, maybe you and/or your sisteright find it helpful - http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

[Anonymous]

"sisteright" = "sister might"

[Anonymous]

You don't need a therapist or strangers to tell you what you need to do. Just do it. Cut the strings.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. You were a child too, and it wasn't your role to protect her. Siblings are never nice to each other all the time, that's part of childhood. You shouldn't hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else, especially given that you were an abuse victim as well. If you heard someone telling an abuse victim that they should be nicer to other people while being abused, wouldn't you be horrified by that?

[Anonymous]

my mom just WILL NOT apologize genuinely to my sister about this

Our parents were physically and emotionally abusive,

Op, now YOU seem like the crazy one.
Why are you expecting reasonable
behavior from an abusive person?

Give yourself the chance for happiness. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

my mom just WILL NOT apologize genuinely to my sister about this

Our parents were physically and emotionally abusive,

Op, now YOU seem like the crazy one.
Why are you expecting reasonable
behavior from an abusive person?

Give yourself the chance for happiness. Get a grip.

Fuck off, jackass.

[Anonymous]

what you don't want to be happy - that's it isn't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

my mom just WILL NOT apologize genuinely to my sister about this

Our parents were physically and emotionally abusive,

Op, now YOU seem like the crazy one.
Why are you expecting reasonable
behavior from an abusive person?

Give yourself the chance for happiness. Get a grip.

Part of it is that parenting is stressful and while parents, esp. ones like mine who had bad parents themselves and inadeqaute coping mechanisms, can be physically and emotionally abusive when dealing with adolescents, sometimes with time and distance from that parents of adult children can look back with some perspective and apologize. My father truly HAS done this. So it's not impossible. Obviously my mom is not going that route so, taking your post in the nicest way possible, I will try to get a grip with that. OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My borderline personality disorder MIL is a hospital chaplain. She uses her "credentials" to slam her family members. She has no relationship with her siblings, or her cousins in her hometown. She has cut off myself and her other DIL, and her relationship with her sons consists mostly of sending out nasty e-mails.

Some people are just broken, and you can't fix them. For some people, their supposed "helping profession" is just a cover.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what you don't want to be happy - that's it isn't it.

I'm the one who said that, I'm not the OP. Just someone who thinks it's a total jerk move (to put it gently) to tell an abused person that they're crazy and need to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

OP --I empathize with you and your sister. And, I think that it's very common for daughters of narcissistic mothers to keep hoping for that unconditional love. It is such a profound emptiness not to have had that from one's own mother. I can't tell you how long I kept beating my head against that particular stone wall.

I'm over 50 now and my mother has been gone for 10 years. She never changed. They usually don't.

Personally, I very much disagree with what appears to be the approach your sister's therapist is taking. I recommend the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, PhD. You and/ or your sister may want to consider EMDR therapy at some point (to help you work through the developmental trauma you experienced).

[Anonymous]

+1 for EMDR therapy. Helped me heal from childhood trauma.

[Anonymous]

OP, since you an atheist, you have to find a therapist who will assist you with forgiveness concept. Don't hang on mother's apology, it is irrelevant for your inner well being. Once you learn to forgive, you will see your mother's actions in a different light. If you want to have civilized relations with your parents in future -- stop judging them. You have no right to judge them. You may not like what they did as a parents, then try to do a better job with your own child. But do not judge them. Respect them. I am sure that there is not only abusive behavior that you grown up with. Didn't you have anything positive at all in your childhood to be thankful for? They gave you a life, it is the most precious thing on the earth. Be thankful for that. Because of them, you are breathing, you are thinking, you are going to yoga classes, etc. learn to love. Not for something, but against anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP --I empathize with you and your sister. And, I think that it's very common for daughters of narcissistic mothers to keep hoping for that unconditional love. It is such a profound emptiness not to have had that from one's own mother. I can't tell you how long I kept beating my head against that particular stone wall.

I'm over 50 now and my mother has been gone for 10 years. She never changed. They usually don't.

Personally, I very much disagree with what appears to be the approach your sister's therapist is taking. I recommend the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, PhD. You and/ or your sister may want to consider EMDR therapy at some point (to help you work through the developmental trauma you experienced).

I am the pp and this is exactly what I was trying to said: do not try to change your parents, do not demand an apology. Change yourself!

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't hold your breath for an apology from anyone. You need to do what you need to do for yourself-i.e. distance-and not expect that from them.

Same for your sister-don't apologize to her anymore, you already did. You can't change anything. What is important now in your world is you and your baby (and dh if there is one, I missed that part). Don't waste your time on the parents or siblings, focus on baby-make his/her life great and be the mom you wanted. This is your chance!