toxic first child

[Anonymous]

Such an impossible decision OP - no right or wrong here (except that you and your husband need to be on the same page.)

Do think carefully about how you want to spend whatever time you may have remaining with your mom. Obviously there is nothing like the gift of a grandchild. But there is also nothing like being able to spend every available moment with someone you love whom you know may not be around for very long. So your ability to be with your mom, rather than being split between a newborn and your mother's needs, is a pretty important consideration.

I'm sorry you (and your mom of course) are facing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb . Obviously I will need to discuss this further with my family but like you guys advised I'll start by talking with my husband. Thanks so much.

Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.

Not really. Many, many, many women are grateful and relieved for their abortions. It's not always tragedy to terminate a pregnancy. It probably isn't tragic or sad most of the time.

FYI most pro-choice people would NOT agree with this. Of course it is sad, even if it's the right thing to do under the circumstances.

It's a serious decision, but not a sad one. Abortion is a form of birth control. It is not more sad to have an abortion than it is to take a pill. Pretending that every abortion that terminates an unwanted pregnancy is some great tragedy is playing into the anti-choice narrative. It's a medical procedure. Many women are glad to have it done, and are relieved and happy when it is done. 1/3 of women have an abortion by the age of 45. They're mostly relieved and satisfied with the decision.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely wait. I felt like shit when I was pregnant and had unexpected complicaitons that put me on extended bed rest. How would you feel if you couldn't be there for your mom when she needed you because of the pregnancy? Plus, even though your mom now would like to have the baby, in 9+ months, she may feel so crappy that she won't even really be able to appreciate the baby. And the baby won't remember your mom at all. Better that you have nice memories with your mom now that you can share with your child -- when you are ready to have him or her.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. My mom passed away before she ever saw any of her kids get married much less hold a single grand child. I do feel sadness that my mom never got to meet any of my kids, and they're left with a horrible grandmother (my MIL); however, children are a huge commitment of time and resources. Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and your husband.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb . Obviously I will need to discuss this further with my family but like you guys advised I'll start by talking with my husband. Thanks so much.

Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.

Not really. Many, many, many women are grateful and relieved for their abortions. It's not always tragedy to terminate a pregnancy. It probably isn't tragic or sad most of the time.

FYI most pro-choice people would NOT agree with this. Of course it is sad, even if it's the right thing to do under the circumstances.

It's a serious decision, but not a sad one. Abortion is a form of birth control. It is not more sad to have an abortion than it is to take a pill. Pretending that every abortion that terminates an unwanted pregnancy is some great tragedy is playing into the anti-choice narrative. It's a medical procedure. Many women are glad to have it done, and are relieved and happy when it is done. 1/3 of women have an abortion by the age of 45. They're mostly relieved and satisfied with the decision.

Who do you think you are to speak for "many" or "most" women who have had abortions? What a self-inflated ass you are. ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it. Your kid sure won't remember her, and your mother will be dead shortly after anyway. New babies put a LOT of strain on a marriage. You want to have a baby, money stress, plus the stress of your mother dying all at the same time? Thats stupid. Have a baby when you're ready to have one. When YOU are ready. Not when your mom is ready.

This. OP, you said your DH does not want to have the baby now. That carries a lot of weight in this decision. Rushing to have a baby isn't going to solve anything down the road.

Yes, all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb . Obviously I will need to discuss this further with my family but like you guys advised I'll start by talking with my husband. Thanks so much.

Seems gross to put the word "abortion" and a smilie face in the same sentence.

Not really. Many, many, many women are grateful and relieved for their abortions. It's not always tragedy to terminate a pregnancy. It probably isn't tragic or sad most of the time.

FYI most pro-choice people would NOT agree with this. Of course it is sad, even if it's the right thing to do under the circumstances.

It's a serious decision, but not a sad one. Abortion is a form of birth control. It is not more sad to have an abortion than it is to take a pill. Pretending that every abortion that terminates an unwanted pregnancy is some great tragedy is playing into the anti-choice narrative. It's a medical procedure. Many women are glad to have it done, and are relieved and happy when it is done. 1/3 of women have an abortion by the age of 45. They're mostly relieved and satisfied with the decision.

I'm the OP. I totally respect pro-life views, however, I don't think anyone who hasn't been in a situation where they needed or wanted an abortion can reputably provide input on the issue. I became pregnant by a man I hated when I was in college and unable to care for a child. To quote Dick Cheney, I would "do it again in a minute." Abortion is hard because it's so deeply personal, and there's obviouslt no right answer. I, personally, never regretted my decision, I'm sure many people have. Honestly no politician or anonymous forum should be able to make that decision for you.

[Anonymous]

Did you make the title so more people would read this? It just feels off..

[Anonymous]

I would wait. But also get her life story down. There are books you can work through, Grandma's Sotry, etc, designed to give to the kids as gifts--work through one with her so she will be leaving them something.

[Anonymous]

Agree this is a weird title for this thread.

Op- the way I look at it, there are going to be both pros and cons to having a child now as opposed to waiting another 2 years to start a family.

Your mom's illness is one (big) reason in favor of having a baby now but it is not THE reason to have a baby now. If you have a lot of reasons to have the baby now - go for it. But if there are a lot of reasons NOT to start a family now they are something to consider.

As much as you love your mom, when it comes to having a baby: your child's well being comes first and foremost. Your well being comes next. And grandparents are 3rd.

I say this as a mom, myself.

[Anonymous]

OP I was in a similar position, but with my grandmother. I was incredibly close to her, moreso than my mother for the bulk of my childhood (my mother and I are too similar, we drive each other crazy, and my grandmother after raising my mother and being married to my grandfather - our source of crazy - just knows how to be there). We're still paying off my student loans, but for us it was waiting until I was out of school (I was a returning student pursuing my second bachelors). I would've been out when the child was born, but I really needed to get a job first.

DH had the level head, I was too emotionally involved in the situation (for obvious reasons). We did wait, and while it very much makes me sad that she didn't get to meet my daughter, DD was born with a birth mark at the base of her neck, so we like to say my grandmother met DD before us. Also when comparing pictures of my grandmother at 2 and DD now, they are strikingly similar.

You're trying to make an impossible decision OP. The next few months will be stressful in general as your mother's health declines. If you really push for this it'll add stress to your marriage, your finances, and you may or may not be able to overcome. While I am still sad I couldn't get a picture with my daughter and grandmother, I know without question we did the right thing by waiting. Have your mother write letters to your future children, put together a book for you of questions you might have (start thinking of them now), etc. There's no reason you can't start looking at nurseries and what not to get her opinion now, even if you're years away. You can still have that experience, but without the baby coming immediately.

[Anonymous]

This isn't a good reason to have a baby. A child is a huge committment. Bringing a baby into a situation where your husband isn't 100% on board could backfire.

[Anonymous]

What did you mean by 'toxic first child', OP? I don't get it. What were you thinking? It will be helpful for you to understand your own thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it. Your kid sure won't remember her, and your mother will be dead shortly after anyway. New babies put a LOT of strain on a marriage. You want to have a baby, money stress, plus the stress of your mother dying all at the same time? Thats stupid. Have a baby when you're ready to have one. When YOU are ready. Not when your mom is ready.

This. OP, you said your DH does not want to have the baby now. That carries a lot of weight in this decision. Rushing to have a baby isn't going to solve anything down the road.

Yes, all of this.

+1

And, as others have said: the title is off.

This is a terrible reason to have a child. I know two girls who did this (unwed) because their mother was dying of breast cancer. One girl's life was derailed and never got back on track, and the other took a good five or six years to recover.

My paternal grandmother died when I was 3 - I have zero memory of her. So, this isn't for you, your child or your husband..it's for your mom. I don't want to be cold, but life is for the living. You three will be living with the consequences, for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb . Obviously I will need to discuss this further with my family but like you guys advised I'll start by talking with my husband. Thanks so much.

It may be dumb, but it was also your initial impulse as to how to describe the situation. It sounds like, as much as you want this for your mom, it's not a good idea for you.

When or whether you have a baby should not be a discussion with your family. Your husband, and your doctor/midwife. But it's not a family decision.

I was going to post this - frankly, the only person you SHOULD discuss it with is your husband. No one else gets a vote. And I disagree with something a PP said - your husband's opinion isn't given great weight, it's a de facto veto for having a kid. In a healthy marriage, both people have to agree to and want a kid. Anything else is a recipe for disaster. If he doesn't want to do it now, that's it.