toxic first child

[Anonymous]

My husband and I planned to have a child in two years, at which point we believe we'll have a house and fewer goddamn student loans to pay off. Since I left for college my mom has been eagerly awaiting her first grandchild, and can't wait to meet him/her. She loves kids and they love her, so we were all super excited to have grandma around to help out once we have a baby. Unfortunately, my mother has been diagnosed with cancer, and there's a very slim chance she'll even be alive in two years. I want to try and get pregnant now, so our child and my mom will get to meet each other. It would be a strain for a little while, but in the end I think we can overcome that part. My husband and father (not married to my mom) both say we shouldn't speed up our family for my mom's sake and it will only cause resentment and stress. My mom says I should do whatever makes me happy, but I can tell she's devastated by her prognosis in part because I don't have kids yet. Can anyone offer some input here? Thanks, and happy holidays!

[Anonymous]

I would have the child, if it were me.

[Anonymous]

I had a couple of sudden deaths close together, during and not long after my first pregnancy.

My dad died of a heart attack when my first child was 17 months old. He never met my second child. I regret it a lot. He would have adored my youngest. I am so sorry that he never even got to see him. I'm glad that he did get to meet my oldest.

My maternal grandmother died very suddenly, from a fall, when I was pregnant with the oldest. It was tremendously stressful and I was very sad. I hope it didn't add bad outcomes for my child, but I have to face the fact that it may have done. DC has a mild ASD. Stress in pregnancy may contribute to that.

[Anonymous]

I'd accelerate. You have a chance to fulfill another persons lifelong wish with something you want anyway. You could spend the whole two years trying. You just never know. It would be a gift if you could make it happen. That's how I'd think of it. Nothing matters in this life more than the people we love and who love us back. You may even give her a powerful reason to hope and fight which would enhance the quality of the time she has left, if not the length.

[Anonymous]

What kind of cancer does your mother have? Is she being treated or is she in hospice? The answers would influence my decision.

My mother died when my first child was almost 2yo. Her funeral was on his birthday. We didn't plan it that way; she had a terminal diagnosis but had lived for 6 years with intermittent treatment. I didn't expect her to die. I will say that it was hard to manage a young child during her final couple of months - the first time I left my son for any period of time was to go see her in the ICU, and then I would go back and forth via plane with him to see her as she tried to battle back. At 22 months, he was insanely difficult to manage under those circumstances - I would be chasing him around airports and the rehab facility, etc. Every aspect of the whole thing was just excruciating.

All that said, my mother was overjoyed to finally have a grandchild. It meant a lot to her that she could see me begin that stage of life. But my son doesn't actually remember her anymore, and I don't know if it gives me any comfort that she got to hold him as a baby - I am still heartbroken she can't know him now that he is a handsome, well-behaved tween.

So I don't know OP - I would think carefully about what kind of caretaking your mother will need and/or you will want to provide; about how probable her timeline is (my mother shouldn't have lived as long as she did); and how you would manage the often overwhelming physical and emotional demands of pregnancy/infancy plus your mother's illness. I'd also consider your own age, and whether you

Bear in mind, OP, that despite what you may think, not everyone gets pregnant on schedule. Even if you "decided" to have a baby ASAP, you may find you can't orchestrate the timing as neatly as you'd like. I had a m/c a few months after my mother died, and it really truly broke me for a long time. It's an awful statistic, but m/c is not uncommon, nor is fertility issues. Do you want to (potentially) be dealing with any of that while you are also trying to be there for your mom and/or grieve for her?

[Anonymous]

"Toxic"?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. Your kid sure won't remember her, and your mother will be dead shortly after anyway. New babies put a LOT of strain on a marriage. You want to have a baby, money stress, plus the stress of your mother dying all at the same time? Thats stupid. Have a baby when you're ready to have one. When YOU are ready. Not when your mom is ready.

[Anonymous]

I'd start trying, partly for mom, partly because you may have fertility issues you don't know about and it could take a lot longer than you think to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

First, your title is off.

Second, have a child if you AND you husband really yearn for one. That is what will keep you sane during the difficult times that are bound to come with a young marriage and an infant.

Don't have a child just because your mother has a terminal diagnosis. You will have to live with the consequences of that timing for ever, and she will not.

Best wishes to your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it. Your kid sure won't remember her, and your mother will be dead shortly after anyway. New babies put a LOT of strain on a marriage. You want to have a baby, money stress, plus the stress of your mother dying all at the same time? Thats stupid. Have a baby when you're ready to have one. When YOU are ready. Not when your mom is ready.

This. OP, you said your DH does not want to have the baby now. That carries a lot of weight in this decision. Rushing to have a baby isn't going to solve anything down the road.

[Anonymous]

Not a good reason to have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it. Your kid sure won't remember her, and your mother will be dead shortly after anyway. New babies put a LOT of strain on a marriage. You want to have a baby, money stress, plus the stress of your mother dying all at the same time? Thats stupid. Have a baby when you're ready to have one. When YOU are ready. Not when your mom is ready.

This. OP, you said your DH does not want to have the baby now. That carries a lot of weight in this decision. Rushing to have a baby isn't going to solve anything down the road.

OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. Wait on having kids if that is what your spouse wants to do. He's in the marriage not your mom.

[Anonymous]

No--it is not your job to irrevocably alter your plans to fulfill your mom's wish. It just isn't. Become a mom when you are ready, not when someone else wants you to, even if they are dying.

Pregnancy and childbirth take up a huge amount of energy. I would argue to spend this time with your mom, use any extra energy and money you have to help caregive during her illness, maybe have a family getaway.

Give your mom the gift of time with you, her own child.

[Anonymous]

OP here-Thanks everyone for the advice. For those who asked, my mother is being treated but not aggressively, to preserve her quality of life-if the first treatments don't make an impact, she'll go into hospice care. I don't believe I have fertility issues as I got pregnant a while ago and had an abortion, and in retrospect that title was really dumb . Obviously I will need to discuss this further with my family but like you guys advised I'll start by talking with my husband. Thanks so much.