Are these red flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do like him a lot but also have been slowing down because of these signs. He has great qualities. Wonderful sense of humor, great job, wants the same future as me, is very loving and caring, supportive, etc. Majority of my friends like him. My brother is the one who noticed the " red flags" and told me I should break up with him.

I can't say he feels like he " owns" me. He did push to exclusivity and said " I don't like competition". I can tell he is insecure but everyone has insecurities. The pushing to exclusivity fast does worry me and he doesn't like me talking to other men.

Listen to your brother.

[Anonymous]

I fell for a guy like this at your age. By my late 20s, I was dealing with serious buyer's remorse. We are now co-parenting...don't sign up for this. At 24, I was trying to talk myself into being ok with the red flags because he was really attentive and marriage minded. He made a "joke" about getting me pregnant so he could lock me down that I shouldn't have brushed off. My friends liked him...my one guy friend is the one that saw the writing on the wall and issued a warning. Today, I heed his warnings.

You're 24. You can meet another marriage minded guy without red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fell for a guy like this at your age. By my late 20s, I was dealing with serious buyer's remorse. We are now co-parenting...don't sign up for this. At 24, I was trying to talk myself into being ok with the red flags because he was really attentive and marriage minded. He made a "joke" about getting me pregnant so he could lock me down that I shouldn't have brushed off. My friends liked him...my one guy friend is the one that saw the writing on the wall and issued a warning. Today, I heed his warnings.

You're 24. You can meet another marriage minded guy without red flags.

I'm the PP with the abusive ex and this was my ex's line too. He got me pregnant and left several times over the years before finally assaulting both of us. I cannot agree with you more.

Want to be friends PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do like him a lot but also have been slowing down because of these signs. He has great qualities. Wonderful sense of humor, great job, wants the same future as me, is very loving and caring, supportive, etc. Majority of my friends like him. My brother is the one who noticed the " red flags" and told me I should break up with him.

I can't say he feels like he " owns" me. He did push to exclusivity and said " I don't like competition". I can tell he is insecure but everyone has insecurities. The pushing to exclusivity fast does worry me and he doesn't like me talking to other men.

Listen to your brother.

Yes, I think so, too. It's interesting that it's your brother telling you to get out while the majority of your friends like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see where some have said its not red flags and he's moving fast given his age. Even though I am 24 I am ready to settle down. Moving fast and sharing future goals are one thing. A month in an he was asking me what mind of rings I like ( engagement) and how he has " dreams of our baby we will have". Maybe it is normal but I've dated a man his age before this and he moved semi-fast but didnt act like this.

I have a good male friend I grew up with. My mom and his mom are best friends. When he came into town I planned on meeting up for a drink with him. He said it would be cheating and my friend wants to fuck me. That was a month in.

I feel some of his controlling ways are possessive and not normal.

Wow this sounds exactly like my ex. I mean it's so similar it's frigtening. Whirlwind relationship, a little too strong too fast, wanted to move in together after 3 month, put down other people, acted one way in front of my friends and family (charming) and then different at home with me. My ex came from a messed up family- both parents divorced 3 times and never saw his dad much. Had major abandonment issues and never got therapy. Hence I am convinced he has NPD. This guy sounds so much like mine. The thing that really jumped out at me was your last line about him saying your friend would want to "f&&k" you. My ex would not tolerate me bring friends with any guys. He was extraordinarily jealous and was obsessed with wanting to know how many men I had slept with before him.
Please save yourself and leave this relationship now- it will get bad. He will try to isolate you from your friends and family and become controlling and abusive. Leave now before you get too invested. All the signs are there. You are asking this for a reason- trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Op again.

Some of what others are saying is too familiar. He was obsessed with knowing how many men I had sex with - including oral. He made it in a joking way but I knew he was serious after several times bringing it up. He's just very needy and gets upset when I can't talk to him at the moment. He automatically assumes something is wrong. The other day I read a quote about loving who you are. He totally turned if around and started talking about how many people are more successful and attractive but you shouldn't leave your spouse because of it. He has this fear that I'm going to leave him for a better man.

The other issue is sex related. I noticed he isn't the missionary type. Many men aren't but usually vanilla sex is first until a relationship is established. As soon as we had sex it was rough. It's never passionate. It's more like a " wam bam, thank you, mam". He's a very selfish lover. If I bring up any subject or topic and feels he's being criticized, he lashes out and purposely says hurtful comments to upset me. He's done this twice. His excuse is always " you hurt me so I'm hurting you". I'm not hurting him. I'm talking as an adult trying to resolve issues.

It's very upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see where some have said its not red flags and he's moving fast given his age. Even though I am 24 I am ready to settle down. Moving fast and sharing future goals are one thing. A month in an he was asking me what mind of rings I like ( engagement) and how he has " dreams of our baby we will have". Maybe it is normal but I've dated a man his age before this and he moved semi-fast but didnt act like this.

I have a good male friend I grew up with. My mom and his mom are best friends. When he came into town I planned on meeting up for a drink with him. He said it would be cheating and my friend wants to fuck me. That was a month in.

I feel some of his controlling ways are possessive and not normal.

Get out, get out, get out right now. These 4 sentences, even absent everything else you have typed, prove it. He's not reacting this way because he is older, or because he is marriage-minded, or ready to get serious. He's acting this way because he is a controlling nutjob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've recently bad dating a man ( 5 months) and things keep popping up that are a little weird. I have a tendency to over analyze and so I need outside opinions.

1. He took me on a weekend vacation 3 weeks after dating. Friends and family were there, too. It was very fast and odd but it was a family thing and he needed a date.

2. He can be overbearing with texts and calls. If I stop texting he will ask " Everything ok?" but then reach out with a compliment 30 minutes later. Sometimes I feel he doesn't respect my space.

3. We were immediately exclusive, his choice. It was literally after the 2nd date and he was pushing for that.

4. He constantly showers me with affection. He uses statements likes " You're my perfect match". " I never move this fast but I feel so comfortable. I can tell you anything and you never judge.". Constantly telling me I'm pretty and sort of soliciting compliments about my feelings for him.

5. He has this tendency to think he's the best and talks badly about people who are overweight ( he was a chubby kid) and bad about exes. He said he broke up with all his previous girlfriends and " dodged a bullet".

6. His friends he has since childhood are all players and cheaters. There is only one that is a " good guy" but he just met him 3 years ago.

7. He has asked me questions about big decisions. Two weeks after dating he was trying to include me in choosing a job offer. That's nice and all but should wait until we are dating for 6+ months. He's done the same with buying a condo.

8. He already talks about the future with kids and marriage. I'm only 24 and he is 31. He's never been married or have kids but wants both very soon.

After reading all these posts from women who are dating men with these signs, I'm worried. I'm not sure if its my mind playing tricks and he is rushing because he likes me a lot or if I should be worried. What do you all think?

The things I have bolded are in my opinion, deal-breakers OP.

I think he is moving too quickly in this relationship + that you need to tell him to put on the brakes ASAP.

It sounds like he isn't giving you enough time or space that is required to even figure out if this relationship has what it takes to become a serious one. What is truly odd is that after the second date, you two became "exclusive." Who the hell does that....??!! That is outrageous!!

If he makes you feel guilty for choosing to slow things down or starts pressuring you more, then you need to let this one go.

And "dodge this bullet."

[Anonymous]

Why are you with this guy? He sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

I'm a marriage counselor and I really hope you listen to what I am about to tell you.

In my 30+ years of counseling I see one and only one reason people stay in bad relationships. It is because they somehow feel deep down (or maybe not deep down) that they won't find anyone else who is better. You can post here, you can ask your friends, you can get therapy, but you already know the answer. It's clear that this man is bad for you but no matter how many of us tell you that you won't break up with him if you feel that this is your last chance at love.

Deal with yourself, then the right man will come along because you will see he is worthy of you.

Until then you will keep asking the questions that you know the answer to.

Peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a marriage counselor and I really hope you listen to what I am about to tell you.

In my 30+ years of counseling I see one and only one reason people stay in bad relationships. It is because they somehow feel deep down (or maybe not deep down) that they won't find anyone else who is better. You can post here, you can ask your friends, you can get therapy, but you already know the answer. It's clear that this man is bad for you but no matter how many of us tell you that you won't break up with him if you feel that this is your last chance at love.

Deal with yourself, then the right man will come along because you will see he is worthy of you.

Until then you will keep asking the questions that you know the answer to.

Peace.

Agree 100%!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do like him a lot but also have been slowing down because of these signs. He has great qualities. Wonderful sense of humor, great job, wants the same future as me, is very loving and caring, supportive, etc. Majority of my friends like him. My brother is the one who noticed the " red flags" and told me I should break up with him.

I can't say he feels like he " owns" me. He did push to exclusivity and said " I don't like competition". I can tell he is insecure but everyone has insecurities. The pushing to exclusivity fast does worry me and he doesn't like me talking to other men.

Well, those are some great qualities but will they matter if he locks you in to a relationship? Sure, it would be nice to have such a wonderful jailer, but he would still be a jailer.

[Anonymous]

#6 is a bad sign. Who your friends are says a lot about you. The fact your brother thought he was bad news is another huge sign.

[Anonymous]

The marriage counselor is so right. I stayed with my ex so long because I worried that nobody would love and be that dedicated to me like he was.

He pressured me for my number if sex partners and then was upset with the response and asked if I used to have low self esteem (I'd had 5 partners). He had an addictive personality in general, to porn, smoking, drinking, and me. He hated my best male friend and agreed to drop his closest gal pal if I stopped talking to my friend. He said that I was his number one priority but my friends and family came before him. His parents died when he was young and he claimed his grandparents abused him. He wanted to do everything together outside of work.

Today, this type of guy is completely unattractive to me. Be prepared for a guilt trip when you try to walk away. Then anger.

[Anonymous]

RUN

Then read The Gift of Fear