Middle school daughter has never been to a class mate's party or sleepover,I'm worried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro writer poster, wanted to add, when I was 13 and eating lunch by myself YET AGAIN and hoping no boys would make fun of me (they liked to bark at me) I could never imagined that I would be me now. It DOES get better, and I wish I could tell all the lunch alone kids out there that and have them believe me. *sigh*

I was going to write this also.

I had a miserable time in middle school. I'll say it got a bit better in HS when I found a few people through clubs, etc. I had terrible social skills, and was very introverted. Ate lunch by myself tons of times!

But, I agree that I wish I could tell your DD that it gets better. Like this PP, I have a great job, fantastic DH and good kids (so far), and have some good friends that I've had for years now. I would have NEVER imagined life turning out this way for me - I always thought I wasn't worthy of happiness. My job now involves talking to people/stranger on a daily basis, and I do it without even a second thought. I really came into my own in college/grad school

Middle school isn't at all like real life, fortunately. And, some kids just take some more time.

Good luck to your DD, OP.

You know, I saw an elementary school kid on FB that made a "friend" bench for outdoor recess. If you were feeling lonely, you could sit on it and people would be aware and ask to play with you etc... I wish in middle school they had a table for "new" kids. A place that kids could go to if they didn't want to eat by themselves. Forge a new friendship etc.. I just can't imagine feeling that lonley. It makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

I was that 'quirky' girl during my entire school life. It was horror. I am now struggling with anxiety and depression because of what I've been through. I got my autism diagnosis when I was 24. Help her now. Not saying she's on the spectrum. Not at all. But I am saying that she needs help now. Not in 10 years. Being lonely and feeling like you don't fit in anywhere is a horrible feeling. If she's also getting teased and bullied - well...school is the center of life when growing up. So are friends. If you don't do well in those two areas life is hard for young kids. Listen to her. Talk to her. Sit down and talk open and honest and find out what she could do together. I asked for help so many times and wasn't heard - I hope it'll be different from her.

Don't wait until she 'grows out of it' because if it feels bad enough for her she never will. It will only grow in to her more and more and ruin the rest of her life for her.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Her problem is not lack of conforming. Her problem is a lack of confidence. Work on that, and other kids will be attracted to her based on her confidence.

[Anonymous]

How about Math Team, a coding club or camp, or something in robotics? I think a joint event with her cousin is also a nice idea. Can they do a New Years Eve at 9 party? A movie and ice cream over a weekend with a group of kids? Good luck!

[Anonymous]

So, I didn't get invited to parties. I invited the girls in my class to my 10th birthday party, which was over the summer and they all told me they wanted to come to, and they all pretended like they didn't get the invitation. When I finally got invited to sleepovers, they invited me so they could pick on me. I thought I was making friends. They put my bra in the freezer, stuck my hand in a bowl of warm water, and at another party, they picked a fight with me, so I'd have to call my mom and leave in the middle of the night.

When I look back on the situation, I see a host of things I would have wanted my mom to do. I would have wanted to her teach me how to dress better. I would have wanted her to teach me how to do my hair. I would have wanted her to ask me what parts of my body I felt insecure about (my hips and my elbows) and teach me about how they weren't weird and how to wear clothes to flatter them. I would have wanted her to help me choose glasses that didn't make me look so ridiculous. She could have taught me how to wear makeup, instead of letting me reapply the same things over and over again that didn't work for me.

The other thing is that kids who wore certain brands stand out. I have no idea if that's still the case now, but I can only assume that it is.

I started dating a guy in high school who transferred from another school. He really liked me, but didn't want people to know, so he wouldn't talk to me in school. Apparently, he was very unpopular at his other school, but somehow became very popular at our school. I had no idea that people would be like that. That when someone is considered unpopular in school, that people who genuinely like them will shun them just to stay popular. I watched shows like Glee and Awkward, and it's hard to imagine that kind of stupid shit being real, but then I look back on how people treated me, and I'm shocked that this continues. That parents can't band together and break the cycle.

It took me that decade to try and fail, but I eventually learned on my own how to dress, how to do my hair, how to do my makeup, how to present myself with confidence. My high school graduation picture was a new, glowing me.

It's not my mom's fault even though I wish she knew what I knew about me, she didn't know how to do those things herself. And, it takes a lot of experience to know how to give that kind of feedback without tearing someone down.

My advice outside my anecdote is to encourage your daughter to be involved in as many clubs as she can be. I tried to do so much. I failed at soccer and cheerleading, but I maintained more than 13 activities per year. I was happy, even though now I know I probably should have been sad because of situations. So funny, I don't know how I came out of that tunnel feeling like I grew up happy.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about Math Team, a coding club or camp, or something in robotics? I think a joint event with her cousin is also a nice idea. Can they do a New Years Eve at 9 party? A movie and ice cream over a weekend with a group of kids? Good luck!

I have suggested hanging out with friends from school with her cousin, but she says that some of those girls don't like her and she would feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Also, she's not really girly could that be an issue?

[Anonymous]

OP,

If she doesn't many friends at present, this process will be a slow one. If you encourage her at all to hang out with anyone, make it with one other kid at a low key event (not surrounding a major holiday or event) and preferably without her cousins. It's great that she spends time with them, but she needs to have a social life that's independent of them. Encourage her to make this effort at least once a month.

Basically, I would think about this more long term almost like a new year's resolution. Between now and the end of school, encourage her to focus on:

1. One thing to expand her mind or learn a new skill (coding club, math club, book club, drama)
2. One thing to give back to her community (planting a tree, volunteering a dog shelter or nursing home)
3. One thing to improve her physical being (leaning how to cook healthy foods, taking up a non-competitive, recreational sport like swimming, walking/hiking, yoga, even meditation.)

At the beginning of the month you can think about how these 3 goals might happen. By June, she's going to feel healthier, more confident, and just maybe she will have built up a few social acquaintances whom she can invite to her summer birthday party. This isn't really the end goal but it would help celebrate her time of growth. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee there are other quirky kids out there feeling the same as she does, you guys just need to find them. Drama club is always a good place to start (I should know, I was a theatre geek!). Also any kind of science club if she likes science. Art lessons, anything where the offbeat is appreciated.

Oh and please tell her from me, it gets better. I didn't fit in either, and now my life is so amazing. =)

What do you do now if you don't mind me asking?

Not the PP. But I was pretty much a social pariah. No one wanted to hang out with me. I had zero friends outside of school in middle school. I did school activities, but the people in the activities would hang out without me.

I really came out of my shell in high school. Was on student council, led a couple of organizations. Since then I have had zero shortage of friends and was well liked throughout college and law school. After middle school, I found that people cared more whether you were nice and fun to be around rather than "cool". I was friends with the bookworms, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the jocks, etc. Because of my own experiences being left out, I made a point of being nice to everyone. By high school my parents were concerned that I had too many social obligations. That problem persists today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro writer poster, wanted to add, when I was 13 and eating lunch by myself YET AGAIN and hoping no boys would make fun of me (they liked to bark at me) I could never imagined that I would be me now. It DOES get better, and I wish I could tell all the lunch alone kids out there that and have them believe me. *sigh*

WHen I was younger, boys used to come up to me and tell me that their friends were interested in me, as a way of insulting their friends. No joke.

In gym people would say things like "ugh, why do I have to sit next to the ugly girl?" You remember that skee-lo song, sometimes I was picked last and sometimes never picked at all? Yep, me. (One day, the teacher made a team take me and they realized that I was better than most of the boys at basketball...thanks dad and brothers!))

I was bullied, cornered, and hit. All I wanted was to be ignored.

And you know what? Things got a million times better. I became a little less awkward. People became a lot nicer. I had tons and tons of friends and was well liked. I am happily married and have two kids now. I love my job. I never had trouble fitting in after middle school. I make friends easily.

The people that made fun of me? I don't really care. I am assuming that they grew up and became nicer. When I was crying on Sunday because i had to go to school on Monday I wish I could have had a glimpse into how things would get better so quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I didn't get invited to parties. I invited the girls in my class to my 10th birthday party, which was over the summer and they all told me they wanted to come to, and they all pretended like they didn't get the invitation. When I finally got invited to sleepovers, they invited me so they could pick on me. I thought I was making friends. They put my bra in the freezer, stuck my hand in a bowl of warm water, and at another party, they picked a fight with me, so I'd have to call my mom and leave in the middle of the night.

When I look back on the situation, I see a host of things I would have wanted my mom to do. I would have wanted to her teach me how to dress better. I would have wanted her to teach me how to do my hair. I would have wanted her to ask me what parts of my body I felt insecure about (my hips and my elbows) and teach me about how they weren't weird and how to wear clothes to flatter them. I would have wanted her to help me choose glasses that didn't make me look so ridiculous. She could have taught me how to wear makeup, instead of letting me reapply the same things over and over again that didn't work for me.

The other thing is that kids who wore certain brands stand out. I have no idea if that's still the case now, but I can only assume that it is.

I started dating a guy in high school who transferred from another school. He really liked me, but didn't want people to know, so he wouldn't talk to me in school. Apparently, he was very unpopular at his other school, but somehow became very popular at our school. I had no idea that people would be like that. That when someone is considered unpopular in school, that people who genuinely like them will shun them just to stay popular. I watched shows like Glee and Awkward, and it's hard to imagine that kind of stupid shit being real, but then I look back on how people treated me, and I'm shocked that this continues. That parents can't band together and break the cycle.

It took me that decade to try and fail, but I eventually learned on my own how to dress, how to do my hair, how to do my makeup, how to present myself with confidence. My high school graduation picture was a new, glowing me.

It's not my mom's fault even though I wish she knew what I knew about me, she didn't know how to do those things herself. And, it takes a lot of experience to know how to give that kind of feedback without tearing someone down.

My advice outside my anecdote is to encourage your daughter to be involved in as many clubs as she can be. I tried to do so much. I failed at soccer and cheerleading, but I maintained more than 13 activities per year. I was happy, even though now I know I probably should have been sad because of situations. So funny, I don't know how I came out of that tunnel feeling like I grew up happy.

Good luck, OP.

And for a different perspective - by the time I was in college I had done a 180 socially...and still dressed like garbage, didn't know how to do makeup, and had bad hair. Kindess, confidence and time did wonders for me

[Anonymous]

My DS is sort of in this boat. A smart kid, plays sports etc, but somehow seems to be a social pariah. I have no idea what to tell him other than it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee there are other quirky kids out there feeling the same as she does, you guys just need to find them. Drama club is always a good place to start (I should know, I was a theatre geek!). Also any kind of science club if she likes science. Art lessons, anything where the offbeat is appreciated.

Oh and please tell her from me, it gets better. I didn't fit in either, and now my life is so amazing. =)

What do you do now if you don't mind me asking?

Not the PP. But I was pretty much a social pariah. No one wanted to hang out with me. I had zero friends outside of school in middle school. I did school activities, but the people in the activities would hang out without me.

I really came out of my shell in high school. Was on student council, led a couple of organizations. Since then I have had zero shortage of friends and was well liked throughout college and law school. After middle school, I found that people cared more whether you were nice and fun to be around rather than "cool". I was friends with the bookworms, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the jocks, etc. Because of my own experiences being left out, I made a point of being nice to everyone. By high school my parents were concerned that I had too many social obligations. That problem persists today

This is what is key, IMO. And, why it's somewhat important to make sure your kid knows that middle school isn't really what life is like. Being surrounded by 11-13 year old kids who are hormonal and insecure themselves.

As you get older, the stuff that mattered so much in middle school becomes much less important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee there are other quirky kids out there feeling the same as she does, you guys just need to find them. Drama club is always a good place to start (I should know, I was a theatre geek!). Also any kind of science club if she likes science. Art lessons, anything where the offbeat is appreciated.

Oh and please tell her from me, it gets better. I didn't fit in either, and now my life is so amazing. =)

What do you do now if you don't mind me asking?

Not the PP. But I was pretty much a social pariah. No one wanted to hang out with me. I had zero friends outside of school in middle school. I did school activities, but the people in the activities would hang out without me.

I really came out of my shell in high school. Was on student council, led a couple of organizations. Since then I have had zero shortage of friends and was well liked throughout college and law school. After middle school, I found that people cared more whether you were nice and fun to be around rather than "cool". I was friends with the bookworms, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the jocks, etc. Because of my own experiences being left out, I made a point of being nice to everyone. By high school my parents were concerned that I had too many social obligations. That problem persists today

This is what is key, IMO. And, why it's somewhat important to make sure your kid knows that middle school isn't really what life is like. Being surrounded by 11-13 year old kids who are hormonal and insecure themselves.

As you get older, the stuff that mattered so much in middle school becomes much less important.

So true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have the social skills to make friends? There are social skills groups for middle school girls (and other ages as well). Google it and you'll find something.

Agree'd.