Middle school daughter has never been to a class mate's party or sleepover,I'm worried

[Anonymous]

DD is 13, rather introverted and quirky. She expresses to me frequently that she's lonely and doesn't really fit in. She has never really had any close friends. Recently, some girls were talking about a party that she didn't get invited to, but her cousin did. This happens frequently, as her cousin is more well liked, athletic, etc. I honestly don't know what to do. Her sister that's 4 years younger is definitely part of the popular crowd and doesn't have issues related to this at all. We've tried counseling and it's helped her to express her feelings. but she feels like she'll have to conform to fit in

[Anonymous]

Can she join drama or another club to make friends that way?

[Anonymous]

What happens when she has a party and invites people and when you go to school events, like family night?

[Anonymous]

I guarantee there are other quirky kids out there feeling the same as she does, you guys just need to find them. Drama club is always a good place to start (I should know, I was a theatre geek!). Also any kind of science club if she likes science. Art lessons, anything where the offbeat is appreciated.

Oh and please tell her from me, it gets better. I didn't fit in either, and now my life is so amazing. =)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she join drama or another club to make friends that way?

She's apart of clubs at school, she just doesn't hang out with anyone outside of school. Mostly her cousins.
Also, her birthday is mid summer so she's never had the opportunity to have a non family party.

[Anonymous]

I'd try finding her niche via extracurriculars that aren't athletics/sports.

What appeals to her? There are STEM programs especially tailored for girls. Photography, drama, music?

Also, I would try to encourage her to do one-on-one get togethers. If she doesn't have close friends, this may try a scatter shot approach. Ask potential friend A for movies a week from now, ask potential friend B for pizza the next week, potential friend C for bowling. This can be demoralizing for a kid b/c sometimes kids say no b/c they truly are busy, not just b/c they aren't interested. Wash, rinse, repeat. Space out invitations, e.g., don't ask the same kid week after week. Also, three strikes and you're out rule; if she's asked a kid at least thee different times, and they haven't reciprocated, then they're probably not interested.

I know people say let it be, but some kids needs a little more help in navigating social skills until they build confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee there are other quirky kids out there feeling the same as she does, you guys just need to find them. Drama club is always a good place to start (I should know, I was a theatre geek!). Also any kind of science club if she likes science. Art lessons, anything where the offbeat is appreciated.

Oh and please tell her from me, it gets better. I didn't fit in either, and now my life is so amazing. =)

What do you do now if you don't mind me asking?

[Anonymous]

Does she have the social skills to make friends? There are social skills groups for middle school girls (and other ages as well). Google it and you'll find something.

[Anonymous]

A mid-summer birthday does not preclude a school party, OP. All the summer birthday kids I know have parties either at the start or end of the school year.

Your DD has to learn to engage with people and organize outings, if no one is willing to include her in stuff they organize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee there are other quirky kids out there feeling the same as she does, you guys just need to find them. Drama club is always a good place to start (I should know, I was a theatre geek!). Also any kind of science club if she likes science. Art lessons, anything where the offbeat is appreciated.

Oh and please tell her from me, it gets better. I didn't fit in either, and now my life is so amazing. =)

What do you do now if you don't mind me asking?

Professional writer. I know from quirky. =) Terrific marriage, good kid. Naturally there are bad days and problems but all in all, life is great.

[Anonymous]

Have her invite a friend to the movies

[Anonymous]

Pro writer poster, wanted to add, when I was 13 and eating lunch by myself YET AGAIN and hoping no boys would make fun of me (they liked to bark at me) I could never imagined that I would be me now. It DOES get better, and I wish I could tell all the lunch alone kids out there that and have them believe me. *sigh*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A mid-summer birthday does not preclude a school party, OP. All the summer birthday kids I know have parties either at the start or end of the school year.

Your DD has to learn to engage with people and organize outings, if no one is willing to include her in stuff they organize.

I think her issue is that she's trying to force friendships. She's a very smart girl and most of the kids in her classes are popular and she's not. So she has a very small group to befriend. She's also special needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A mid-summer birthday does not preclude a school party, OP. All the summer birthday kids I know have parties either at the start or end of the school year.

Your DD has to learn to engage with people and organize outings, if no one is willing to include her in stuff they organize.

I think her issue is that she's trying to force friendships. She's a very smart girl and most of the kids in her classes are popular and she's not. So she has a very small group to befriend. She's also special needs

You are kind of hiding the ball here. Is it possible she's on the spectrum? The suggestion of a social skills group is a good one. And if you think she's becoming depressed get her help because girls don't often say anything, they may not understand it themselves, until it becomes crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pro writer poster, wanted to add, when I was 13 and eating lunch by myself YET AGAIN and hoping no boys would make fun of me (they liked to bark at me) I could never imagined that I would be me now. It DOES get better, and I wish I could tell all the lunch alone kids out there that and have them believe me. *sigh*

NP here. I remember sometime around middle school or early high school being pretty miserable, and stumbling on an Erma Bonbeck piece (does anyone else remember her?!). It somehow went through the story of her life, with a recurring theme of "the best is yet to be". For some reason it really resonated with me and gave me much hope for my future when I was in a dark place. For those of us who are smart and quirky and not clued in on how to be popular in school, I think it does help to know that there's a world ahead where things will be better.