Middle school daughter has never been to a class mate's party or sleepover,I'm worried

[Anonymous]

I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

Her middle school has about 300 kids. I think a medium sized or large high school will be a good fit for her. Something that I have thought about for the near future

[Anonymous]

Girl Scouts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

There is some interesting research that has come out in the last month that argues that larger highschools increase the amount of self-sorting kids do because size allows more of each type. Smaller schools just may not have enough goths or whatever subtype to create a clique. However what I have experienced with my child is that size does not matter, she struggles with social skills and kids know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

There is some interesting research that has come out in the last month that argues that larger highschools increase the amount of self-sorting kids do because size allows more of each type. Smaller schools just may not have enough goths or whatever subtype to create a clique. However what I have experienced with my child is that size does not matter, she struggles with social skills and kids know it.

OP here, looks like our kids are in the same boat. I believe DD will be more confident in a place where there are more kids that walk to the beat of their own drum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

My middle school was 300 kids for three grades and I was MISERABLE. If it had been bigger, I might have had more of a chance of finding my tribe, as I did in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

My middle school was 300 kids for three grades and I was MISERABLE. If it had been bigger, I might have had more of a chance of finding my tribe, as I did in high school.

I had thesame experience with middle school and high school since I'm from a small town. College was a bit better. Hence, OP a bigger school may be a better fit.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you hanging out with your friends? Do you have your friends over in your house frequently? Do they come with kids? Do you go out together with your child and your friends? I think modeling a good friendship relations helps your child better then any therapy. We always have people ove0 r, close friends and co workers for dinners, neighbor and close friends for wine and snack, or just coffee and cake. All the time. It is nothing formal, some of them happens very spontaneously and we either have to share leftovers or make a dinner for a crowd in 30 min. We moved several times, and my kids were in very large and very small schools. Never problems making friends. It is not a school size, it is child's skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you hanging out with your friends? Do you have your friends over in your house frequently? Do they come with kids? Do you go out together with your child and your friends? I think modeling a good friendship relations helps your child better then any therapy. We always have people ove0 r, close friends and co workers for dinners, neighbor and close friends for wine and snack, or just coffee and cake. All the time. It is nothing formal, some of them happens very spontaneously and we either have to share leftovers or make a dinner for a crowd in 30 min. We moved several times, and my kids were in very large and very small schools. Never problems making friends. It is not a school size, it is child's skills.

To PP ^^ I think you are very lucky to have a social network like this. I wonder how common it is.,,,

DH had 4 couples with children we would socialize often with. Usually nearly every weekend we did something with a family. (Hike or have dinner together) But then one divorced and three moved out of the area. Our kids grew up - 3rd and 7th grade and families seem really busy just living their life with swim lessons, chores, family time, ballet lessons etc... and I feel like we haven't found new families. But could it be that most families with similar aged children are busy just growing up and don't have time to socialize? I'm just really missing socializing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you hanging out with your friends? Do you have your friends over in your house frequently? Do they come with kids? Do you go out together with your child and your friends? I think modeling a good friendship relations helps your child better then any therapy. We always have people ove0 r, close friends and co workers for dinners, neighbor and close friends for wine and snack, or just coffee and cake. All the time. It is nothing formal, some of them happens very spontaneously and we either have to share leftovers or make a dinner for a crowd in 30 min. We moved several times, and my kids were in very large and very small schools. Never problems making friends. It is not a school size, it is child's skills.

I agree with this. I was the troop leader of both of my kid's girl scouts troops. My husband coached my one daughter's softball team and my son's baseball team. We had gatherings a lot in our house - july 4th party, holiday party, kids halloween parties. Sleepovers for the kids, camping out in the backyard. Adult only appetizer/wine night. My kids always had friends around from a very early age and have kept up some of them quite well. Even though some kids are branching off in middle and high school, having those gathering here and there really keep the kids connected too. Plus it shows you have to make an effort to maintain friends. They don't just come in a box and are yours to keep forever. Social skills need to be taught and showing by example is the best way. If you never socialize, your kids might not either.

[Anonymous]

this isn't a bad thing. She is avoiding a lot of the drama and gossip that causes a lot fo issues in middle school.

I am fine with my kids missing a lot of the social things because we are doing other things and then the stories you hear after are just awful and glad my kids were not part of it.

[Anonymous]

Came across this website because I worry a lot about my quirky 7th grade DD.
Maybe it will help you a little.
http://www.succeedsocially.com/helpolderteenager

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you hanging out with your friends? Do you have your friends over in your house frequently? Do they come with kids? Do you go out together with your child and your friends? I think modeling a good friendship relations helps your child better then any therapy. We always have people ove0 r, close friends and co workers for dinners, neighbor and close friends for wine and snack, or just coffee and cake. All the time. It is nothing formal, some of them happens very spontaneously and we either have to share leftovers or make a dinner for a crowd in 30 min. We moved several times, and my kids were in very large and very small schools. Never problems making friends. It is not a school size, it is child's skills.

I agree with this. I was the troop leader of both of my kid's girl scouts troops. My husband coached my one daughter's softball team and my son's baseball team. We had gatherings a lot in our house - july 4th party, holiday party, kids halloween parties. Sleepovers for the kids, camping out in the backyard. Adult only appetizer/wine night. My kids always had friends around from a very early age and have kept up some of them quite well. Even though some kids are branching off in middle and high school, having those gathering here and there really keep the kids connected too. Plus it shows you have to make an effort to maintain friends. They don't just come in a box and are yours to keep forever. Social skills need to be taught and showing by example is the best way. If you never socialize, your kids might not either.

NP here -

Wow - I don't know how you do it but for me just raising two girls and keeping a house is tiring.
I'm feeling quite guilty recently wondering if I could/should have done more socializing, move closer to family, etc... when my kids were in early elementary school and then they would have more friends now.
But at the same time I wonder how many families really lead the social life the PP described.

Anyone else care to describe how much they socialize...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this op. My daughter basically told me she is defective because no one would want to bond with her as a friend. I have started a therapist because every suggestion I make pretty much enrages her because how could I possibly understand. I do, I was that kid myself chubby and overly intellectual, but wow it is just an awful period.

From my reading and her therapist I have been told to a certain extent she needs to find her tribe. So the advice to find common experiences is a good one. I have also been told social causes are often useful meeting points- volunteering usually means something in common and provides neutral meet up spaces.

All I can say is middle school just sucks...

I wonder if middle schools were smaller - like 500-600 kids instead of 1000, would middle school be so hard?

My middle school was 300 kids for three grades and I was MISERABLE. If it had been bigger, I might have had more of a chance of finding my tribe, as I did in high school.

+1, Mine was less then that and my high school was only 400. I did better in HS but really did not grow to be confident in my self until college (15k+, public state U).