Hostile pre-teen: Any reviews on "The Total Transformation Program"?
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Anonymous
+1, as well. |
Anonymous
I am not sure if I can remember everything, but here is some: Trips -- as mentioned before, we did couple big trips just me and her (I took her to Paris, then in the same year we went to Brussels and Holland, and last year we went to Portugal). We also did several small trips with her (weekend in NYC and saw Broadway show). Kennedy center -- we always go to see ballet or opera together in a winter time. My husband not a big fan of the theatre, and younger was too young to take her with us, so it always was our thing, with café visit prior to the theatre. Took a knitting class together and made hats and scarfs for each other. I thought it was very helpful in this days of a very fast pace and constant race between work, school, sports -- to sit down and do something in the slow pace. Ice scating trips in winter with café afterword. We do go ice scating as a whole family too, but we also did just two of us trips. I think she always enjoyed those much better. I started encouraging having a "tea time" together wherever we can. Just to sit down for tea and snack for 20-30 min. She was rejecting it for a long time, but eventually got used to that, and now we are having almost every other day. Run 5K Color Run race together -- it was fun! It was five of her girlfriends and only me and one more mom who did it. Manicure and pedicure -- we do occasionally go together as a special treatment. I started reading teenage books to better understand her. I just felt at some point of time that she is getting more distant from me (somewhere around age of 10, which is probably normal part of the development). I didn't go to school in US, so it was interesting for me what are they reading as part of the school curriculum. And then Hunger Games came out, so I ended up reading it too. It helps to have something to talk about with pre-teen. It became a habit now to discuss books together. She now picks up books that I read (she just read Gone GIrl, which I think was a little bit too early for her to read, but it was on my Kindle and I talked so much about it, that she ended up reading it too). Generally I think its finding any activity and time to spend together (not as a whole family, but just mom-daughter) what matters. We have a 5 year younger girl, and I think for several years older was pushed away. But around her 10 y.o. birthday I suddenly realized how much more she needs me than younger child. She is 14 now, and going through a lot of changes in her body. I think having close relations with mom at this age is vital. |
Anonymous
| There are good and bad psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers. It depends on their training, their practicums, where they went to school, and their methods. |
Anonymous
Great job OP. I had a similar experience with my 9 yr old boy. Always difficult and prickly but basically fine. He encountered a health condition last year that finally prompted me to take him to talk to someone. He loved it!! He's younger but I basically told him "i've been giving you advice about xxx, and I'm not sure I'm right so I want to go with you to talk to an expert about it." He responded enthusiastically, In future conversations, admitting you don't have all the answers will let your daughter know that its ok to ask for help. Moreover, it indicates that you're on her side and want to work with her to make your family happier for everyone. The anxiety suggestion also ring true to me. You have to remember that the nastiness some kids display is often a symptom of some other feeling they're not expressing. Just learning to express those feelings in words might do wonders. In boys anxiety = pysical agression to exert some control. Your DD may be doing the same thing. |
Anonymous
| OP here -- had the first meeting. Went really well. DH and I are going to go for several sessions to learn how to appreciate DD for who she is but also learn how to hear the anxiety and not respond to it as a personal attack... but also not let her hide behind the anxiety (negativity). DD is going to start a "girls social confidence" group in Jan. DD liked the counselor, so I think it could be a good thing for her. |
Anonymous
| Fantastic, OP. This will make everyone's life better in the long run. |
Anonymous
| Some books that have been helpful for my child who is similar. Lost in school--about collaborative problem solving--or other books on CPS by Ross Greene. The Kazdin Method. Having her see a cognitive behavioral therapist to help manage emotions and reactions. Mindfulness for teens. Sounds like you are off to a good start. Do not start with a psychiatrist. |
Anonymous
| Also the classic How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen So your Kids will Talk. |
Anonymous
| I don't make any special outings with my kids like we are on a reality tv show. I just listen and spend time with them. I'm always home when they come home from school and I think that helps. I ask them questions and let them talk. I ask them what they want to do, rather than planning things to the hilt to make up for lost time. Most of the time, they just want to chill out at home or practice sports. |
Anonymous
I'm glad the first meeting went well for you and your family! WOuld you mind sharing about anxiety and the effects it has on your daughter? We may be dealing with anxiety with our pre-teen and am trying to read what I can.... Thanks. |
Anonymous
I'm a clinical psychologist and it sounds like you have innacurate information about our level of education and training. A clinical psychologist has a doctorate in psychology, which takes anywhere from 5-6 years to complete, on average. We also have many years of clinical experience in clinics, hospitals, agencies and schools seeing patients with mental health problems under intensive supervision, including a year-long full time clinical internship. Before we can be licensed we have to pass a rigorous national exam and log anywhere from an additional 1-2 years of supervised practice. We certainly aren't medical doctors, however we are experts in behavioral health and must take classes in psychopharmacology, research methods, testing and the biological bases of behavior and mental illness. We're not better than psychiatrists. We complement their strengths and work along side of them for the good of the patient. |
Anonymous
I'm not really sure yet-- I have to learn more in the sessions. The counselor said that some kids are "yes" kids and some kids are "no" kids. DD is definitely a "no." That is her first response to almost anything. But, if I get her to do something that she said "no" to doing, she will likely have a good time. She is likely to quit things or give up easily -- that is because of anxiety (according to the counselor). Transitions are bad... i.e. she doesn't like to change what she is doing. DD has always been prickly. I mean, always. I guess the counselor is saying that DD's natural reaction to life is to bristle and that is a sign of anxiety. It's kind of mixed in with being an introvert too and preferring books or staying home alone to engaging with people/activities. DD is not "anxious" or crying or anything at home. Saying "no" to things is her way of exerting power when she feels insecure about how to handle something. I'm not sure how the negative attitude of "why do I have to do everything" or "everyone else gets ahead of me" fits into this. But, I definitely see her inability to assert herself in social situations resulting in her getting the "crumbs" and then she feel like the victim... so, I guess, the anxiety affects the social interactions which re-enforce negative self perceptions which fuel anxiety? |