Hostile pre-teen: Any reviews on "The Total Transformation Program"?

[Anonymous]

DD has always been difficult, resistant, prickly even as a baby. Now that she's almost 11, it's just getting worse. She sees herself as the victim and everyone else is out to offend or hurt her. I see her in group situations and she creates situations where she is the last or the one who doesn't get ____ b/c she doesn't step up. It's like she's passively setting herself up to get the short end of the stick.... and then she complains about missing something that everyone else got. She is routinely hostile to me and yet, at bedtime, she doesn't want me to leave her. Sassy with me and generally selfish or bossy when it comes to her brother.

I just think it can't be good for her to approach life this way (from a social perspective) and it can't be good for her brain development and sense of self to always be so angry (internally).

In googling hostile tweens, I came across this "Total Transformation" program. Has anyone tried it?

[Anonymous]

I haven't used the program but yes, it would likely work if you really committed to it AND you sought therapy for your child's anxiety. She can't step up because she is too anxious. She is defensive because she is too anxious. She learned to cope with anxiety by acting the way she does.

[Anonymous]

I would get her therapy.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think you should self-treat her. She needs a full evaluation from by a psychiatrist. This kind of behavior could easily be a reflection of depression or anxiety. In kids it often comes out as anger. And, yes, some are just wired to have these issues. The tell is that she doesn't want you to leave her at night.

[Anonymous]

OP here --Thanks. After resisting therapy for years (she's just a less than perfect kid, right? -- she'll mature out of it?) ... I just made a request for an appointment. I don't like to run to any kind of dr. for something that might resolve itself... but I guess it's worth a shot.

[Anonymous]

Seems like she is lacking in self confidence and she seems insecure. She needs your support and for you to be less critical of her. Can you post anything positive about her? Seems like you have a low opinion of her...

[Anonymous]

People tend to re-create or set up situations to work out needs that they have. Your daughter feels excluded and she feels one-down. You see this as self-created. Okay, suppose for the sake of argument it is self-created misery. So what? She's miserable.

Work on the misery. I think she sounds depressed and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like classic anxiety to me.

[Anonymous]

your description sounds like an unhappy child, rather than a hostile child.

good luck, and yes it sounds like she needs therapy.

not all therapists are good or a good fit, so if she doesn't like her therapist, get a different one.

[Anonymous]

THis sounds like me when I was in junior high and high school. I was shy and lonely at school, didn't feel included even when I was and difficult, nasty and unpleasant to be around at home.
My parents just ignored me a lot, were critical, yelled and bossed me around which made me feel very unloved.

As an adult, I have a hard time feeling connected to friends even though I am married with 2 girls. I can be critical of my older daughter and I feel awful when I get on her case. I'm getting much better because I am aware so I acknowledge to her that I am trying to be a better mom.

Looking back I wished my mom sought professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has always been difficult, resistant, prickly even as a baby. Now that she's almost 11, it's just getting worse. She sees herself as the victim and everyone else is out to offend or hurt her. I see her in group situations and she creates situations where she is the last or the one who doesn't get ____ b/c she doesn't step up. It's like she's passively setting herself up to get the short end of the stick.... and then she complains about missing something that everyone else got. She is routinely hostile to me and yet, at bedtime, she doesn't want me to leave her. Sassy with me and generally selfish or bossy when it comes to her brother.

I just think it can't be good for her to approach life this way (from a social perspective) and it can't be good for her brain development and sense of self to always be so angry (internally).

In googling hostile tweens, I came across this "Total Transformation" program. Has anyone tried it?

Get it for yourself. You need a total transformation so you can stop hating the person that your daughter is. Based on what you have written, probably favor your son and she can tell. She sounds insecure and lacking in self esteem. She's probably hostile towards you because of your general attitude of her. You seem to have a complete negative opinion of your daughter. Love her and build her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here --Thanks. After resisting therapy for years (she's just a less than perfect kid, right? -- she'll mature out of it?) ... I just made a request for an appointment. I don't like to run to any kind of dr. for something that might resolve itself... but I guess it's worth a shot.

OP, if you had a complicated situation with regard to your taxes for 2014, you'd hire an accountant, right? And would you worry about being reliant on the accountant after you got the situation sorted out? This is also a complicated situation. True, it might resolve itself but why not get some professional advice, in case it doesn't?

~speaking as someone who had a rough adolescence and did therapy which helped me have a strong, flourishing adulthood. I found it was better to have a difficult time in adolescence and address it in therapy than it would have been to wait until I was an adult, when it's harder to change and adjust.

[Anonymous]

Clinical psychologist first, not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist may push unnecessary meds.

[Anonymous]

I just want to commend all the PPs expressing concern for this girl's mental health. Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has always been difficult, resistant, prickly even as a baby. Now that she's almost 11, it's just getting worse. She sees herself as the victim and everyone else is out to offend or hurt her. I see her in group situations and she creates situations where she is the last or the one who doesn't get ____ b/c she doesn't step up. It's like she's passively setting herself up to get the short end of the stick.... and then she complains about missing something that everyone else got. She is routinely hostile to me and yet, at bedtime, she doesn't want me to leave her. Sassy with me and generally selfish or bossy when it comes to her brother.

I just think it can't be good for her to approach life this way (from a social perspective) and it can't be good for her brain development and sense of self to always be so angry (internally).

In googling hostile tweens, I came across this "Total Transformation" program. Has anyone tried it?

Glad you have set up therapy- ii agree it sounds like anxiety, but it also sounds like extremely poor social skills. Granted the social skills and anxiety go together. I would consider something targeted toward executive functioning and social skills.