Hostile pre-teen: Any reviews on "The Total Transformation Program"?

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to put your mind around the fact that seeking therapy is not failure. It sounds like she has needed it for some time. I also think you need therapy yourself to learn new ways of interacting with her. It does sound like you are very critical. Sometimes we get in these patterns and don't realize how much better things could be if we try a different approach.

I find it odd that you use the word "hostile" to describe her. Even though she's hostile to you, that is not at all what comes across in your description. I would have used the word "unhappy". Kids always take their unhappiness out on the people they feel safest with. Come to think of it, adults do to. But everything else you describe, setting herself up for failure, being overly sensitive to rejection, clinging to you at night, none of this sounds like hostility. I wonder why you focused on that word.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think it's good. I will warn you: the transformation is YOURS--it's more about how you respond to hostile behavior.

[Anonymous]

As a mom of two girls, I am finding out that daughters are often a reflection of our own insecurities. Its funny that I would never notice certain things about myself, until I start seeing it in my girls behaviour. And when I question them why would they act that way, I heard couple times a shocking response "You doing it!". Seeking a therapy may be a good idea, but don't think it can fix everything. Start working on your habits too. Also, when my older were a pre-teen, there were some time when I felt she really needed me more than a younger child (I think around 10-11). Thanks to my husband being very supportive a taking care of the younger at that time, we were able to do couple mom-daughter trips just with my older one. It really helped her to open up and improved our relations tremendously. Good luck and be patient!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clinical psychologist first, not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist may push unnecessary meds.

*sigh* completely untrue.

[Anonymous]

A psychiatrist will have a medical degree and 3-4 years of medical residency under grueling, punishing conditions, seeing all sorts of actual patients in a medical setting with supervising physicians so that they will really have an educated, informed approach to what is going on both physically, biologically, as well as psychologically with your child, but carry on thinking a psychologist that went to 'grad school' for a year is 'just as good or better'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A psychiatrist will have a medical degree and 3-4 years of medical residency under grueling, punishing conditions, seeing all sorts of actual patients in a medical setting with supervising physicians so that they will really have an educated, informed approach to what is going on both physically, biologically, as well as psychologically with your child, but carry on thinking a psychologist that went to 'grad school' for a year is 'just as good or better'.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here: I told DD that we are going to work on communicating better and we're going to see someone who can help us. Immediately, she said "no! I love you... I appreciate you." And since then, she's all about how she appreciates me (with a wink). We're still going, but I think she is getting the message that her tone/words are not o.k. and I mean it. This practice also has social confidence groups for girls and drama groups, so whether it is individual or group therapy, there is probably something that would work for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A psychiatrist will have a medical degree and 3-4 years of medical residency under grueling, punishing conditions, seeing all sorts of actual patients in a medical setting with supervising physicians so that they will really have an educated, informed approach to what is going on both physically, biologically, as well as psychologically with your child, but carry on thinking a psychologist that went to 'grad school' for a year is 'just as good or better'.

Do you really think psychologists go to graduate school for just a year? PhD programs take just a little bit longer than that, PP.

It's preferable to start with a therapist and possibly your pediatrician, and then later, if seeing a psychiatrist is indicated, to get a referral to a good one who specializes in kids and adolescents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of two girls, I am finding out that daughters are often a reflection of our own insecurities. Its funny that I would never notice certain things about myself, until I start seeing it in my girls behaviour. And when I question them why would they act that way, I heard couple times a shocking response "You doing it!". Seeking a therapy may be a good idea, but don't think it can fix everything. Start working on your habits too. Also, when my older were a pre-teen, there were some time when I felt she really needed me more than a younger child (I think around 10-11). Thanks to my husband being very supportive a taking care of the younger at that time, we were able to do couple mom-daughter trips just with my older one. It really helped her to open up and improved our relations tremendously. Good luck and be patient!

^^PP: besides mother-daughter trips, how else did you strengthen your relationship with your daughter?
I have a 10 year old DD and am trying to build a strong and trustworthy relationship with her before the teen years.

SUggestions from others are welcomed too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I told DD that we are going to work on communicating better and we're going to see someone who can help us. Immediately, she said "no! I love you... I appreciate you." And since then, she's all about how she appreciates me (with a wink). We're still going, but I think she is getting the message that her tone/words are not o.k. and I mean it. This practice also has social confidence groups for girls and drama groups, so whether it is individual or group therapy, there is probably something that would work for us.

That's good op! Let me tell you something that happened to me in my adolescence (I'm a 34 yo female). I had a HORRIBLE relationship with my mom and it still isn't very good. Well when I was about 9, she started pushing therapy because I had depression. I had been sexually abused and she didn't know about it yet. Well, when she talked about counseling, I resisted, but she brought me anyways. She would ask the therapist right in front of me "what is wrong with her? I don't understand her" and stuff like that. It made it really hard and it felt like it was all about my mom getting someone to analyze me and that I was the problem. I ended up running out of most sessions crying while the session hadn't ended yet. It was a disaster and only made things worse in our relationship. I lost all trust for my mother because of this.

It's good that you said you are going to "see someone who can help us". And about working on communication. You're making it about both of you and not her being the problem. I would suggest that she gets to have some control over the scheduling of therapy, who the therapist is and how often you go together/alone. Make sure she doesn't feel like she is going because you think there is something wrong with her and that it is to help your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op here -- 12:35 -- that was a big concern for me b/c I don't want DD to think that I think she's defective or that I'm taking her to someone to fix her. When I said that to the intake person, she gave me those words to use about working on improving our communication. I didn't think of that myself. I'm sure this practice -- which is focused on kids--- has a plan for keeping the parents in the mix. I know our first meeting is me with the counselor for 30-40 min. and then DD with the counselor for 30 min. or so... and then a plan is created (if necessary). So, DD won't be hearing what I have to say directly.

[Anonymous]

PP what happened to you violated basic confidentiality. There is no way a parent should even be in the room. Any therapist who allows this is someone you should avoid. As for seeing a psychologist, the good ones would recommend medication if needed (with a referral) so in practice it doesn't really matter on this point. I prefer psychiatrists because the one I've seen was just better than previous psychologists, she had more expertise.

OP I'm glad things are a bit better but you still seem to be saying the problem is communication between the two of you. The problem is underlying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP what happened to you violated basic confidentiality. There is no way a parent should even be in the room. Any therapist who allows this is someone you should avoid. As for seeing a psychologist, the good ones would recommend medication if needed (with a referral) so in practice it doesn't really matter on this point. I prefer psychiatrists because the one I've seen was just better than previous psychologists, she had more expertise.

OP I'm glad things are a bit better but you still seem to be saying the problem is communication between the two of you. The problem is underlying that.

I agree -- but I'm not the one who can define it any better than that. That's why we're seeing the counselor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here -- 12:35 -- that was a big concern for me b/c I don't want DD to think that I think she's defective or that I'm taking her to someone to fix her. When I said that to the intake person, she gave me those words to use about working on improving our communication. I didn't think of that myself. I'm sure this practice -- which is focused on kids--- has a plan for keeping the parents in the mix. I know our first meeting is me with the counselor for 30-40 min. and then DD with the counselor for 30 min. or so... and then a plan is created (if necessary). So, DD won't be hearing what I have to say directly.

Hi op, it's 12:35. Sounds like you really care about you and your daughters relationship. What you are doing isn't easy, and I really hope you find a great therapist who can help both of you. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP what happened to you violated basic confidentiality. There is no way a parent should even be in the room. Any therapist who allows this is someone you should avoid. As for seeing a psychologist, the good ones would recommend medication if needed (with a referral) so in practice it doesn't really matter on this point. I prefer psychiatrists because the one I've seen was just better than previous psychologists, she had more expertise.

OP I'm glad things are a bit better but you still seem to be saying the problem is communication between the two of you. The problem is underlying that.

I'm not sure if you are addressing me, but I think you are, and I totally agree with you! But that was how they did it. They probably spoke to us separately too, but I really don't remeber too well. It seems like I blocked a lot of memories from that time. Op sounds like she is handling her situation much better, so that should not be a problem for her. I just wanted to share my experience because I'm not really sure if it was typical or not (having parent and child in the room together). My mother may not have known what she was doing was so harmful, but it was, so I just wanted to share.