S/O - anyone ever reversed a non-physical marriage?

[Anonymous]

Exactly. You would be the last to know.
1) It's amazing how people find time to have sex with someone they want to.
2) Someone *else* complimenting her body will work for her in ways that you complimenting her body will never work.

You see, in point number two, she believes you have to say it. The other guy "wants" to say it. She doesn't even care if he's saying it just to get laid. She feels "special."

It's a shame, but cliché.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

The common denominator? You. Chew on that, honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

5+ years and he refuses to see the doctor out of embarrassment. The toll on my self esteem is indescribable.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

The common denominator? You. Chew on that, honey.

This person's an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

The common denominator? You. Chew on that, honey.

Do you think the same thing about man whose wives don't want to have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many women marry men who they're not necessarily highly attracted to in the first place, even before kids, because they are compatible in other important ways. But if sex wasn't ever one of the things connecting them to their partner then there's nothing to rekindle later when life becomes more stressful and they're feeling disconnected from their partner. I believe that if a sexual spark was there in the beginning it can be jump started, but if it was never there then it never will be.

I think this is entirely accurate. I honestly would not care if my husband had an affair. Let him do what he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many women marry men who they're not necessarily highly attracted to in the first place, even before kids, because they are compatible in other important ways. But if sex wasn't ever one of the things connecting them to their partner then there's nothing to rekindle later when life becomes more stressful and they're feeling disconnected from their partner. I believe that if a sexual spark was there in the beginning it can be jump started, but if it was never there then it never will be.

I think this is entirely accurate. I honestly would not care if my husband had an affair. Let him do what he needs.

But isn't this what marriage was all about before the 20th century-people would marry for pragmatic reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

You are in the cliché situation of being cheated on. Being a good dad and husband (so you say, anyway) but, for whatever reason, she doesn't view you as the exciting, anamialistic, passionate partner. That's the other guy.

Not saying this is what's going on, but it sure follows that pattern. And if you say, "Trust me, she would not be able to find the time to do that," you've simply *continued* the pattern, rather than state a good counter-example.

Let's face it, and no matter how unpopular this opinion is, both men and women often look at members of the opposite sex as either 1) good person, good qualities, not much excitement, good partner or 2) sexy, exciting, unpredictable, uninhibited. The problem is, each type of person's traits is mostly mutually exclusive of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

You are in the cliché situation of being cheated on. Being a good dad and husband (so you say, anyway) but, for whatever reason, she doesn't view you as the exciting, anamialistic, passionate partner. That's the other guy.

Not saying this is what's going on, but it sure follows that pattern. And if you say, "Trust me, she would not be able to find the time to do that," you've simply *continued* the pattern, rather than state a good counter-example.

Let's face it, and no matter how unpopular this opinion is, both men and women often look at members of the opposite sex as either 1) good person, good qualities, not much excitement, good partner or 2) sexy, exciting, unpredictable, uninhibited. The problem is, each type of person's traits is mostly mutually exclusive of the other.

Count my vote on the agree side. Who doesn't agree with this? You give up one or the other. Or you delude yourself.

[Anonymous]

I disagree - if my wife were dependable, predictable, and stable but enthusiastic about sex, I'd find that incredibly sexy. I don't think I'm an outlier.

Whereas I think it's more common for a wife to be bored and not sexually attracted to a man who is dependable, stable, and predictable regardless of whether he's enthusiastic about sex.

[Anonymous]

We were able to do it. It took effort on both of your parts, but it wasn't just about the sex. We focused on spending more time together and the sex followed.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We were able to do it, but I think that my wife hit her late 30s and for whatever reason became more interested. I think that this happens to many women (from what I hear).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But isn't this what marriage was all about before the 20th century-people would marry for pragmatic reasons?

That sounds mangled, but yes. Before romantic marriage or love-matches became common (in the 20th century) as the primary reason to marry a particular partner, people married for pragmatic reasons. And yes, I think discreet affairs were 'understood' a bit more. At least for men; women were chattel and their sexuality wasn't their own to control...so things were definitely worse in the "good old days".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...hit her late 30s and for whatever reason became more interested. I think that this happens to many women (from what I hear).

This is very common because estrogen starts to decline, and testosterone remains, so their libido climbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean no snarkyness by this question. Can you describe or explain what it is like to be married and sleep in the same bed, share the same breakfast and dinner table, and then not have sex? Don't you even accidentally touch or brush up against each other, and get aroused? I would think that sleeping in the same bed you would be turned on enough? Or is it that you don't like your spouse anymore ore you feel contempt toward them?

DH and I are in our late and mid 50s, respectively. We don't touch each other much, and I rarely feel aroused (by him). When I go to bed, I am TIRED. When I was younger I was a very sexual person, but these days I feel very little in that regard.

I don't like him much most days, and yes, i feel some contempt. He is not kind to me. He has a chronic illness that gives him physical characteristics that make him very unappealing, physically. He could, but chooses not to do something about some of them.

So there we are.