S/O - anyone ever reversed a non-physical marriage?

[Anonymous]

I mean no snarkyness by this question. Can you describe or explain what it is like to be married and sleep in the same bed, share the same breakfast and dinner table, and then not have sex? Don't you even accidentally touch or brush up against each other, and get aroused? I would think that sleeping in the same bed you would be turned on enough? Or is it that you don't like your spouse anymore ore you feel contempt toward them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean no snarkyness by this question. Can you describe or explain what it is like to be married and sleep in the same bed, share the same breakfast and dinner table, and then not have sex? Don't you even accidentally touch or brush up against each other, and get aroused? I would think that sleeping in the same bed you would be turned on enough? Or is it that you don't like your spouse anymore ore you feel contempt toward them?

I'll try. It started with over 8 happy years together in which sex was probably the least of our compatabilities. We had it somewhat regularly (every 1-2 weeks?) but our happiness together really derived from other things (i knew going in we weren't sexually compatible but was ok with that, even though I was the unsatisfied one). First pregnancy and DH didnt want to touch me even though I was willing/interested. Very bad tearing and scarring of vaginal walls - OB even said he thought sex would be painful, but didnt think surgery would help so the only thing to do was gently loosen the scar tissue; combined with 18mos of nursing, a high needs baby who never slept and a full time job, and I wasnt that interested in trying, and DH didnt push. We started again when we wanted # 2 and got pregnant immediately. Same drill when pregnant, sickly baby who I nursed for almost 2 years, scarring didnt improve with second delivery, life with 2 kids and 2 jobs was crazy, I knew sex would be painful, and it was easy to just let it go. The fog started to lift when DC2 was about 2, and then DH was dealing with some of his own stuff and it had been so long it wasnt like it would just come back naturally. DC2 is 3, and unless you count the couple of unpleasant times when we got pregnant the second time, it's been 5+ years.

I dont feel contempt for DH at all, maybe a little angry about some of his issues and sadness that we have gotten so far apart, but no, physical contact with him doesnt arouse me at all. Now that I'm feeling more myself i masturbate and have fantasies - I'm not asexual for sure, but he just doesnt play a role.

[Anonymous]

Mine has no chance of being reversed. DW married me so she could have babies. The day her tubes were tied I became a co-parent/roommate. What an imbecile i was - thinking I'd see more action once we no longer had to worry about getting pregnant. It's really great to hear that some situations can improve though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

5+ years and he refuses to see the doctor out of embarrassment. The toll on my self esteem is indescribable.

[Anonymous]

PP maybe he could go to a redicare place--i.e. not his regular doctor. Can you suggest couples counseling--or have him choose one or the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

Well said.

+100
Im one of those wives. No idea what to do. We try to talk about it but that seems to make him feel even less confident. Im starting to get resentful now because I don't know why I have to give up this huge part of my life. But I will not leave him over this.

[Anonymous]

I think many women marry men who they're not necessarily highly attracted to in the first place, even before kids, because they are compatible in other important ways. But if sex wasn't ever one of the things connecting them to their partner then there's nothing to rekindle later when life becomes more stressful and they're feeling disconnected from their partner. I believe that if a sexual spark was there in the beginning it can be jump started, but if it was never there then it never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

Well said.

Another +1. Especially if you are a woman who already has body issues, rejection issues, etc.

I got rebuffed when trying to initiate enough times that I finally said to myself, "I'm here, he knows I'm interested, he can make the move." It's like being rejected twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

If you feel like your jumping through a hoop, it probably won't feel that genuinely romantic to her. Maybe reframe your intentions and see where it leads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

If you feel like your jumping through a hoop, it probably won't feel that genuinely romantic to her. Maybe reframe your intentions and see where it leads.

This is just a variant on "if you want sex, you have to do stuff without wanting sex." Fact is, when I put a lot of effort into the marriage without trying to have sex, we have even less sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean no snarkyness by this question. Can you describe or explain what it is like to be married and sleep in the same bed, share the same breakfast and dinner table, and then not have sex? Don't you even accidentally touch or brush up against each other, and get aroused? I would think that sleeping in the same bed you would be turned on enough? Or is it that you don't like your spouse anymore ore you feel contempt toward them?

I started sleeping with my husband 22 years ago. No, sleeping in the same bed is not enough to turn me on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

You are in the cliché situation of being cheated on. Being a good dad and husband (so you say, anyway) but, for whatever reason, she doesn't view you as the exciting, anamialistic, passionate partner. That's the other guy.

Not saying this is what's going on, but it sure follows that pattern. And if you say, "Trust me, she would not be able to find the time to do that," you've simply *continued* the pattern, rather than state a good counter-example.

[Anonymous]

To the women dealing with husband's with ED, are they having a physical problem (diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, etc.) or is it psychological?

In physical issue, treating the symptoms may help (though the meds themselves may cause the problem).

If it's obesity, then that's an "easy" fix. I say easy because, if he's willing to work on his weight, that may fix the situation.

Psychological can be the worst. If a conversation went sour, it will always be in his mind. Worse than that, the situation happening will always be in his mind, even if left unsaid. The whole "please don't happen again" mentality he will undoubtedly have will CAUSE it to happen again.

So, if the problem is most likely psychological, have the talk. Be delicate. See if he's open to you playing with him, even soft. Once he realizes you still want to touch, play, lick, and suck his soft cock, he will soon return to normal.

The more you make a stink about it, the more it will happen and the more he will withdrawal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

You are in the cliché situation of being cheated on. Being a good dad and husband (so you say, anyway) but, for whatever reason, she doesn't view you as the exciting, anamialistic, passionate partner. That's the other guy.

Not saying this is what's going on, but it sure follows that pattern. And if you say, "Trust me, she would not be able to find the time to do that," you've simply *continued* the pattern, rather than state a good counter-example.

My life fits that same pattern as the first quote above. But I recently offered to rebuild romance and she pretty much just said not to bother. She's up her game and have sex more. (She always has to initiate because I got beat down with too much rejection; so, as Larry David once said to his wife, "I'm available.") She won't do it. I've been fooled before. It's completely depressing.

And for the other poster, I guess it's conceivable that she's having an affair. But with her body issues and schedule, I really can't see that. But then I'd be the last to know, wouldn't I?