S/O - anyone ever reversed a non-physical marriage?

[Anonymous]

Its been many years, for various reasons - bad tearing in childbirth that healed poorly, illness, etc. we're past all the (arguably) valid excuses but I'm not sure we can reverse it now that its been so long; at least, the old 'date night' or 'wear sexy clothes' advice isnt going to cut it. Has anyone successfully reversed 5+ years of sexless marriage, and how?

[Anonymous]

No sex at all for 5years?

[Anonymous]

We are in the process of reversing it. We had about 18 months sexless due to problematic pregnancy and newborn stage. And before that wasn't great either - mostly we had sex to try to get pregnant.

We had several very painful and honest conversations where we cleared the air on some of the things that were barriers for us. We agreed we didn't want things to be this way and we made a commitment to do something about it. We committed to once oer week on the weekend during the kids' naps. The first time was awkward and I think we were both nervous. Once we got started it was better. We've stuck with it and it's getting better and feeling less forced.

It's hard but it's been good for us. I'm the one who brought up the topic first and it was awful. I had to force myself. I think he would have let it go on indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I know of people who reversed after more than 7-8 years of sexless marriage.

I personally think it is a crime not to have sex with your spouse when you are young - because once you are not in your 20's and 30's - those days and that body will never come back.

You have finite nights of sex in your life - don't waste it! Get fit, make up with your spouse, get medical treatment - whatever you need to do.

[Anonymous]

BTW - I have also found that a HUGE number of men are uninterested in sex, or have low confidence because of ED, PE or very small penises.

I thought that men would always want sex. And for women with such husbands it is a very shocking rejection that cuts deep.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to talk it out very frankly. My husband and I are rekindling the romance now and for us, just cuddling again was the first step after airing out our issues. I agree with the other PP that you both have to want it to be different and commit to finding something that works - you both may have to ease on some reservations you have, do something new & uncomfortable.

Did you ever see the film Hope Springs? Their first step was to hold hands. You don't stay at that stage long, but if you've lost all antimacy, it's perhaps a more reasonable starting point while getting reacquainted with each other.

[Anonymous]

00:16 raises a good point. The date night and sexy outfit advice works for couples who are harried, hassled, but otherwise connect and if left to their own devices will connect. But if you don't even like being in the same room as your spouse or are so anxious that the moment you're alone you start thinking of "fill in this thing that's undone" ... different advice is needed.

[Anonymous]

The key is that you're both unhappy with the status quo. My spouse was perfectly fine with infrequent sex. That was a loser situation that could not be "reversed."

[Anonymous]

NP whose DH was mostly responsible for reversing a 2-3 year drought (with the occasional bit thrown in, but veerrrrrry occasional). After DD was born and everything was healed and physically okay, he decided that we couldn't fall back into our roommate status if we wantd our marriage to last long term (due to new pressures of baby, etc we were both worried about the effects on our relationship). He actually said, I want us to have sex more in order to improve our relationship. The mere fact that he said those words out loud jolted me out of my complacency.

[Anonymous]

Over the past 3 years, my wife & I have improved from 10 times per year to about 25 times. Not great frequency, but a lot better.

No magic bullets. She really does love me & wants to make me happy. I finally spoke up. We've made more of a conscious effort instead of trying to wait until we're both magically in the mood, have no kids around, and have nothing else planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its been many years, for various reasons - bad tearing in childbirth that healed poorly, illness, etc. we're past all the (arguably) valid excuses but I'm not sure we can reverse it now that its been so long; at least, the old 'date night' or 'wear sexy clothes' advice isnt going to cut it. Has anyone successfully reversed 5+ years of sexless marriage, and how?

We have not yet, though we're in the process, I think. Similar situation.. two children followed by a longish (1 year +) illness had us ending up with many dry years. Sometimes I was SO frustrated. I think both of us wanted it. But both of us also felt somewhat wounded by what we perceived as lack of interest from the other. And, being female, I wanted to rebuild a sense of intimacy and romance before restarting a sexual relationship, while he wanted to restart the sexual relationship to reestablish intimacy.

But through all that we didn't lose respect for each other, and we were always kind to one another. So, it just takes some faith, I think. And a commitment. It was such a long time that sometimes I worry I've lost some of my libido. I hope I can regain it. We're in the process of restarting. (twice in the two weeks! Compared to almost none in the last 8 yrs.) Eeek. It's hard. It feels almost weird. But I have to believe it's going to work. I want a sex life again! But part of the problem is that we weren't the most physically compatible people to begin with. Still, I think it's going to work.

[Anonymous]

Similar to the other posters, DH and I were becoming dangerously close to 2 years (out of 5) of having sex just once per month. We had sex to get pregnant, then due to (my) pain issues while pregnant didnt' do it at all. Our baby is now 7 months old, and our relationship seemed to become more an more antagonistic.

He never lost interest in sex, but it felt to me like my body just shut him down. In the past couple of weeks, I have decided to cast away the little things that have built up --- our arguments over just one small thing, which I end up carrying with me for weeks.

I also looked back at how things have been (both intimately and not) between us when our sex life is great, and we're happy. I remembered how good sex was back then, and started doing the same things in our relationship (little notes, photos, etc) to show him I love his sexy side too.

So far, so good....it feels so good to let minor stuff go, and just enjoy the happiness.

[Anonymous]

As a guy in a low sex marriage, I wouldn't mind rebuilding romance and intimacy as a precursor to restoring our sex life. I just have absolutely no faith that it will. I feel like I've been a good rule follower, done everything that I was supposed to do - I work hard, I'm always respectful, I'm an active and goo dad - and yet my sex life still deteriorated. Meanwhile, it seems like there are plenty of guys who don't do half of what I do for their families who are getting laid plenty. So, I feel like a chump. Like date nights and other romantic gestures are just one more hoop I'll jump through with no improvement. Lack of trust, basically.

[Anonymous]

I've been surprised to find out my low sex drive husband needs more intimacy and romance. Maybe I'm the man in the relationship. Paying more attention helps.

[Anonymous]

I would guess only a small percentage of non-physical marriages have been reversed, e.g. those for temporary reasons such as with small babies.