Toxic "friend" always judging

[Anonymous]

she sounds like my mom, but you know, can't dump my mom. I can tell her to lay off, however.

I would probably just say, once, "While you are entitled to your opinion, Suzy, you are not entitled to constantly judge me or my parenting. I am perfectly aware of what I am buying and how I raise my kids, and its my choice. I don't agree with your choices, but never criticize you for them because I accept you as you are. I hope that you can do the same."

[Anonymous]

Just say "I think they'll live" and leave it at that. Shows you are not concerned about the cookie eating or her opinion about it. I wouldn't give a speech -- but then, it doesn't bother me when people voice their opinions. I don't understand being threatened and hurt by this kind of thing. I already posted as much and was called a foul Yogi for it but I think I actually have a healthy way of looking at myself and others. I could be wrong but I think the world is full of various people and if you only surround yourself with like minded people or insist if others don't share your opinion they keep it to yourself, then you're not very sure about yourself.

Signed,

Non-yogi unflexible in body but flexible in mind, heart and opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say "I think they'll live" and leave it at that. Shows you are not concerned about the cookie eating or her opinion about it. I wouldn't give a speech -- but then, it doesn't bother me when people voice their opinions. I don't understand being threatened and hurt by this kind of thing. I already posted as much and was called a foul Yogi for it but I think I actually have a healthy way of looking at myself and others. I could be wrong but I think the world is full of various people and if you only surround yourself with like minded people or insist if others don't share your opinion they keep it to yourself, then you're not very sure about yourself.

Signed,

Non-yogi unflexible in body but flexible in mind, heart and opinion

"Keep it to THEMSELVES" not yourself....

Signed, flexible typer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have invited "toxic" into your home.

You are the problem - meaning why do you need this relationship if it's not pleasant.

+1

Why keep her around? Friendships should be MUTUAL.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not she can be reined in to a level you can live with is something only you can judge, but my advice would be to gather your strength for a pretty direct conversation (hopefully a brief one) and then practice a set of responses that will shut things down.

So sit down with her when you have a quiet moment and tell her something like: "Jane, you know that i have great respect for your lifestyle and your choices. And I know you care deeply about these things. As you also now, I make some different choices than you do and I'm asking you to respect my choices as I do yours. I don't make the same decisions re foods, or free time (or whatever). My choices are based on what I feel is best for my family, and what is feasible for us. When you make comments about my choices I feel criticized and judged. So I understand if you disagree with my choices, but I would prefer you not comment on those things unless I ask your opinion. I'd really like to be able to enjoy your company. Ok?"

Then practice (as someone else suggested) breezy versions of comments like:

- I think they'll live.
- different strokes for different folks
- Thanks but I have it covered (and immediately changing the subject)

And then be prepared to have to say:

- Jane, I know you disagree but this is my house.
- If you're not able to respect what I do in my house you don't have to be here. I'm really not interested in your opinion on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're an adult. Can't you just deal with having someone in your life who makes comments that annoy you? I don't understand how that is "toxic" especially if you don't give a crap about the issues, which you seem to be saying. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go around, even ones who judge cookie eating. How does that threaten you?

I hear you, PP. If it were just an occasional comment, or a benign observation that we're different, it would be easy to overlook. What bothers me is feeling like I have to justify my decisions, regularly, just because she's so, um, "forward" about her opinions. If it were just her, I would probably cut her loose. But, as I mentioned, she's part of a combo pack with someone I really like, and it would be incredibly difficult to keep one but ditch the other.

I'm grateful people suggested confronting her. I agree that there probably isn't an easier way to get the microaggressions to stop. I'm no fan of confrontation, but if it would help me save my friendship with "friend 2", I'll try it.

And no, this isn't really about vegetables. I didn't want to risk her recognizing the post, because that would be crummy for all involved.

But the thing is, you do not! Really! You do not! You only feel that because you allow yourself to engage with her, as if her approval of anything you do is necessary. You have to practice the attitude of dismissing what she says. For example:

"Jane, I think the carrots Aiden is eating aren't organic."

"Nope, probably not."

"How can you give your kids non-organic things? They are so bad for them!"

"Yep, they probably are." Continue feeding kids.

"How can you do this to your children?"

"I just do." And continue doing what you're doing.

"This cartoon character is eating cookies! That's terrible!"

"Yep. Probably is." And continue watching.

Basically, don't argue with her and continue doing what you're doing until she feels stupid, which she will if all her tirades fall on deaf ears. STOP acting like her approval is necessary.

[Anonymous]

She sounds too rigid to be a good friend. Has she always been like this or is this lifestyle new to her? I find that a lot of new converts get very overzealous about things. I have to laugh when brand-new runners start trying to advise *me* about running because they're so excited about their new hobby. (I've been running seriously for 25 years, but I'm chill about racing because I've been there/done that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're an adult. Can't you just deal with having someone in your life who makes comments that annoy you? I don't understand how that is "toxic" especially if you don't give a crap about the issues, which you seem to be saying. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go around, even ones who judge cookie eating. How does that threaten you?

I hear you, PP. If it were just an occasional comment, or a benign observation that we're different, it would be easy to overlook. What bothers me is feeling like I have to justify my decisions, regularly, just because she's so, um, "forward" about her opinions. If it were just her, I would probably cut her loose. But, as I mentioned, she's part of a combo pack with someone I really like, and it would be incredibly difficult to keep one but ditch the other.

I'm grateful people suggested confronting her. I agree that there probably isn't an easier way to get the microaggressions to stop. I'm no fan of confrontation, but if it would help me save my friendship with "friend 2", I'll try it.

And no, this isn't really about vegetables. I didn't want to risk her recognizing the post, because that would be crummy for all involved.

If she really is a package deal, I would just refuse to engage. When she snarks on your food or your kids or whatever, just say, "Huh." Don't justify your decisions to her, don't argue, just don't engage. If she pushes it, just say, "I'm not interested in discussing that topic right now." You know she's judgemental, so you can stop taking anything she says personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Dump her. Send her an email that says "Rosa, I've put up with your judgmental comments for a long time but I will not and cannot allow your behavior and comments to extend to my children. I wish you all the best but you are no longer welcome in my home."

Good thing you always keep that sledgehammer handy.

[Anonymous]

Confronted the toxic "friend". It went about as well as I expected, which is to say not at all well. She feels her perspective is the One True Way, and that she is justified in her critiques of my lifestyle and choices. She confirmed that her interests are the most important thing, and all other matters pale in comparison. She sees herself as superior and feels entitled to judge, which is a dealbreaker for me. As I feared, the other friend in the package deal is no longer a friend either. While that's sad, I have to wonder what kind of friend she was to allow Ms. Toxicity to run her mouth the way she did.

Note to self: you don't have to be a doormat to be nice. You're allowed to be yourself; you don't need approval.

I need to figure out why I put up with her sh*t for so long, so I don't do that again.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will keep them for reference, in case I find myself allowing another judge into my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confronted the toxic "friend". It went about as well as I expected, which is to say not at all well. She feels her perspective is the One True Way, and that she is justified in her critiques of my lifestyle and choices. She confirmed that her interests are the most important thing, and all other matters pale in comparison. She sees herself as superior and feels entitled to judge, which is a dealbreaker for me. As I feared, the other friend in the package deal is no longer a friend either. While that's sad, I have to wonder what kind of friend she was to allow Ms. Toxicity to run her mouth the way she did.

Note to self: you don't have to be a doormat to be nice. You're allowed to be yourself; you don't need approval.

I need to figure out why I put up with her sh*t for so long, so I don't do that again.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will keep them for reference, in case I find myself allowing another judge into my life.

Maybe it's not as big of a deal as you have made it out to be. Maybe you are a bit insecure and interpret her comments and "judging" when someone more self confident wouldn't??

ps -- you ARE allowed to be yourself. And so is your former friend, which you apparently couldn't accept.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confronted the toxic "friend". It went about as well as I expected, which is to say not at all well. She feels her perspective is the One True Way, and that she is justified in her critiques of my lifestyle and choices. She confirmed that her interests are the most important thing, and all other matters pale in comparison. She sees herself as superior and feels entitled to judge, which is a dealbreaker for me. As I feared, the other friend in the package deal is no longer a friend either. While that's sad, I have to wonder what kind of friend she was to allow Ms. Toxicity to run her mouth the way she did.

Note to self: you don't have to be a doormat to be nice. You're allowed to be yourself; you don't need approval.

I need to figure out why I put up with her sh*t for so long, so I don't do that again.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will keep them for reference, in case I find myself allowing another judge into my life.

Maybe it's not as big of a deal as you have made it out to be. Maybe you are a bit insecure and interpret her comments and "judging" when someone more self confident wouldn't??

ps -- you ARE allowed to be yourself. And so is your former friend, which you apparently couldn't accept.

You sound rather judgy yourself, PP.

OP, I think you made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

People like this are usually really desperate for others to validate their life choices. She can't let you live and let live because she takes your choices personally, by feeling that a different choice is actually disagreement/disapproval with hers. It's crazy, but it is the way a lot of people think. Just try to have perspective about the fact that her being so invested in your choices is a desperate attempt to get you to validate hers. Don't take her statements personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People like this are usually really desperate for others to validate their life choices. She can't let you live and let live because she takes your choices personally, by feeling that a different choice is actually disagreement/disapproval with hers. It's crazy, but it is the way a lot of people think. Just try to have perspective about the fact that her being so invested in your choices is a desperate attempt to get you to validate hers. Don't take her statements personally.

I just now posted "The Red Flag in common: looking for opportunities to be offended". It addresses this EXACT thing.

I agree its totally crazy. I am concerned alot more people think that way than I ever wanted to believe.