Help me with this realtionship -- sister always asking for money and angry if I say no
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Anonymous
second this. I never answer my mother's phone calls and usually wait 2 hours to return the the frantic, "Call me right now. I need you right now" voicemails. When I do wait to call she usually says, "Oh never mind, I figured it out" |
Anonymous
All of the above. |
Anonymous
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OP, it's not your job to make your sister happy. She's making you think that your actions determine whether she likes you, and is preying on your insecurity by manipulating you into giving her money so that she'll like you.
This has to stop. The texts from PPs are all great. And realize that even her vet didn't want to do a payment plan! Usually they're willing to, but I'm sure this wasn't the first time she has had some type of animal emergency and probably hasn't paid any of the past bills. I would wonder if she might have a substance abuse problem. Regardless of what her problem is--drugs or mental--you're enabling her and you need to stop this today. Don't lend her money anymore, but don't expect any of the money back either. |
Anonymous
This. In fact I'd probably add "and your acting inappropriately/picking fights does not negate the need for you to pay me back the money I loan you." Manipulators needs to be called out and shown that they aren't getting one over on anyone. |
Anonymous
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My friend has a sister like this, who threatens, and has occasionally attempted, suicide when her family is reluctant to once again pay to get her out of her own messes. She is a drug addict. My friend has been in therapy for years to manage both the resentment and guilt it has created. Lovely, isn't it? So, you draw up certain rules according to her capacity to function. Can she really be financially independent with a job? Is she emotionally and mentally stable enough to hold down a job? In that case, take a harder line that includes what PPs said. If there is some doubt, you can also reassure her that if she is homeless or starving, you will help her (and pay the landlord directly, as well as having groceries delivered). You never give her money directly if she can't be trusted to spend it wisely. Use a gentle voice, but direct language. The meaning has to be crystal clear. |
Anonymous
| People respond to their incentives. If you give them money each time they display signs of mental instability, they get the message that it pays to show these signs. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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The money is gone. You can choose to ignore it and move on, but also NOT lend her money again.
I would talk to her about how her laughing about the accident your daughter was in hurt you and was inappropriate. When she asks for money again just say no. You previously gave her money you saved for something else, you now need to save that again. Just say no, I do not have the money to lend you, I am sorry. Then change the subject or choose to listen to her vent. Just because you cannot lend her the money to fix her next problem does not mean you cannot have empathy for her circumstances, you just are not responsible for and should not fix such circumstances for her. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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My husband has a sister like that, I cannot believe how she talks to him trying to get him to give in. He does not give her money anymore but he doesn't break contact either so he has to listen to these tirades regularly. I wouldn't because it would stress me out but he says he can bear it because he still wants to have some relationship with his sister.
OP, I think you need to accept that, absent giving your sister money, she will verbally abuse you. You can decided if you put up with it for the sake of some relationship but stand firm on the money. |
Anonymous
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Two weeks into my marriage, I found my ILs do the same to DH that your sister does to you - "borrow" money for unnecessary spending. So now all of their money requests have to come to me for approval before DH can say yes. Guess what? They've stopped asking and still
seem to manage anyway. We've set up an emergency account for quick transfer in case there ever is a real emergency and only the IL without the shopping problem has access to it. |
Anonymous
+1 to this and everything else everyone has said. I've "loaned" one sister several thousand dollars help her get out of debt with one set of creditors that had taken her to court. I never saw a penny back, not even a good faith attempt to repay any of the money. Since then, I never have the money to lend if asked. With phone calls I sometimes let it go to voicemail and call back. I make sure when I take the call or return a call it is at a convenient time should I get upset. One sister has mental issues, the other is growing up but was very immature/the world owes me x. I won't take their calls at work when I have to focus on my job or right before I go to sleep when husband is already asleep when I end up stewing with no one to calm me down/be the voice of reason. Funny thing, since I never have any money to loan, I am no longer asked and sister has managed to figure out something even with many periods of unemployment. I realized that short of being willing to support my sister as a parent would do a child, which by the way would not be a healthy relationship for anyone, no amount of money would ever be enough. The $5000 did nothing to get my sister on the right track. Even more than never seeing the money repaid, I was upset that it didn't make a difference. The underlying reasons why sister constantly loses jobs and goes from normal to can't reason with her is still there and until she is willing to address those things with a professional and commit to keeping it in check, she will always have challenges. There was one day I thought she could end up homeless if this keeps up once my parents pass away. However, I realize you can't save someone that isn't willing to save themselves ...all you do is end up in therapy and/or damaging the relationship with husband, kids etc in the process. |
Anonymous
| PP here. Don't forget, your sister will be angry is you say no and don't lend the money (at least the first time or two) and she will be angry if you lend the money and expect for it to be paid back. So basically unless you are gifting money she will end up being angry but the difference is if you said no, you would have the money for your son's car repairs. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
+ 1. And let the money go as a lesson learned. |
Anonymous
| I'm in the same boat, but mine is worse. I have three of them who asks me for money. I feel guilty if I don't give in to them because I have more than I need. But money don't grow on trees, I work hard to earn it, that's why it's making me angry. I know what I'm doing is what people call "enabling" but damn it! Why is it hard to say no. They don't use the angry approach, they beg and call it borrowing. Nobody wants to see a family beg and I don't expect to see my money back again. I'm angry at myself for being so lame and at them for being so useless. I should have been an only child. I should disown them. I don't know what to do! Anybody please help! |