Help me with this realtionship -- sister always asking for money and angry if I say no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the cash--lesson learned.

Stop sending your sister money, and pretty much let go of any notion of a normal relationship with her either.

+1

You should have gotten a clue when NO one else would loan her the $. You should never expect to get $ back. So do not loan what you cannot afford to lose.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your sister sounds mentally unwell. Not taking job opportunities; laughing inappropriately. I wouldn't lend her any more money, but in general she sounds unbalanced.

[Anonymous]

The next time she asks for money say, "I don't have the money to give you right now. I will go out and find myself a part time job and can then handover my paycheck to you and you can go on sitting on your couch."

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are dealing with this OP. PPs have offered solid advice. This reminds me of a Polish saying I heard recently. When faced with other people's drama, repeat:

[Anonymous]

You send her a text message on the 1st of every month saying "How are you? Since I haven't heard from you recently, I hope everything is going well. I know you've been paid recently and I'd like to start clearing the balance on the loan for your dog's surgery. The balance is $1500 and I wouldn't want this to hang over our heads in case you would need to borrow money again. Even if you can't pay the whole sum, please forward what you can afford this month."

And when she calls about her car needing work or the furnace dying, etc, just remind her, "Oh dear, you've already borrowed $1500 for Fido's surgery two months ago and despite your claims that you'd repay me from the check you got the next day, you haven't repaid any of the loan from either that paycheck or the last one. You will need to find another source for the money until you've repaid at least half of the balance on the previous loan."

You remind her regularly that she owes you money and you don't loan her any more until she repays at least X amount of the previous loan.

[Anonymous]

How much would it have been to put the dog to sleep?

[Anonymous]

The money is gone, sorry. It might come down to you deciding which you want in your life - the $1500 or your sister.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the camp with:

I was upset that you thought my daughter's accident was funny.

I am still waiting to be repaid for the multiple loans this year, totalling $X, most recently the $1,500 for Fido's care.

Then, with the next contact or request:

I will not loan you money any more, you have never repaid me for any of the prior loans. I feel taken advantage of and foolish for continuing to help you. I wish you well.

Etc...

Stop giving her money. Stop listening to/responding to/participating in any drama. Discontinue all contact if necessary, maybe it will only be for a few months or a year or maybe it will be permanent but if you don't want the drama then don't participate at all. That's the best way to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I am a bit worried about her mental state. That is why I used the money I saved to repair our son's car to save her dog. I was afraid she would ... not do well if she did not have her dog.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to decide whether you will ever draw the line or not. Then you need to do it, or not.

Your sister will always find a way to seem desperately in need, until you give her what she wants and then she's ok for a couple of more weeks.

If you continue to support the behavior it will continue to happen. It's as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am a bit worried about her mental state. That is why I used the money I saved to repair our son's car to save her dog. I was afraid she would ... not do well if she did not have her dog.

Sorry, but it's not up to you to manage her well-being by buying things for her. If you are truly concerned about her well-being, then you contact mental health professionals. You do not loan her $1500.

Stop being manipulated.

[Anonymous]

"I have been sending her money for this and that every few months, each time saying this will be the last time."

So stop lending her money. Even before the dog, you mention you have been lending her money over and over. So, thus far it has worked for her to ask you for money and probably not repay you. So stop continuing to enable her to mooch off you, OP.

[Anonymous]

You can buy like 20 dogs for $1500

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I have been sending her money for this and that every few months, each time saying this will be the last time."

So stop lending her money. Even before the dog, you mention you have been lending her money over and over. So, thus far it has worked for her to ask you for money and probably not repay you. So stop continuing to enable her to mooch off you, OP.

OP, perhaps you need to talk with a therapist about why you continue to give her money and engage with her. You're getting something out of this--Perhaps you need to feel needed? Maybe you enjoy the drama? Maybe you think you can be the one to change her. Whatever the reason is, figure it out and face it head on. Only then will you be able to set appropriate boundaries with her. There's only one person you can ever change: YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the camp with:

I was upset that you thought my daughter's accident was funny.

I am still waiting to be repaid for the multiple loans this year, totalling $X, most recently the $1,500 for Fido's care.

Then, with the next contact or request:

I will not loan you money any more, you have never repaid me for any of the prior loans. I feel taken advantage of and foolish for continuing to help you. I wish you well.

Etc...

Stop giving her money. Stop listening to/responding to/participating in any drama. Discontinue all contact if necessary, maybe it will only be for a few months or a year or maybe it will be permanent but if you don't want the drama then don't participate at all. That's the best way to protect yourself.

+1. Just text a straight answer about why you are upset. If she asks for money again, tell her you cannot afford to lend her money because she has not repaid you for the XX in the past.

And I agree, don't talk to her until she gets her act together. It is not helping either of you. I realize that's disappointing, and I'm sorry. I have a (very different) but also imperfect relationship with my sibling. I'm learning to accept it.