Help me with this realtionship -- sister always asking for money and angry if I say no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, but mine is worse. I have three of them who asks me for money. I feel guilty if I don't give in to them because I have more than I need. But money don't grow on trees, I work hard to earn it, that's why it's making me angry. I know what I'm doing is what people call "enabling" but damn it! Why is it hard to say no. They don't use the angry approach, they beg and call it borrowing. Nobody wants to see a family beg and I don't expect to see my money back again. I'm angry at myself for being so lame and at them for being so useless. I should have been an only child. I should disown them. I don't know what to do! Anybody please help!

I'll help:

Start your own thread instead of resurrecting a zombie thread.

[Anonymous]

It must be something that runs in certain families - another good reason to stop it. You don't want to continue this pattern for the next generation. Our family doesn't do this. Most people I know don't have families like this.

[Anonymous]

What you do is set aside a certain amount of money every month in a separate account for your siblings. When they ask, give what you deem is appropriate from that fund. When the fund is empty, say "Sorry, I don't have any extra right now." When you put more money in next month, then you can give when asked.

It's up to you to decide how much money to put in that account on a monthly basis. Choose $10 a month if you want to wean them from asking you for money constantly; $120 over the course of a year isn't much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks ago I got a frantic call from my sister -- her dog needed emergency surgery. I talked with the vet and researched it. The dog would die without surgery, but it was $1500. No one would loan my sister the money and the vet would not take a payment plan. My sister promised that she would pay me back for the surgery as soon as she got a check, which she got the next day. The surgery went well and the dog is recovering nicely, but no repayment.

After she got the check, but before I could ask her to pay me back, she started a big fight with me. It happened like this: My DD was injured in a car accident. I called my sister -- I was upset-- and she thought the accident was very funny. I could not believe that she was actually laughing. At the time I was too shocked to really say anything. It is obviously not funny, but it does serve the purpose of deflecting from her owing me money for the vet bill. Also being so inappropriate/ unbelievable/ unexpected that it is a kind of "shock bomb" technique that stopped me cold. There were other remarks -- really an attack. Afterwards I see why ... and why other members of he family have drawn a line with her. Then I look back over the past year and realize that I have been sending her money for this and that every few months, each time saying this will be the last time. She has been out of work for over a year, although she has been offered several jobs.

Now I am getting texts "what did I do?" "why are you annoyed" "I just don't understand" I know that she has not "forgotten" that conversation. And I understand that she is very mad at me for asking for the money back. I feel completely manipulated by this. I understand that she does not intended to repay me. But what to do now? Please no need to be snarky.

I have an older sister who use to pull this crap with the whole family. Everyone has gotten ripped off by one of her sad songs in the past. Now everyone knows her history and she doesn't even ask anymore. In time you will get there to. Cut her off early and often and she will get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat, but mine is worse. I have three of them who asks me for money. I feel guilty if I don't give in to them because I have more than I need. But money don't grow on trees, I work hard to earn it, that's why it's making me angry. I know what I'm doing is what people call "enabling" but damn it! Why is it hard to say no. They don't use the angry approach, they beg and call it borrowing. Nobody wants to see a family beg and I don't expect to see my money back again. I'm angry at myself for being so lame and at them for being so useless. I should have been an only child. I should disown them. I don't know what to do! Anybody please help!

It is hard to say no because they are making your relationship with them contingent on your payment. The term for this is "blackmail" and it is unethical to engage in this dynamic.

Cut them loose.

[Anonymous]

My sister married a guy that only draws. 700a month , her 4th marriage , i put my foot down. today , I'm tired of givin her money bailing. Them out. ,i was nice enough. to. buy her a new car a yr ago 25.000 grand car ,i made my money with music ,tourin with big heavy music bands. ,i don't play music anymore my money goin to hav to lsst me she not goin to drain me. she tries to throw a guilt trip on me sayin she only has three dollars to her name. well that's not my fault. if she wanted to marry .she should of married someone with more than her now husband has. or stay single. , she thinks i should give it to her since I'm the one who toured worked my butt off. I'm not goin to give her no money plus I've paid her car insurance. bought her new glasses. its not right. I'm not runnin no bank ppl like her all the ppl who reads this has the same problem. tell them the banks closed

[Anonymous]

I bet it wasn't a vet you talked to..... i bet it was one of her friends.....

[Anonymous]

I would have let the dog die.

[Anonymous]

Manipulators find a way. Don't feel bad. If u shut it down they will find someone else to manipulate. "I don't have any money. I've been loaning you a lot for a while" then repeat "i'm sorry" a few times until they all go away. Also, when they call, b4 they even wind it up, interject and ask them for money. Do that every time UNTIL.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

OMG OP. Do not give her another dime. Boundaries!

I would also drastically reduce communication with her. Get some friends. REAL friends. Who don't use you and belittle you.

[Anonymous]

What is it with people and their multi-thousand dollar pet surgeries? I can see this if you have the means, but I know at least two two people who got into debt over it. Plus my niece who shelled out 7K for her freaking cat LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister married a guy that only draws. 700a month , her 4th marriage , i put my foot down. today , I'm tired of givin her money bailing. Them out. ,i was nice enough. to. buy her a new car a yr ago 25.000 grand car ,i made my money with music ,tourin with big heavy music bands. ,i don't play music anymore my money goin to hav to lsst me she not goin to drain me. she tries to throw a guilt trip on me sayin she only has three dollars to her name. well that's not my fault. if she wanted to marry .she should of married someone with more than her now husband has. or stay single. , she thinks i should give it to her since I'm the one who toured worked my butt off. I'm not goin to give her no money plus I've paid her car insurance. bought her new glasses. its not right. I'm not runnin no bank ppl like her all the ppl who reads this has the same problem. tell them the banks closed

The choices in punctuation here are blowing my mind.

[Anonymous]

A very simple rule that my dad told me when I was 18.

Never lend family money. If they ask for a loan only give what you consider to be a gift. If paid back then great, if not you never thought that you were going to be repaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister married a guy that only draws. 700a month , her 4th marriage , i put my foot down. today , I'm tired of givin her money bailing. Them out. ,i was nice enough. to. buy her a new car a yr ago 25.000 grand car ,i made my money with music ,tourin with big heavy music bands. ,i don't play music anymore my money goin to hav to lsst me she not goin to drain me. she tries to throw a guilt trip on me sayin she only has three dollars to her name. well that's not my fault. if she wanted to marry .she should of married someone with more than her now husband has. or stay single. , she thinks i should give it to her since I'm the one who toured worked my butt off. I'm not goin to give her no money plus I've paid her car insurance. bought her new glasses. its not right. I'm not runnin no bank ppl like her all the ppl who reads this has the same problem. tell them the banks closed

The choices in punctuation here are blowing my mind.

I blame the touring with heavy metal. Killed some brain cells by some means...