Are YOU a good in-law?
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Anonymous
In DCUM, the problem is always "them," never "me" (or you). |
Anonymous
I'm the first poster quoted. No, I would never choose my inlaws as friends, but they would never choose me as a friend either. This does not mean that I'm rude to them or try to cause drama. I'm pretty busy dealing with my own family and my husband is more than capable of handling his relationship with his family. They are his parents. I don't expect him to call mine. I will say, there are things I would do differently if I could. Nothing huge, but little things which I think could have made a difference, but some of this was age and I didn't know better at the time. With age comes wisdom! We are about 20 years into this relationship and now I really don't know how to correct situation. But, I'm human and I realize I've made mistakes and they've made mistakes. I try to keep it all in perspective. |
Anonymous
I'm not sure why you see it as a "problem" not to be close? Like many of the PPs, I'm respectful and kind to my in-laws, but I don't really have much in common with them beyond the superficial. I see it as my responsibility to facilitate my husband's and children's relationships with them to the extent my husband wants those relationships (and puts in effort himself), but I don't feel any particular desire to have a closer relationship with my ILs myself. I don't see that as a problem. |
Anonymous
Same here. I posted earlier about trying. I get it, we have nothing in common, but I come from a warm family and dh comes from a cold family, so that compounds matters. I noticed his mum scapegoats, which is pretty awful. Dh's sisters seem to have decided to accept me after 2 decades, so I guess that is progress. I get hurt when mil insists on not including me in the family pics, for example, but that says more about her than me. I think her own buddies see it, so that helps. There is no pleasing some kinds of people. I think mil thinks she was wronged somewhere, well before I came along. And if she doesn't respect herself, I can't expect her to be respectful . |
Anonymous
| I do more for my in-laws than my husband does for his. I hate how blame is always placed on the wife. My husband has never called his MIL, does not buy her birthday/Christmas/Mother's Day presents, does not send her emails about the kids, does not go out and do things with just her when she visits. He doesn't do any of that for my dad either. I'm fine with this. But why does society think it is my job and duty as a DIL to do those things for MIL. Is my husband, as a man, incapable of doing these things? Maybe MIL's should stop blaming their DIL's and think about how they could have better raised their son to communicate and be thoughtful. |
Anonymous
+10000 We'll said! |
Anonymous
| I think my husband's parents would say I'm a good daughter in law. I think his sister would say that I'm a disappointment. But everybody is a disappointment to her. |
Anonymous
we'll=well. Sorry for the autocorrect. MIL never misses an opportunity to try to bark at me, for some reason. I don't know what her problem is, but its no secret their family is about as fun as a bunch of wet blankets. There is also no secret why I limit my time with her. If only she had it in her to be a genuinely nice person, and not so obviously bitter and looking for a scapegoat. When there are other visitors, they tend to bond with me because MIL's b*tchiness, and the family's antisocial behaviors, are just bubbling to get out. They are very insular, and no one wants to be considered an outsider, understandably. |
Anonymous
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I get along famously with his dad & dad's wife. With his mother, however, I could write a book. Your jaw would drop.
I see her in very small doses and strive to be civil and pleasant. (For years after a series of certain events, civil was the best I could do.) I never keep my husband from seeing her and encourage him to call and visit her, however, my daughter is no longer allowed to be alone with her. I am quite confident my mil would say I am a horrific daughter in law. My father in law, however, loves me to pieces and I, him. |
Anonymous
Ain't this the truth. It reminds of 4 months after I was married. We didn't date too long before getting engaged, and started dating right after my MIL's birthday, so I only had one year of her birthday to go through until we were married. We husband's wallet was stolen the night before my MIL's birthday and we were focused the next day on trying to call around and get things replaced, and damn if we didn't forget. She bitched me out something fierce, but only after hanging up on me. I was stunned. I'm like, "why the hell is this MY fault?" It was horrible. My husband makes zero effort to form a relationship with his in-laws, but I figure you can't force it. You really can't. I do try to make an effort with my IL's and just visited with them. I've always struggled through my visits with them but this time I saw them through my daughter's eyes - she's 5. She ADORES them, and they adore her. I just sort of shifted in my focus and thought, "damn, this is all there is. She loves them, they love here. Done." I shut myself up and just tried to enjoy them. And I did. |
Anonymous
Well said. I think I lucked out with my ILs, comparatively speaking, but they are not my parents or my friends. We're nice to each other, but I don't confide; I'm happy enough to see them but I don't miss them when they're gone. I am satisfied with the level of intimacy we have. Unfortunately, MIL is a bit disappointed (to her credit, she tries not a show it). She wanted a surrogate daughter, she wants to have dinner together every week, etc. A lot of it is just that our families and expectations are different: MIL calls each of her several sisters every day, while I grew up in the same town as both of my grandmothers and half of my aunts, and we often only visited at Christmas and 4th of July.
This is the other part of it. I have pestered DH to call his parents; I set up dinners together; I buy birthday and holiday cards and all but forge DH's signature to get them out the door. I do blame/resent MIL for not raising her son to behave properly toward his parents. ILs' feelings are hurt by DH's lapses, though, which moves me to do the bare minimum. |
Anonymous
| I think I started off as a good DIL...always welcomed his parents to our house, got thoughtful gifts, remembered to send cards/flowers for birthdays/mothers day, called to check in...etc. However my MIL really did feel as if she was "loosing a son" my husband is her "perfect" child...and the snarky comments/manipulation started early. About 3 years in I tired of trying as much, but then we had our first child. It is really important to me that my DD has a good relationship with her grandparents. His parents have a lot happening with his sister and her kids ( divorce/loss of job) and his sister lives down the street from his parents while we live 9 hours away--which means his parents have only visited us about 3 times since DD has been born. For her bday/xmas when they ask what she wants all I ever say is no toys/gifts, we just want them to visit! DHs job makes traveling very difficult for us , while my job doesn't offer a ton of vacation-- we have visited them about 3 times since DD has been born--however they are both retired and would love if they could come here for a longer visit, we offer our home and we cook when they come, clean, take care of everything--just want them to spend time with DD. It frustrates me that they don't make an effort, so i have found myself stopping to try as much.. and honestly I do see myself becoming snarky/not the best DIL. When I hear friends who never want their inlaws to come, I feel I have to at least have a C rating as a DIL for wanting them to come, but overall I know I could do better...I just have lost the will to care as much at this point. On the other hand my husband LOVES my parents, they have an amazing relationship...my parents have put in a lot of time and effort to get to know my DH as well. |
Anonymous
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I try. In the beginning I tried to make everything equal between DH's family and mine. But it isn't and it's never going to be. We've traveled extensively with my family, but his family doesn't invite us when they travel. My parents are extremely involved in our lives, his call once a week.
In the end I can only make DH and I happy, everyone else will have to make themselves happy. I'm doing the best I can. |
Anonymous
+10000!!! I nag my DH to call his mom constantly. Last time I visited my SIL told me how sad her parents were that DH doesn't call them. AGH. If you want your son to call, call him! Stop sitting around waiting on a call |
Anonymous
| I try to be. I'm pretty forgiving, consider people's intent, and try to avoid drama or characterizing myself as a victim. I enjoy family gatherings and encourage my kids to have a strong relationship with everyone. |