Are YOU a good in-law?

[Anonymous]

I am probably not as warm as they wish I was. My husband grew up in a family that's very close. He talks to his mom almost daily, and they have a big family call each weekend. I grew up raised by nannies and haven't had any contact with my mother in 15 years.

Any time they call and ask to come visit, I say yes even if work is hectic or I've got a lot going on. I make sure we have foods they like, make reservations at restaurants they like, that they get alone time with DH.

If I'm going to their area for work I haul the kids along so they can spend time with them. I make sure we get cards/thoughtful gifts out for mothers/fathers day, their birthdays, christmas. I try to get together with them for either thanksgiving or christmas.

To be honest, I'm not really sure HOW to be a better daughter in law. I feel like I SHOULD do better or more somehow, but I'm not sure what exactly to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a good in-law, but I am not a bad one either. During the early years of my marriage, my MIL tried very hard to establish her dominance. She manipulated and lied to ensure that my family of origin always got the short shrift in terms of time spent with us. After about 6 years, I called her out hard over Thanksgiving dinner and just let her have it with both barrels. I make the plans so I simply don't plan to see her. My husband is welcome to call her and arrange to meet her for breakfast or something. He doesn't so why should his relationship with her be more important to me than it is to him. Likewise, why should my daughter's relationship with his mother be more of a priority to me than my husband. If he wants them to have a closer relationship, it's up to him to facilitate it, not me. I ensure that she is included at the obligatory times -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday, and husband and daughter's birthdays. Other than that, it is my husband's business whether or not he sees her.

You sound really immature.

[Anonymous]

I think my MIL would say I'm a good DIL. We get along quite well, and she never had a daughter, so I think she sees me as a surrogate daughter. She definitely gets on my nerves, but is try not to show that to her (though I'm sure she picks up on it sometimes). I'm sure I do things to annoy her too-but my DH is quicker to show his frustration, so she tends to focus on that.

She got grandkids from me, so that alone makes me wonderful in her eyes.

My FIL-who knows. He doesn't seem to hate me or anything, we don't argue or fight, we just don't have a ton to talk about. When they visit, he tends to sit on The patio with a beer or go for long bike rides, so we don't interact much. Lately he's been pushing us to do stuff that doesn't make a whole lot of sense (let's take newborn and toddler out to a fancy restaurant for dinners, come visit us in Florida this winter even though it will be 1 month after an extended maternity leave and neither of us have vacation time available) and I suspect he blames me for us saying no.

[Anonymous]

I do my best! Both my parents and my husband's parents live out of town and we visit them equally. Our house is always open to either set of parents, although neither set visits for more than a week each year.

My MIL dropped everything in her life to fly across the country and take care of our kids for weeks when I was very sick on two occasions. I hope that I can do the same for her. She is family even though the relationship is not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in some ways, but not others. I encourage my DH to invite his parents and sister and niece to visit us, more than he would normally invite them (which is almost never). But, gah, I can barely stand them while they are here. His mother is the most nervous person in the world, and is anxious about everything, so she literally stands the whole time and hovers over all of us - mostly the baby now - saying "Careful!!!!" three hundred times an hour. Plus she chain smokes so she reeks. Any conversation is really grating, because basically anything we say she responds with, "OHMYGOD! That sounds awful!" My FIL is less grating, but he's completely sedentary so he just sits in a chair, which is okay, and he really loves our LO, so that's nice, but most of his comments to my DH are disparaging or mildly verbally abusive so that's not really something I want around our child much. So, once they are here, I can't wait for them to be gone after an hour or so.

I certainly hope that I will have a better relationship with my children's spouses, if that ever happens. But I hope I am better company!

See my comment right above yours about letting DH take the lead. Are these visits making you or DH happy? Are they improving your relationship with your ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably not as warm as they wish I was. My husband grew up in a family that's very close. He talks to his mom almost daily, and they have a big family call each weekend. I grew up raised by nannies and haven't had any contact with my mother in 15 years.

Any time they call and ask to come visit, I say yes even if work is hectic or I've got a lot going on. I make sure we have foods they like, make reservations at restaurants they like, that they get alone time with DH.

If I'm going to their area for work I haul the kids along so they can spend time with them. I make sure we get cards/thoughtful gifts out for mothers/fathers day, their birthdays, christmas. I try to get together with them for either thanksgiving or christmas.

To be honest, I'm not really sure HOW to be a better daughter in law. I feel like I SHOULD do better or more somehow, but I'm not sure what exactly to do.

You sound pretty darned great to me. You're generous with your time and energy, you get things like they like, you buy nice gifts...all that is extra effort on your part, and you should feel proud of yourself for being so kind and giving. I hope your ILs appreciate all you do for them.

[Anonymous]

Probably not. But I saw from the other (older) SIL's example that it is imperative to set up firm boundaries with this family, and I learned from her miserable experience. She is constantly bereft over how the ILs run roughshod over her and do whatever they want and do not respect boundaries. So, when DH and I got married, I decided to start from Day One being firm and consistent and to set the tone, and the chips have fallen differently with our relationship to them. Thank Goodness!!!

[Anonymous]

You're better than I am 01:14. I was a good DIL but not the DIL they wished they had. They were hoping for a surrogate daughter (they had 2 boys) but I didn't accept that role. I picked up right away they were clingy, dramatic and slyly manipulative. I was respectful and open to spending time with them but I kept my distance emotionally and that was very irksome to them. I had enough drama in my own family growing up. It took me a long time to break away from it and I wasn't willing to participate in someone else's drama. I also refused to be the communicator between DH and them. It's his job to manage the relationship with his parents, not me. DH and I were married 15 years when his mother died and his father died 2 years later. As DH has reflected on his parents and their relationship with me, he's acknowledged that I was not wrong in my perceptions of his parents. It was difficult for him to see because of his own issues with them. So, yes, I was a good DIL but not the one my ILs wished they had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're better than I am 01:14. I was a good DIL but not the DIL they wished they had. They were hoping for a surrogate daughter (they had 2 boys) but I didn't accept that role. I picked up right away they were clingy, dramatic and slyly manipulative. I was respectful and open to spending time with them but I kept my distance emotionally and that was very irksome to them. I had enough drama in my own family growing up. It took me a long time to break away from it and I wasn't willing to participate in someone else's drama. I also refused to be the communicator between DH and them. It's his job to manage the relationship with his parents, not me. DH and I were married 15 years when his mother died and his father died 2 years later. As DH has reflected on his parents and their relationship with me, he's acknowledged that I was not wrong in my perceptions of his parents. It was difficult for him to see because of his own issues with them. So, yes, I was a good DIL but not the one my ILs wished they had.

09:38, I am 09:36 and our situations sound very similar!

[Anonymous]

I am in good wife which makes me a pretty horrible daughter-in-law. My husband's family is emotionally and financially manipulative and while he tries his hardest to maintain firm boundaries (that he and I decided on together) I understand that it can be very challenging for him to tell his parent's they need to back off. So, when it overwhelms him I'm the one making the phone call and telling them that they are not welcome in our home.
On the flip side my husband is a great son-in-law to my parents and they adore him.

[Anonymous]

I am. With my sister's partner that is easy peasy, with my brother's husband and his wife its also easy since we all get along just great. With my MIL its easy but I do sometimes wish she had at least some shred of a sense of humor. She's not an angry type or anything like that , just kind of the "boring straight man" which she calls herself. And she doesn't really every want to try anything that she sees as frivolous so its hard to fill time sometimes when its just us 2. My FIL (DH step dad) is so out of his mind and annoying that I have to put on a real effort to not roll my eyes or tell him to just shut up about 75% of the time. I do this song and dance as the good DIL because I love my DH and respect my MIL. I mean the man's own children have cut him off, so I feel like faking a decent but not close relationship is good enough

[Anonymous]

A PP here. Interesting...most of these posts kind of drive home the OP's point. We all said that WE try to be but some fault of the IL's makes it difficult. LOL It is kind of an IL vent in reverse. LOL

[Anonymous]

I try. I'm very much less patient with their shenanigans since we had a kid. They continue to act like petulant spoiled children because the visits just can't be all about them anymore since our toddler needs to, you know, nap and eventually go to bed at a reasonable hour, so spending full days with no nap dragging a 2 year old around museums just isn't going to happen anymore. I try to send H with them to do those things when they visit, but they pout and talk about how I'm just not flexible and it will be fine if our kid misses nap for a few days, etc.

So the more they do that, the more I withdraw and the less willing I am to go the extra mile I used to go of making sure the house has their favorite foods and drinks, etc.

[Anonymous]

I try to be. It helps that my MIL is one of the sweetest people I know. My FIL is somewhat prickly and we've had conflict in the past, but we're way past that. I can't be annoyed at someone who adores my children as much as he clearly does.

I am shy and reserved by nature, but I try to be respectful and inclusive. I actually wish they'd visit more, but my MIL does not like to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to be, but I know I'm not. I don't do anything specifically crazy, but I feel it is my husband's responsibility to communicate with his relatives. I'm sure they think I'm reserved, but I deal with my family and that keeps me pretty busy.

This is me. I think it's his job to communicate with his family, and he does a crappy job, but I have my own family to deal with.

Do you PPs like your in-laws? Do you think you would be closer if they were different, or is it you?