DWs: Do you sometimes pretend to be less interested in sex than you are?

[Anonymous]

Not to squick everyone out by bringing kids into a sex talk - but it reminds me of when I reflexively say "no" to something my kids ask for before I've even thought about it. After I think about it, I wonder to myself, "wonder why I said no to that." But, because it's my kids, if I said "no" I have to stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when I try to initiate sex, my wife acts like I'm kind of a nuisance and a horn dog, but when we go ahead and have sex in these situations, she seems to enjoy it every bit as much as I do.

It seems like there are societal pressures on women not to advertise that they're interested in sex -- so as not to be labeled as a slut or because good girls don't do that or whatever. I think my wife has internalized some of that and has a default resistance built in. Any of the dcum wives out there have a "default no" even if you'd kind of like to have sex?

Now, don't get me wrong -- sometimes she's just completely not into it and my advances are not well received. And, other times, my advances are enthusiastically received. But, generally it's in this middle ground. And, at times, the "no means no" I've internalized and her sort of "default no" probably results in us not having sex when we both would have enjoyed it.

That is very true. I read/hear idiotic men STILL categorizing women as virgins or whores. Then they wonder why they can't find a "good woman" who loves sex.
I never pretended to not like sex, but I never initiated because I didn't want my DH to think I was slutty. It's stupid because I was a virgin when I met him, so he KNOWS I'm not a slut. Still, that stupid societal pressure is kind of ingrained. I have gotten better about expressing my desires, but I never pretend to not want it when I do. There have been times when I really wasn't in the mood and I've said so. He knows just how to get me in the mood

And when I say "No," I mean it. Usually if I have really bad PMS (couple of times a year) I will say no. I don't think it's right for her to say "no" when she means "yes." That is sending the wrong signal to you. You really do need to address that. Have a blatant discussion about sex.

We don't ask each other if we are going to have sex, we just ask "Do we have plans?". We have 2 young kids and must speak in code, since they hear EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when I try to initiate sex, my wife acts like I'm kind of a nuisance and a horn dog, but when we go ahead and have sex in these situations, she seems to enjoy it every bit as much as I do.

It seems like there are societal pressures on women not to advertise that they're interested in sex -- so as not to be labeled as a slut or because good girls don't do that or whatever. I think my wife has internalized some of that and has a default resistance built in. Any of the dcum wives out there have a "default no" even if you'd kind of like to have sex?

Now, don't get me wrong -- sometimes she's just completely not into it and my advances are not well received. And, other times, my advances are enthusiastically received. But, generally it's in this middle ground. And, at times, the "no means no" I've internalized and her sort of "default no" probably results in us not having sex when we both would have enjoyed it.

That is very true. I read/hear idiotic men STILL categorizing women as virgins or whores. Then they wonder why they can't find a "good woman" who loves sex.
I never pretended to not like sex, but I never initiated because I didn't want my DH to think I was slutty. It's stupid because I was a virgin when I met him, so he KNOWS I'm not a slut. Still, that stupid societal pressure is kind of ingrained. I have gotten better about expressing my desires, but I never pretend to not want it when I do. There have been times when I really wasn't in the mood and I've said so. He knows just how to get me in the mood

And when I say "No," I mean it. Usually if I have really bad PMS (couple of times a year) I will say no. I don't think it's right for her to say "no" when she means "yes." That is sending the wrong signal to you. You really do need to address that. Have a blatant discussion about sex.

We don't ask each other if we are going to have sex, we just ask "Do we have plans?". We have 2 young kids and must speak in code, since they hear EVERYTHING.

I understand when you are in new relationship, but once you are in an LTR with a man that you know is not a traditionalist, why play this game?

[Anonymous]

It's not the direct "no"s that are so much of a problem for us. If she says "no" straight out, it's pretty clear that's what she means. Less clear are the "soft" or preemptive "no"s.

When I'm trying to flirt - the "I'm tired" or "I feel bloated" or "the kids are still awake" or when I start kissing on her trying to get something started, the inert response.

Most of the time, I'll just bail out after one of these soft or preemptive nos. And often enough, that's what she wants. But, other times, I think she wants me to push a little harder, pursue her, make her feel desired. But I'm just not good at distinguishing "pursue me" from "go away." I don't mind making an effort, but if I throw a bunch of effort against what's intended as a "go away," then I'm just being an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the direct "no"s that are so much of a problem for us. If she says "no" straight out, it's pretty clear that's what she means. Less clear are the "soft" or preemptive "no"s.

When I'm trying to flirt - the "I'm tired" or "I feel bloated" or "the kids are still awake" or when I start kissing on her trying to get something started, the inert response.

Most of the time, I'll just bail out after one of these soft or preemptive nos. And often enough, that's what she wants. But, other times, I think she wants me to push a little harder, pursue her, make her feel desired. But I'm just not good at distinguishing "pursue me" from "go away." I don't mind making an effort, but if I throw a bunch of effort against what's intended as a "go away," then I'm just being an asshole.

You could push ahead half the time when you get a soft no. A sense of urgent desire is a turn on, but whining is not. If she doesn't want to, she will say it clearly. You should be able to tell rather quickly if this turns her on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it societal pressure that bathrooms should be cleaned and clothes should be washed and food should be cooked and mortgages need to be paid.

My world would fall apart if I said yes ever time if wanted to...

Have sex, sleep in, drink too much, etc.

I recognize this voice! It is anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed by responsibility talking. Like if you let go of the reigns a little, everything will fall apart. I suggest doing just a teensy bit more of each of the things you listed and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

No. Unfortunately, I'm more interested in sex than my husband is, and he knows it. And takes advantage of me for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it societal pressure that bathrooms should be cleaned and clothes should be washed and food should be cooked and mortgages need to be paid.

My world would fall apart if I said yes ever time if wanted to...

Have sex, sleep in, drink too much, etc.

I have sex whenever I want, whenever I can get my husband to agree. I do everything required, I just put sex ahead of other leisure activities. I do laundry 6 or 7 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Unfortunately, I'm more interested in sex than my husband is, and he knows it. And takes advantage of me for that reason.

"Takes advantage" in what sense? Just going with broad gender stereotypes, when I hear a man is "taking advantage" of a woman, I tend to think "has sex with" -- but that's what you want, so that wouldn't make sense. When I hear a woman is "taking advantage" of a man, I tend to think she's having sex with him for material reasons. This could be what you mean, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear how your husband is taking advantage of your increased interest in sex in a way that's negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unfortunately, I'm more interested in sex than my husband is, and he knows it. And takes advantage of me for that reason.

"Takes advantage" in what sense? Just going with broad gender stereotypes, when I hear a man is "taking advantage" of a woman, I tend to think "has sex with" -- but that's what you want, so that wouldn't make sense. When I hear a woman is "taking advantage" of a man, I tend to think she's having sex with him for material reasons. This could be what you mean, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear how your husband is taking advantage of your increased interest in sex in a way that's negative.

I have to be nice 100% of the time for days beforehand, or no sex. I can't question any of his decisions, or discuss common issues with him, or I'm "talking back." I do 90% of the household running and 75% of the childcare, although I work 5 more hours a week and make just as much money.

[Anonymous]

Sex as a bargaining chip or reward system is bulllshit. It makes me resentful and the sex less enjoyable. How do tolerate it, PP? I've dumped guys for doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One question might be what is meant by initiating?
Does it have to be verbal? Physical? Can it be a non-verbal signal such as wearing sexy lingerie or giving a partner a heated glance?

I'm the wife whose husband insisted I learn to initiate. At first I basically had to do it all. I had to find a way to tell him I wanted to have sex, I had to instigate the foreplay, etc. I remember once saying it and he stood up, smiled, and held his arms out wide, like "You want me? Come get me," and I had to undress him. He was really just pushing me to be assertive and be comfortable being that way (I had some issues).

Now, I can do a lot less to initiate - he really just wants some sort of green light so as to cushion the male ego from being rejected. I've done as little as touch his butt while he's washing dinner dishes as I walk by, or send a flirty text on my way home from work, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unfortunately, I'm more interested in sex than my husband is, and he knows it. And takes advantage of me for that reason.

"Takes advantage" in what sense? Just going with broad gender stereotypes, when I hear a man is "taking advantage" of a woman, I tend to think "has sex with" -- but that's what you want, so that wouldn't make sense. When I hear a woman is "taking advantage" of a man, I tend to think she's having sex with him for material reasons. This could be what you mean, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear how your husband is taking advantage of your increased interest in sex in a way that's negative.

I have to be nice 100% of the time for days beforehand, or no sex. I can't question any of his decisions, or discuss common issues with him, or I'm "talking back." I do 90% of the household running and 75% of the childcare, although I work 5 more hours a week and make just as much money.

Oh, jeeze, that sucks. Ever get the one where interactions seem to be going fairly well, so you try to initiate, only to get, "I was kind of sort of thinking about sex earlier in the day but then you did this one thing I kind of didn't like, so now I'm not in the mood"? That one makes me stabby.

[Anonymous]

no. only less interested in sex with hubby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex as a bargaining chip or reward system is bulllshit. It makes me resentful and the sex less enjoyable. How do tolerate it, PP? I've dumped guys for doing it.

I spend whatever I want and I cheat when I get a good opportunity.