Forum Index
»
Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
One person wants a prenup and the other does not
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| You can do better!! I'm with everyone who says to dump him. |
Anonymous
|
Nothing wrong with a pre-nup given that half of all marriages end up in divorce.
But make sure the pre-nup is fair to both parties - especially a SAHM who does not earn money. An attorney experienced in pre-nups can offer you guidance on what is fair in your situation. |
Anonymous
Op, do your own research and come up with your own prenup with a lawyer, whom you hire! If you are willing to sign one, make sure it protects you. You will need the protection, especially if you have kids. It is fine to work on another version "together" but I would absolutely come up with a counter pre-nup with my own lawyer, not one that tries to screw anyone, but one that is fair. If he breaks up with you over it, you will have plenty of proof where his motives were .... |
Anonymous
|
I'm sorry, OP. This is a bad sign.
I'd rather be with someone who makes $40k and wants to share it with me than with someone who makes $4 million that he considers all his. That is not what marriage is about. If this is happening in a vacuum, counseling and a lawyer. If this is part of a pattern, walk. |
Anonymous
| My wife was looking over my shoulder and said "It sounds like he thinks he's doing her a favor. Don't marry him. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a concubine." |
Anonymous
OP, I would be careful about what you are calling "love" that you'd be walking away from; true love might not be 100% unconditional but it most certainly is reciprocal. You should give some serious thought about how reciprocal that love is, and consider whether giving all of yourself to someone who is not willing to do the same for you is a wise choice. The pre-nup issue is a hard question to answer well without more knowledge of all the details...I can well imagine circumstances, particularly for later-in-life marriages, where one or both parties come with substantial lifetime accumulation of assets (one form or another, eg, retirement savings) which in all fairness, if the relationship fails, they should leave with. This is very different from the situation where both parties are young, starting out and haven't accumulated that stuff. NB: IANAL. Most courts these days see this as people split the marital assets - things accumulated during the marriage - and each party gets to keep the things which were their own when they came into the marriage, or are assets which clearly accrued to just one partner and were never co-mingled (eg, an interitance trust), though these are not bright line clear-cut. It gets really messy and tangled when you take, say, your modest inheritance from grandma and use it as part of the down payment on the house you buy together. I think a pre-nup makes good sense in some of these cases to help keep things untangled. If she has spent a quarter century building up a business, savings and retirement, why should she have to give him half of it if he decides to bail on the marriage? What if he has three kids from a former marriage and wants to make sure the inheritance he's built up for them goes to them? It's easy to imagine that either partner - even if they very much wanted to spend the remainder of their lives together - would be reluctant to do so because of the legal financial implications to relationships and obligations that pre-dated the relationship. Or, even more bluntly,crassly and succinctly: think of Anna Nicole Smith or Albrecht Muth. However, if these assets don't yet exist and are purely theoretical, and he's already planning for the eventuality you won't be in his life, then it seems to me the pre-nup is a ginormous red flag. He's basically telegraphing that he does not see you as an equal partner right now and worse, that he's planning for the eventual divorce. Why on earth bother getting married? Sounds to me like he'd just as soon not get married and is placing this condition as a way of stymying your desire to actually get married or making it so that he can dump you anyway. Just break up with him, he doesn't want to marry you. Do not be torn - the cash brought into the relationship isn't the only contribution - having the babies, raising the babies, "making the home" are all things which are contributions in kind, and the courts see them as such. You are foregoing the opportunity (opportunity costs) of having the career and running your own company. He enjoys the benefits of having children, having a home, etc., just as much as you do. This is why the courts say that assets accumulated during the marriage are joint property, no matter who contributed them. Hence the issue with using grandma's inheritance to purchase the house - when either party puts that in, they in effect voluntarily make it part of the joint kitty. TLDR: unless one or both of you is 'established' in life and the risk of losing what you've built is an impediment to marriage, then DTMFA. It really sounds to me like the latter scenario applies, not the former. |
Anonymous
| This would make you completely powerless in your marriage, OP. Picture being a SAHM with no current job skills or connections, and then he divorces you (or you find out he's, say, cheating, and you want to divorce him). You would be totally stuck and trapped and defenseless and dependent on him. It really seems from the prenup that that's exactly where he wants you. Do not sign this. From your description he sounds greedy, selfish and controlling. If he's this hell-bent on depriving you of your fair share before you're even married, that is a terrible sign. |
Anonymous
| He's an asshole and will abandon you |
Anonymous
|
OP, the fact that he is going into this marriage with an eye to screwing you in a future divorce doesn't seem like "love" to me.
Please, please do not sign any prenup like this. And I would be wary of continuing with this marriage even if the prenup becomes less punitive. His attitude speaks toward how he feels about marriage in general, and it is not a true partnership. You might love him, but it is not reciprocated. |
Anonymous
| I am so sorry OP that you have to deal with such a selfish ass. Your resentment is just going to grow. This doesn't look good at all. Good luck to you, but please think about your own interest first. |
Anonymous
|
This prenup is wholly one-sided.
So if you manage the house and do the lion's share if work raising the kids, you get no "credit" for this because it has, to him, no value. Businesses that I know of that are highly successful require the founders to work very, very hard. While they are doing that, someone else needs yo do all of the day to day work required for family life. It's a family endeavor. And I say thus as someone who has worked FT and PT, and for a bit was a SAHM, in each case due to what was best for our family at the time, which was not always best for me personally. The man you are with seems to hVe no understanding of, or places no value on, contributions other than his own. I'm much more concerned about his apparent narcissism than whether he wants a pre-nip. Get the hell out and count yourself lucky for dodging a bullet! |
Anonymous
+1, I'm assuming you've discussed removing the "for richer, for poorer" from your vows. I agree with PPs that prenubs are appropriate in some situations, however, this one sounds very unfair to you. Imagine the next 30 or 40 years: you raise some children, you run a household, maybe you work for pay, you help him build his business (unpaid, of course), and then he decides he's ready to move on. And you are old and broke. A good man would not want that. I would not go forward without some premarital counseling that focuses at least partially on finances(either through a church, therapist, or financial planner). |
Anonymous
|
There is nothing wrong with a prenup, per se, as long as both parties are on the same page. You and he are clearly not, and his insistence on it, combined with a separate account and everything, would make me walk. You don't mention if he had a bad previous marriage - that's about the only excuse I'd be willing to accept for such a behavior.
Run, don't walk, OP! |
Anonymous
|
In all seriousness, I'm really glad you posted asking for advice. I can only too well imagine some starry-eyed 20 something signing that agreement because she's "in love"… and ending up completely screwed later down the line after she's raised his kids, made his home, etc. Her work has allowed him to become successful -- or at least paved the way -- and then he can dump her for a younger model. The family is raised, so he doesn't need her anymore. He gets all the money, a hottie, and his genetic legacy. She gets cat food.
Lovely. Throw him back. Better to be single. |
Anonymous
| Oh, I don't know. What if you made most of the money? The era of dependent women is coming to an end, and good riddance. You need to expect to hold your own and if you can't, what makes you think some guy wants to subsidize you? |