My husband tries, so...

[Anonymous]

Big project not backed up is your fault regardless.
Dropbox is free and Crashplan is nice.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. You maltreated your computer somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I feel your pain. This totally sounds like my husband. He knows what is best on the most ridiculous topics, and I can totally picture him being overbearing and condescending and literally forcing my laptop up in the bin. I can picture having the argument in the aisle and finally giving up so that other people can just get seated already. We actually had a very similar situation regarding a cake yesterday. I call him the bulldozer. I am working on handling it better myself. And I'm sure I am guilty of overcriticizing him. I too would like any ideas on how to deal with this dynamic.

I often think that guys are rewarded for pushing everyone around them relentlessly, often confused for management or leadership. I wish there was an off switch for that when he comes home.

OP here. I am working on this, too. A couple of weeks ago, I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to drive (I don't like his car, the route he takes, or the GPS program he uses that picks the worst routes) or if I wanted to stay in th back and play with our toddler (because he doesn't distract her well, and she screams a lot on the car ride when he's in the back). So, after freaking out a bit and going back and forth, I decided I wanted to sit in the back. I apologized to DH for being crazy, and said that I had to do all my back and forth up front so that I accept what I know is going to happen with the choice I chose not to make. We had a very pleasant ride. We were traveling a ways from home on a weekend.

My step-grandmother told me that she loved my grandfather because he was fun. He was nuts, but fun. I decided that DH needed me to be fun and I had to look at these tip ups again like they were adventures. I often have to remind myself, and I sometimes forget for long periods. Anyway, after leaving something near Baltimore on the way back to DC, I announced we needed coffee. Instead of looking at the route and finding a Starbucks near the highway, DH just clicked on the closest Starbucks in miles. That happened to be north and east of where we wanted to go...farther into Baltimore. We had a chunk of the day left. I enjoyed the ride. We probably passed a dozen coffee places on the way home closer. But, we wouldn't have had that conversation and seen that road. So, I wouldn't trade it for anything. On a different day, I would have felt, "Where the **** are you going?!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband tries, so I pick my battles. He wanted to put my laptop in the overhead compartment. I asked to put it under the seat in front of me. He said that it would be fine. I said that it would really be better if I put it under the seat. He insisted it would be fine. This is the same discussion about a lot of thing. I usually insist that I know what's best for me. But, I can't be a bitchy wife all of the time. So it rides up there on the way there fine. On the way back, it has hard drive damage. Can't get it to start. He's an IT guy. Checked a few things. Says it will cost more to repair than to buy new. OMFG. In the middle of a huge project, I have to buy a new computer. I want to scream. I'm eating ice cream and drinking wine instead. I blame him. But, he doesn't see this as his fault. I do. I blame him. Story of my life. I wish he would see how he contributed to the problem and just say that he "knows he said we should stow it, but he doesn't think that contributed." Instead, to get what I need, the admission that maybe we shouldn't have stowed it, it requires a fight.

Next time, get off your ass and take care of your own stuff if it's important.

I might have forgotten to mention I was responsible for wrangling our toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you carried your own stuff onto the plane, then stick it under your feet. When he asks to put it in the overhead compartment (probably to free up foot space for you) you say no thanks, keeping it here.

Then you make sure you keep your feet in your space.

End of discussion.

If he is carrying your things for you, then he decides where they go. If he is physically pulling them out from under your feet against your wishes, then yo have a right to be mad.

This doesn't apply. He had the stuff because I had the toddler. When you have kids, you loose control over everything that was once yours.

[Anonymous]

For me, I would want my DH to admit fault so that I knew he got it and wouldn't do it again. Not because I would want him to feel bad or to punish him. Not sure of that is where OP is coming from but my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, I would want my DH to admit fault so that I knew he got it and wouldn't do it again. Not because I would want him to feel bad or to punish him. Not sure of that is where OP is coming from but my 2 cents.

So does your husband do that to you. If you do something he doesn't want you to do again, you are okay with him getting you to admit fault so you learn your lesson? That sounds more like a child-parent relationship than a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you carried your own stuff onto the plane, then stick it under your feet. When he asks to put it in the overhead compartment (probably to free up foot space for you) you say no thanks, keeping it here.

Then you make sure you keep your feet in your space.

End of discussion.

If he is carrying your things for you, then he decides where they go. If he is physically pulling them out from under your feet against your wishes, then yo have a right to be mad.

This doesn't apply. He had the stuff because I had the toddler. When you have kids, you loose control over everything that was once yours.

You didn't mention you had kids with you. Your first post just sounded like it was the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, I would want my DH to admit fault so that I knew he got it and wouldn't do it again. Not because I would want him to feel bad or to punish him. Not sure of that is where OP is coming from but my 2 cents.

So does your husband do that to you. If you do something he doesn't want you to do again, you are okay with him getting you to admit fault so you learn your lesson? That sounds more like a child-parent relationship than a marriage.

not the op, but i agree that there's no point in getting your husband to admit fault. I'd be pissed too, but for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of your marriage, you need to let go of the idea of making your husband do anything, or behave in a certain way. Just do what you need to do and work your way around what you see as his shortfalls. If he's irresponsible with your stuff, keep your stuff away from him, there's no need to argue about it.

[Anonymous]

Get a static drive hard disk. Won't happen again. But I am curious if you next take a flight, where wi the computer be?

[Anonymous]

not the op, but i agree that there's no point in getting your husband to admit fault. I'd be pissed too, but for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of your marriage, you need to let go of the idea of making your husband do anything, or behave in a certain way. Just do what you need to do and work your way around what you see as his shortfalls. If he's irresponsible with your stuff, keep your stuff away from him, there's no need to argue about it.

well, I agree as well, but the OP"s husband was insisting on doing it HIS way. Its her laptop, even if he disagreed and thought it would be fine up top, she did not agree, and he should not have made this about him being right.

OP, I get it. Its one thing if he put it up there and it broke. Its another thing that he argued you down from something that you wanted. I get it, because my DH does this a lot. Has to be right, has to be in charge. Anytime I disagree with him, he tells me that I"m being 'dismissive' of him. He can't udnerstand that I am not dismissing him or his opinoins, I just happen to hold a different one. Believe me, I use all the right language "I understand that you want X, or think Y, and I can see that point of view, but I feel differently. blah blah blah', Meanwhile he is always more than happy to tel me how wrong I am (sometimes even just saying to me 'wrong-o!).

We have had some therapy in the past for this kind of issue and certainly will again in the future.

as for now, get a new laptop, recover, and at some quieter moment, tell him that you were frustrated because he did not listen to you and what you wanted and it was not his place to make that decision with your laptop. Its not about getting him to admit that he's wrong, its getting him to see the dynamic.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you carried your own stuff onto the plane, then stick it under your feet. When he asks to put it in the overhead compartment (probably to free up foot space for you) you say no thanks, keeping it here.

Then you make sure you keep your feet in your space.

End of discussion.

If he is carrying your things for you, then he decides where they go. If he is physically pulling them out from under your feet against your wishes, then yo have a right to be mad.

This doesn't apply. He had the stuff because I had the toddler. When you have kids, you loose control over everything that was once yours.

Put the toddler in his seat and move the laptop to where you want it.

You messed up, OP. Not his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, I would want my DH to admit fault so that I knew he got it and wouldn't do it again. Not because I would want him to feel bad or to punish him. Not sure of that is where OP is coming from but my 2 cents.

You are missing the point. There is never going to be another exactly similar situation - this isn't about who is at fault for the state of the laptop, but about whatever messed up dynamic that lead OP not to just say, like a reasonable adult, "please put my laptop under the seat" and not have it go any further. It's not the laptop, it's what the laptop represents. My suspicious is that there is no one party at fault for this dynamic, but that they have to recognize it and change the pattern together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, the weird thing is him making a decision about your laptop. That just seems strange to me.

Yeah, he sounds anxious and controlling. Not clear to me at all that stowing the laptop in the overhead compartment killed the hard drive but that's irrelevant. If OP wanted to put the damn laptop under the seat, what business was it of his?

Not quite the same level but this is making me think of how annoyed my husband used to get when I insisted on spooning out my own helpings from whatever he made for dinner instead of letting him do it. I wanted less food on my plate. So what if I ended up coming back for more sometimes. What possible difference could it make to him if I ended up going back to the kitchen again?