Getting serious with BF but can't stand his family - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in this situation and married a really great guy who understands but is still very very close with his family. My life was terrible for the first five years and I cried every night because my husband didn't know how to handle the situation. He either didn't hear how offensive his mother is or has gotten use to his brother and his family so he doesn't see the same thing I saw or heard. His family blames me all the time. They even ganged up on me from time to time. It got really hard to the point that we were going to divorce, although it wasn't him, he refused or saw no reason to move further. Now we have children and my kids get rude and offensive behavior from their cousins (brother in law's dc). My suggestion is if you don't have thick skin, please don't marry him. Trust me I have really really thick skin and it was a nightmare. Now, I just don't say anything around them and hope they don't acknowledge me. I get very very anxious when I have to see my in-laws and eat a bucketful of ice cream after my visit. I also think about the time spent with them the next couple of days and wished I was around different ppl I liked iwth my time. The resentment also builds towards my husband.

PP here, in case you are wondering, he is on my side and he sees how dysfunctional his family is. I stopped getting so upset since his support. Jsut the other day his mother let herself into our house without calling me while I was at home with my dc. My husband told me that he'll talk to her. I told him forget it since she'll take things out on me we'll just change the garage code again (we gave it to her for an important reason). But I am secretly hoping that I have the courage to hit her with a baseball bat the next time she comes in without calling or knocking becasue I think it's an intruder. I am a very sweet person otherwise, it's his family that gets under my skin. So if your sister finds herself having to be a different person than she is, it's time to walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in this situation and married a really great guy who understands but is still very very close with his family. My life was terrible for the first five years and I cried every night because my husband didn't know how to handle the situation. He either didn't hear how offensive his mother is or has gotten use to his brother and his family so he doesn't see the same thing I saw or heard. His family blames me all the time. They even ganged up on me from time to time. It got really hard to the point that we were going to divorce, although it wasn't him, he refused or saw no reason to move further. Now we have children and my kids get rude and offensive behavior from their cousins (brother in law's dc). My suggestion is if you don't have thick skin, please don't marry him. Trust me I have really really thick skin and it was a nightmare. Now, I just don't say anything around them and hope they don't acknowledge me. I get very very anxious when I have to see my in-laws and eat a bucketful of ice cream after my visit. I also think about the time spent with them the next couple of days and wished I was around different ppl I liked iwth my time. The resentment also builds towards my husband.

You know what? You don't have to see them. Your husband can take the kids to see his family members without you.

I hate my ILs. My husband hates his ILs. I take the kids to see my mother without him. He takes the kids to see his parents without me. We both enjoy the time off.

You can also tell your kids to straighten up. Just because their cousins act a particular way doesn't mean they get to act that way. You're their mother and they're not acting that way in your house. Those kids are taking orders from an entirely different general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in this situation and married a really great guy who understands but is still very very close with his family. My life was terrible for the first five years and I cried every night because my husband didn't know how to handle the situation. He either didn't hear how offensive his mother is or has gotten use to his brother and his family so he doesn't see the same thing I saw or heard. His family blames me all the time. They even ganged up on me from time to time. It got really hard to the point that we were going to divorce, although it wasn't him, he refused or saw no reason to move further. Now we have children and my kids get rude and offensive behavior from their cousins (brother in law's dc). My suggestion is if you don't have thick skin, please don't marry him. Trust me I have really really thick skin and it was a nightmare. Now, I just don't say anything around them and hope they don't acknowledge me. I get very very anxious when I have to see my in-laws and eat a bucketful of ice cream after my visit. I also think about the time spent with them the next couple of days and wished I was around different ppl I liked iwth my time. The resentment also builds towards my husband.

You know what? You don't have to see them. Your husband can take the kids to see his family members without you.

I hate my ILs. My husband hates his ILs. I take the kids to see my mother without him. He takes the kids to see his parents without me. We both enjoy the time off.

You can also tell your kids to straighten up. Just because their cousins act a particular way doesn't mean they get to act that way. You're their mother and they're not acting that way in your house. Those kids are taking orders from an entirely different general.

+1. You really can choose how to spend your time. It's all you really have that's truly yours. Your ILs don't want you there anyway. Let your DH go with the kids by himself.

[Anonymous]

My parents are the toxic ones, and have behaved outrageously towards my husband. Luckily, he happens to have a really thick skin, and insults slide off his back.

We limit contact as much as we can, and since they live in Europe... it's doable

[Anonymous]

BTDT

If her boyfriend seems "normal" he's actually not. His true colors will show in marriage or after having kids.

Agree with PPs, RUN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister should run. Marrying him means getting his family.

Absolutely, run. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister should run. Marrying him means getting his family.

agree

Run far FAR away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is the BF at handling his family? Does he see much of them now? Does he plan to see more of them after marrying? How is he handling your sister's reaction to them?

If they are truly awful people, then your sister has to figure out whether he agrees they are truly awful people, and if so, if he's willing to put his new family with her first and foremost at the expense of these awful people. which if he knows how awful they really are, he will not have a probably limiting contact or pulling away from them for good. I have a relative who did this. His parents were really difficult people and so were his sisters. They treated him poorly and his wife and kids the same. Eventually, he stopped doing this and they're better off. [/quote

Plus 1000

Classic - evil sil's are known to be the worst!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT

If her boyfriend seems "normal" he's actually not. His true colors will show in marriage or after having kids.

Agree with PPs, RUN

This. Has your sister lived with this guy? Honestly, you don't know someone until you live with them. And you'd be amazed at how long a BF can be on his best behavior while dating.

Living together, though, it is impossible to be on best behavior 24/7. And that's usually when a person's true colors come through.

I had an ex-boyfriend who I thought was fabulous, but his family was obnoxious. We moved in together, and then I realized that he was obnoxious, too. He was just always on his best behavior when we dated. It wasn't until he got comfortable in a living situation that all of the other stuff came out.

I realized then how important it was to live with someone before making a lifelong commitment. People are products of their upbringing. Even if people don't turn out like their parents, if their family is dysfunctional, there is usually some residue of that left over. That doesn't mean a relationship can't work, but it does mean that you should be aware of what you are getting into. In some cases, the person is aware of their family's dysfunction, sometimes acutely aware, and has gone through therapy or taken steps to mitigate the effects.

But if someone isn't even willing to admit the dysfunction, then that's a red flag.

In any case, you really don't know the full deal until you live with a person.

And it is a big deal if you hate the inlaws, because even if the BF is willing to limit interaction with them now, once children are involved, that usually changes. It will always be a point of contention.

It's rare that a person finds a perfect situation where they love their inlaws, but if you absolutely can't tolerate the inlaws, that's just too much.