Getting serious with BF but can't stand his family - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Imagine you are dating a guy and things are getting very serious in your relationship. You are talking house-marriage-kids, etc. And then you meet his family who turn out to be a polar opposite of you, your family and friends. This family is very close to your boyfriend and it is implied that once you get married you will be seeing quite a lot of them, especially since they live so close.

This is currently happening to my younger sister and she is pretty terrified. She really loves the guy but can't imagine being even remotely close to his family. I met them too. The word "repulsive" doesn't even come close to describing them. I am amazed that such a nice guy like her BF is even related to them. Question - would you still go forward with your engagement-marriage-having kids even though you totally despise BF's family?

[Anonymous]

Your sister should run. Marrying him means getting his family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. That's what I told her too. On a positive note, her BF is great, smart, funny, they share a ton of interests. On a negative note - how did this liberal "let me help my neighbor" kinda guy come out of this homophobic, racist, tactless family?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP here. Contrary to the DCUM working theory that IL's can and should be cut off whenever possible, the real world tells us that your sister would be marrying into a family. They would be a big part of her life going forward and, unless BF totally disowns them or theu move far away, they will be at least semi-regular interaction. If she can live with that for her BF's sake - go for it. If not - go from it. She not proceed down a path expecting that these people can or will be cleaved from their lives.

[Anonymous]

No I'm sorry I wouldn't marry him. I think it's all about what you can stand, but family is BIG especially if you'll live nearby or see them often. Tell her to imagine every single holiday with these people and what hell it would be. Also, when men have kids, they start to resemble their own upbringing.

[Anonymous]

How is the BF at handling his family? Does he see much of them now? Does he plan to see more of them after marrying? How is he handling your sister's reaction to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I'm sorry I wouldn't marry him. I think it's all about what you can stand, but family is BIG especially if you'll live nearby or see them often. Tell her to imagine every single holiday with these people and what hell it would be. Also, when men have kids, they start to resemble their own upbringing.

+1000 Your sister has alarm bells going off for good reason.

[Anonymous]

Also OP, to the extent this does lead to marriage, ask your sister whether she wants to be the reason that her BF chills his relationship with his family. IME, that would create some resentment as his family members get older and die off. It did with my BIL.

A lot of red flags and a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

RUN!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I'm sorry I wouldn't marry him. I think it's all about what you can stand, but family is BIG especially if you'll live nearby or see them often. Tell her to imagine every single holiday with these people and what hell it would be. Also, when men have kids, they start to resemble their own upbringing.

You need to talk to him about this and set some boundaries. It's his family so he has to speak up, not you. Perhaps you can invent a plausible scenario and ask him what he would do. I would be straight with him and say that you don't want his family intruding on yours. Nothing can ruin a marriage like busybody families.

Set the ground rules NOW. If he is opposed to things that are really important to you, then cut your losses. Better to do so now than later, especially once you have kids.

My family is overbearing while DH is not. I had to set the boundaries with my family, especially my mother, who thinks she can run things.

[Anonymous]

I suspect OP's sister will likely end up thinking that she can live with the situation and down the line she will regret it.

[Anonymous]

I think it all depends on how the boyfriend reacts to his family. What does he tell your sister about them? How does he want to connect with them as his life progresses? Does he recognize the truth about them?

Does he just ignore the bad, and accept the good? Is that possible long term? What happens when kids come in the picture?

honestly, as someone who has a difficult inlaw family, I'm not sure she should move forward without professional help - a good counselor will help tease out these issues. It was a counselor who helped my husband understand the difference between family of origin and new family we were creating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It was a counselor who helped my husband understand the difference between family of origin and new family we were creating.

Not OP, and my DH comes from a great family and we still have this issue. I'm hoping to work through it slowly.

In laws are hard!

[Anonymous]

Is there a possibility that she and he can move far, far away and only endure them 1x or 2x a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP's sister will likely end up thinking that she can live with the situation and down the line she will regret it.

+ 1000